Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Am I eternally hopeful or in denial....?

SC it's past so forget trying to recover from the e-mail. Don't send him anything. You can't criticize him right now. You can't question him right now. All you CAN do is step away from the fire or you will get burned.

I was laughing when I read what you wrote to your h. That is the kind of e-mails I wrote to my h in the beginning. You will need those to stop.

A little history on my past life. When all went down, my h moved out and was gone. Wouldn't answer his cell, wouldn't answer e-mail. Just simply ignored me and any responsibilities to his kids.

Before DB I took it upon myself to try to force myself into his life. I showed up at his work and pushed my way into his office and dropped myself down in a chair. This was one occassion. Then on others I would try to find him and then if I saw him follow him and confront him and he was with ow. Well it got ugly. Yelling, fighting and the police were called. H then filed a restaining order against me. It really should have been a stalking order if he had did his homework.

He wanted to be left alone. The restraining order was later thrown out. That was early on in this MLC journey. The most I think we didn't have communication was 3 weeks. That was actually the easiest for me. It was hard to see him and then watch him walk away. Every time he would leave the house I would burst out crying.

I finally after over a year backed off completely. I didn't ? him anymore, no R talks, just loved him from a distance. When he came over I put the game face on and was loving and kind. Deep down though I was hurting inside. Didn't want my h to see me that way.

I started to ask h to help with things in the house. Like small things. H could you hand this photo while you are here today. When he would do those things I usually sent an e-mail thanking him a showing my appreciation. He never responded.

About a year a half into the journey h said he wanted to go to mc. Now I was jaded. I didn't want to go. I had suggested it early on and h said absolutely NOT. It took almost a month or more for me to make the 1st appointment. It was through a good friend on these boards that said make that appointment.

The first session h told the mc I am only here because Glam asked me and I want to be able to communicate with her in regards to the kids.

4 months into the c he said I can't see myself ever returning to the m. So as you can see SC this has been lots and lots of progress over time. In my mind the progress has been slow, but today I feel really good about the direction my m is going.

It has been lots of prayer and patience. Lots of trying to work on myself. Lots of tongue biting. Lots of trying to show unconditional love, respect and admiration.

It's a slow race that may never be won! The winning though is you find your true self.

Hugs! Now get back to doing what matters. No R talks, No ? your h, let him be the MAN!

SC, I agree that you should just let it go. It's so hard not to speak the truth. But really, they are not hearing anything we say right now.

But you heard him right? He wants space. So give it to him, lots of it. Pull way back, if you can.

And dont be so hard on yourself. You are doing great in a difficult situation.

Backslides happen. It's ok. Dust yourself off and begin again.

Let the things he says slide off your back. He is in never never land.

Hugs to you.

Hey, Glam & BM.

Thank you for your warm compassion and wise advice. I sincerely value your opinions and am so very thankful for your willingness to share with me. I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am to have found friends such as you on these boards.

I know you are right and I am determined to renew my commitment to drop the rope and let my H continue freely on his journey. I do actually feel content when we don't have contact. I like my apartment. I like learning about myself and coming to understand that I am really an OK person and can be happy without H.

Tonight I went out dancin' with a group of friends. And I danced a LOT. It was fun. I even danced a slow dance! (My H always hated dancing) A friend of mine that I commute on the ferry with invited me, and there were 8 of us there (the others I did not know). One of the group was a single man who seemed to take a liking to me (or maybe it was just that I was the only one willing to dance). But he was very nice and did my ego good. And the singer in the band kept kibitzing with me (Teasing me and asking me silly questions) She said I was a live wire! That made me feel good too.

Tomorrow I am going to spend some good quality time with my kids. Maybe take them to a movie.

I have a lot to be thankful for in my life.

Whhooooo hoooo! Good for you, SC! So glad that you had a good time. I am sure that the single guy took a liking to you because of who you are - a fun, bright lady!

It is your turn to shine, my friend. Your h is missing out. Keep GAL!

How is that son of yours doing? Spending time with him is always a good thing.

Hey girl,

I hope you don't have the cocktail flu after last night! LOL I am really glad you got out last night. I used to go dancing when H was gone too. I love, love, love to dance but then so does H.

Did you go local or where you across the water?

There is no where in the Harbor to go dancing you have to go to T-town or somewhere else.

I hope you have a good day today. It was so good meeting up with you the other night. Can't wait to do it again.

SC you're my hero. Keep it up.

I too have found that I'm most content on my own without the tension.

Thanks, BM.

I feel like I am all over the place emotionally still, but I am not on the verge of crying constantly enymore, and that is a good thing.

S17 is still pushing every limit. We have got notification from the school that he has not been going to the two classes he kept at the regular school, but he says he has been.....?? He says he has not gone to the alternative school because he "doesn't need to." I don't think that is the case, but he's almost 18! I can't make him do anything, and I am not ready to just "give up" on him like H seems ready to do (and I probably never will be.)

So, I keep trying to talk sense into S17, and hope that some of it sinks in and that he will come around to making better choices as time goes on. He is still in C both with us there with him and on his own, so it's not like nothing is being done. Our C worries most about his cavalier attitude toward substances, and there is substance abuse in both sides of the family....

Like I said, I'm not giving up, and I do have hope. And at least he has not been real nasty to me. His attitude in conversations with me is better than it used to be. I just have a hard time trusting what he says, so I do worry. But, I know without doubt that he is a good kid.

We are headed out to do the carpets at H's apartment and then to do something fun!

Hey, sandycay!

I'll have you know I only had 1 drink!! I have enough to handly dealing with myself in my natural state!!!

You are sooooo lucky to have a man that likes to dance!!! I am pea green with envy for you on that one!!

There is a martini bar/dance club in old town Silverdale that is very nice. Not too big, and it gets a nice cross section of people, not just the young singles looking to get laid. If you want info on it (they have a website) send me a e-mail and I'll give it to you.

Take care, my friend!!!!

[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]

Hey, Thinking!

You really must set your standards a bit higher!!

I too am really working on the letting go thing! I don't need the tension, and I don't even really like the man my H is right now. I believe that the man I will love to my dying day is still in there, and hope with all my heart to have him in my life again someday, but unless/until that happens, I am truly better off without him!

A funny thing......H called me on my cell yesterday when I was on the ferry after work. He said he just wanted to talk to me about having found D24's CNA certificate, while cleaning her room at the house. He said he'd like too get it to her, but didn't think she would answer his call. I said he could give it to me when we see each other next Tuesday for our C session with S17. His tone was friendly and upbeat, and I hung up first. It was pretty short and sweet. It wasn't until much later that I thought "And he felt he needed to call me for that why????" Strange.......

I've been wondering if H asks me how my evening last night went, should I just say it was a lot of fun, and leave everything a mystery? Or should I give him a little more info, like tell him I had a great time and danced a LOT and even did a slow dance....and then leave him to draw his own conclusions??

He probably won't even ask. And will NOT volunteer any information at all, unless he asks!!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

Keep yourself a mystery SC. No need to give him the details. You had a great time and you will be back soon.

When you don't pursue they find little reasons to contact you. Like couldn't that have waited. My h never made those little contacts. In fact he really didn't contact me much at all until much later in the journey.