Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse WAW - yet another one

On Jan 9th my wife of 8+ years told me she filed for divorce. That was after a year of ineffective counseling (I told the counselor and he was surprised as he thought we were doing so much better - idiot!).

My wife was surprised to hear I did not want a divorce. She was prepared to move out but is staying while she is considering the fact that I wanted to work on the marrriage.

It took about a week for me to get a better handle on my "panic" - plenty of hallmark moments and campaigning to stay together (everything you're not suppose to do). She basically told me 1/18 that dealing with the hallmark momoments and capaigning is adding stress/pressure on her that she is too tired to deal with. She said that this was a decision she needs to make and not a single thing I do or say will make it just happen.

This week, we've been spending more time after the kids go to be (6 year old and a 2 year old), relaxing - talking about things other than the relationship. We've also be exchanging playful emails throughout the day. Last nite, we were relaxing and I had thought that she wanted to "really" kiss - not just the peck. We did and wound up going upstairs.

We continued to kiss and get into it when she suddenly broke down crying. She said that she is trying to hard to find the feelings again, but she just can't since she is so angry at me that I hurt her (she feels I've ignored her and made her feel unimportant for the past 7 years). I told her that I want to be there for her to help her get past the pain/hurt, but she said that she is struggling with that as I was the one who hurt her so bad.

She fell asleep shortly afterwards.

This morning, we didn't really talk about it, but I had called her (which I'm sure is a bad move) to see how she felt. I told here that I knew she was upset last nite and I was just wanted to know how she felt. I promised her a relaxing evening tonite where we won't talk about it.

So, how bad did I screw up? Is it beyond hope? Any insight will really be appreciated.

Now I'm really down.

I still haven't gotten served yet, but for whatever reason, thought I would do an online search. Sure enough, I found her filing - couldn't see anything other than a case number but still very depressing.

Hello CIP,

Sorry that you're here. You'll see that all of us have very similar stories and you'll never find a more supportive bunch. First thing you need to do is read DB or DR. They will clear up alot of things.

Also, post here often to vent or get advice. That's what we're all here for. There will be times where things seem dark and hopeless, but there's always hope as long as you want to put in the effort.

Whatever the outcome, you'll learn how to be a much stronger person. Oftentimes before you even realize it.

Thanks for the support - my wife and I are actually both reading DR. I'm still hopeful.

I was just curious if others ran into what I did last nite.

Yes we've all been through a version of your situation last night. I would actually say you shouldn't have your wife reading DR, because that's your playbook to get her back. But if she's reading it and is positive about it then I guess it's alright.

What happened last night was just a backslide. Don't dwell on it and move on more positively. You can't change what happened, all you can do is lessen the damage and make things light.

It worked in my interactions with my W. They weren't immediate, but they built up positively over time.

Thanks for the support.

One question though - what was the damage? And how do I lessen the damage?

BTW - I got a note from the Post Office that I need to pick up a registered letter. I'm sure I know what it is.....

As hard as it seems, try not letting those things get to you. You have to try and let each negative experience go and focus on the positive interactions. Pray if you're religious, or go to the gym to get your frustrations out, hang out with friends.

The negative experiences will eat away at you if you let them. They are only circumstances and not the whole picture. If you think of it like war, each interaction is like a battle. You win some and you lose some. The important thing is to learn from each battle and not repeat the same mistakes. Keep them up and you may find that the tide of war will tip in your favor.

Just hang in there and be patient.

Another thing that I'm confused about was periodically, she asked if I had talked to my therapist/counsuler. I do tell her when I do and let her know what I said. This morning when we were waking up, she had asked again.

I told her I did to talk about what happened the other nite. She immediately got defensive and mentioned that we had each had a couple of drinks that nite. Afterwards, she was pretty cold.

Guess that's another backslide.....

Afterwards though, I had asked if she would be interested in taking a day off together. She responded that she think she should be able to work out some time with her mom to watch the kids so we can go out.

Not sure how to interprut that one......

Guess I really had a bad backslide - the last few days we would trade playful emails.

Today, I just sent a short email that asked how her day was going and all I got was "okay"

Hope it didn't slip even further away.......

Hello, sorry your here.

Perhaps you should have merely said "we spoke of the other night" and not gotten into details about it. That way, you're being open to her, but no sharpening the knife blade side in you know?