I know I know............Do you not think I'm trying to move on? I AM. I'm just having a hard time with it. But I understand what your telling me. I've got a new sense of it all after calling my W a whore which I never meant to say and never will again. Now I'm paying the price of her being upset and hurt by my words. This I deserve. I am trying to rectify it by trying even harder. Hopefully it's not to late and I haven't pushed her away. Made a deal with myself to let it go and move on. We have so much to look forward too that I surely wouldn't want to do them without her. So for now I'll just update her mood and what I'm doing to help her ease her anger for calling her a whore. Anyone have a good way of showing her my love without words or flowers? Right now she wouldn't except them?
Forgiveness ain't easy. Sometime, please read my little story about it that I posted under somewhere....maybe under the infidelity section as it seemed best over there. It was something I heard long ago that made an impact on me, obviously. BUT anyhow... Have you read "Five Love Languages" by Chapman? It's a great book-must read for all m's couples. Not just folks here. It will help you to reach her, hopefully, and in her "love language". Sometimes we give our love as best we can, but if it's not in their 'language' they don't get it, let alone feel it.
And as some time passes, she'll feel some bond being re-built, as would fun moments. Relaxing times, without some big deal event of romance (later for that perhaps). For now, Rent some comedies and heart warming movies without the expectation that one movie will change it all.
Right now you want to simply add a page to the "book of your lives", one page at a time. Eventually, the pages add up to a chapter, and then a book. The more things you do that help form those bonding pages, the better. Also, no mother, no woman, is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father; it's a truly emotional turn on. Once, in the midst of my anger at h, he was reading to the kids. They asked him some arcane question about trees and chlorophyl (sp??) and he bagan to answer them, in detail, interestingly. H is a smart guy and I recall saying to myself "Oh yeah, this is one reason I m h, he's able to answer these questions and to pass on smart genes to the kids. He was really into it and loved teaching them, I loved watching (and learning about photosythesis!??) their faces...it builds.
What can I say? It builds. Pretty soon you have something solid enough to build on. Like friendship, mutual interests (the welfare of the children and make sure you radiate the love you have for them as much as possible now) and your history together.
Also, Marianne Williamson is an author who writes a lot about our relationships with the "Holy Spirit" (she's interdenominational) and she's a bit 'new agey' for a lot of people. [iB]UT her books on losing anger and how to forgive[/i] were really helpful to me. She has some exercises on forgiveness and turning our pain over to Him, b/c it's too much for us. I understand that. Seriously, you have to let the anger/pain go or you'll be consumed by it, and the m will end anyhow, and the kids will suffer and you'll all lose. I know this b/c I almost couldn't do it. Couldn't sleep, couldn't even concentrate to help d11 with homework so in a way, she was losing both parents, if you know what I mean.
Instead focus on the future you would like to create with your wife and showing her the man she fell in love with, but NOW, that man with the added qualities of unconditional love, who was willing to drop his ego to save his m, who has weathered a real storm, and maybe someday you could even renew your vows with the kids witnessing this marital miracle. Modelling what unconditional love really is, what a healthy boundary is and the importance of setting them. Imagine the legacy you'll be leaving them. The image of a couple who has faced adversity (yeah, we don't mean the papparzzi following you for a week and taking photos of you without make up...we mean real problems that life throws at you....oh did I tell you I sometimes have celebrity clients who are so high maintenance and have given "their ALL to their R's"....like all five weeks...) so it's great to see a real couple with real problems who do real work on a M, and win back the love they had for each other, that had been there all along, hidden under piles of pain and scorecards of grievances and the desire to "punish" the other. I see great hope in your sitch. But I digress. Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know my W loves me. What I said to her hurt her deeply I can see and feel from her. I'm hoping I haven't ruined what we started to build back. Yes, I'm being selfish and want all of it to be golden now and not later. I'm doing the best to forgive and move on. I think I've finally realized my W's sorry for whatever happened. She's been nothing but great since I found out. It took me awhile to get this far but like I said I hope I haven't set our M back. Just curious if this is normal or is there more underlying to her anger for me for what I called her and wanting her being the way she was before I said what I said out of anger. Not meaning what I said. All of this happened last Weds night and only has been a few days. But usually by now she's told me how it hurt her and most of the time it only takes a couple of days. If that. That's why I'm a bit concerned.
Hi Jon, I am one of those women you don't like. You know, the one that has an EA and talks to OM, etc. Anyway, all that is behind me now, but what I would like to ask you is, why do you think that your W turned to talking to another man? Why would she get her kicks talking dirty to him? Is that something that fits her personality or something that is not her at all? Do the two of you look at porn together? If it is not something that would seem to fit anywhere, then I think you need to ask why she turned to another man. I don't believe women turn to other men for no reason. I am not saying they have a "right" reason to turn to OM. Please understand that. But, in the woman's mind, she is unhappy about something in her life if she begins having an EA with another man. If it was just dirty talk, then that goes back to what I first asked, if it was more like an EA, then it goes to this last part. Something tells me it wasn't all her fault and maybe I feel that way b/c of the shoes I've worn, but I just wondered how the M was before this happened.
I am concerned that if you believe it is over or if nothing happened but dirty talk....why you can't get over it and why you would stoop to calling her names. You see how many times this has been brought up and I'm sure it is beginning to rub a sore place with you, but think how she feels everytime you bring up about the OM and you won't drop it.
If an A would be a deal breaker, then don't do like the woman's H did when she finally told him the truth b/c he wouldn't drop it and then leave her. Either accept what she says for the truth and both of you start over in your M with a beginner's mind like the DR book teaches, or get anger mangement for yourself b/c trust me, you are going to ruin it without the question of her ever having an A or not.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm hoping I haven't ruined what we started to build back.
You will have setbacks. Keep trying.
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Yes, I'm being selfish and want all of it to be golden now and not later.
You will need lots of patience. Both of you.
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Just curious if this is normal or is there more underlying to her anger for me for what I called her and wanting her being the way she was before I said what I said out of anger.
Her anger could be from guilt and fear. If you can make up your mind to give her true forgiveness you will need to show her. You will also need to set aside your fear of what she "may have done."
That comes with true forgiveness.
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But usually by now she's told me how it hurt her and most of the time it only takes a couple of days. If that. That's why I'm a bit concerned.
Things aren't "normal" right now. Stop having expectations. You can't compare your R now to how it was in the past.
Relax, be positive and try to let go of the past. Concentrate instead on your future.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
Thanks 1hope. That's what I was wondering and hoping to hear. I need all the help I can get. There's nothing I want more than my wife. When I got married I knew she was the one and as time has passed I have realized that she is the one I want to be with. So it makes it hard to have her upset at me. I never meant to say what I said. I said it out of anger and I'm sorry for it.
Sandi Yes my M wasn't in a good place. But that's an excuse. Give me a good reason? Her conversations with OM was didn't start out that way. He had an open door and saw it. So he had nothing to lose. She bit because she wasn't getting the attention from me. This I know and am guilty for. I am moving on. Doing the best I can to forgive her and myself for not being there for her and us.I'm just hoping that she doesn't give up on me. I've never experienced her this upset. I do believe she's ashamed of what went on and me not letting go isn't helping her or me. But I'm trying. Do you get that. I'm trying. It's not easy. I have to learn to not let my emotions or thoughts of OM get the best of me because that's what leads to my anger towards my W. My last session with my coach opened my eyes and made me realize if I keep pushing I will lose her all together. I just hope I haven't done that already. Tomorrow will be a week since I called her a whore and she's still real hurt and mad at me. I'm just going to plug along and hope things get better.
Just curious if this is normal or is there more underlying to her anger for me for what I called her and wanting her being the way she was before I said what I said out of anger. Not meaning what I said. All of this happened last Weds night and only has been a few days. But usually by now she's told me how it hurt her and most of the time it only takes a couple of days. If that. That's why I'm a bit concerned.
Maybe she's partly angry because she wants you to want her to be herself...not what you want her to be. If you are pressuring her, even slightly, to "be" a certain way, she's going to be angry.
I never meant to say what I said. I said it out of anger and I'm sorry for it.
If you haven't already told her this, do so, then let it go.
Concentrate on showing her that you are sorry. Right now, when emotion is high the words might not be the best measure of true feeling.
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I've never experienced her this upset. I do believe she's ashamed of what went on and me not letting go isn't helping her or me.
Bingo! You figured it out. It isn't easy, but most of the injured S's struggle with this. Find another way to deal with the emotion and thought. There are some excellent suggestions in the book that I mentioned yesterday.
Don't give up, and try to relax. This will not happen on your time frame.
You will make mistakes. Keep going, one step at a time. You have already figured out how much you love your W. Now work on the forgiveness.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
