Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE need help, sex or no sex??

I'm going to have to come on here and post my entire situation later but for right now. I'm questioning whether I should have sex with my husband.

A brief description:
Me 30, H 28. DS7, DD4
We had a sex starved marriage. My fault, I thought I had forgiven past infedilities but I didn't truly let go and emotionally it took it's toll. He has moved out. He has forced my hand at filing dissolution papers versus a messy divorce. He still comes over and openly admits he wants sex with me but not to get any false hopes up cause he wants the divorce. I've suspected for the last 2 weeks he's having an emotional affair and a reliable source confirmed it today. Tonight he says he's coming over for a wild night. The part of me that wants to save this marriage and hold on to him says, "yes do it, what a 180". The hurt wife in me that wishes she could just let go and forget the pain, feels like this is close to sexual abuse and I wonder how I am respecting myself by allowing these encounters.

Next, let me say, I am trying to grow as a christian and by that, I shouldn't deny my husband because he is still, my husband, no matter how short a length of time I have left.

Any thoughts or guidance for me? I'm just not sure what to do.

You may be his wife, but you arent his call girl. I think God would understand.

If you feel like sharing yourself with him - by all means, do it.

But if it doesnt seem right to you, dont try to talk yourself into it, I imagine you may only regret doing so in the end?

Have you explained to him that the lack of sex in the relationship was a symptom and not the disease itself? And that you would LOVE to have a mutually satisfactory sex life with him?

Does he have any idea or take ownership of how HIS actions made this problem? Or does he think its 'your' problem?

You may be his wife, but you arent his call girl. I think God would understand.

If you feel like sharing yourself with him - by all means, do it.

But if it doesnt seem right to you, dont try to talk yourself into it, I imagine you may only regret doing so in the end?

Have you explained to him that the lack of sex in the relationship was a symptom and not the disease itself? And that you would LOVE to have a mutually satisfactory sex life with him?

Does he have any idea or take ownership of how HIS actions made this problem? Or does he think its 'your' problem?

You may be his wife, but you arent a call girl. I think God would understand.

If you feel like sharing yourself with him - by all means, do it.

But if it doesnt seem right to you, dont try to talk yourself into it, I imagine you may only regret doing so in the end?

Have you explained to him that the lack of sex in the relationship was a symptom and not the disease itself? And that you would LOVE to have a mutually satisfactory sex life with him?

Does he have any idea or take ownership of how HIS actions made this problem? Or does he think its 'your' problem?

I have explained to him that it was a symptom. At this point he's saying all the typical WAH stuff, it's all your fault, I only married you because of x,y,z, I care about you but I'm not in love with you.

He's not taking ownership of his actions in any fashion. It's all my fault and as a result, it's almost like he's rebelling against me and won't seek counseling together or guarantee to work on the relationship for any length of time.

He decided he was through and moved out 01/01/09, happy new year right? I didn't see him at all on my 3oth bday, which was a couple of days later. And now he's advised me last evening, he's expiditing this divorce. This morning he said he'd go to two, and he mean's only two, counseling sessions at the church with me.

He's going to be deployed in near future and states he wants all of this taken care of before then but I'm positive it's because he wants to pursue a more intimate relationship w/his EA. And the worst part is, it's highly doubtful that if he is deployed in a month and half, she will stay by his side faithfully. He just doesn't understand what he's losing.

(sorry for multiple posts - wont let me delete them)




That WAS thing is a tricky beast isnt it?

I have a WAW myself, I know what I did to create it. And it was many things that contributed to her losing faith in the relationship, building up a cartoonish version of who I was as a person, and a distortedly negative view at our entire history together. Fortunately she is starting to come around and accept her parts that helped make the mess. But it took a good 18ish months for that to happen.

All I understand in your sitch - is he is walking away because of a lack of sex - which is his own damn fault - but he wants nothing to do with looking in the mirror?

This is tough and I apologize if I dont have much for you cause you 'can lead a horse to water but....'

The fact he is open minded to counseling sessions is good. To limit it to two visits is a bit silly IMO, but hopefully he will see some value in it and decide to go to more.

6 weeks before deployment? Here is to hoping there is a part inside him who wants peace with his loved ones before he goes.

That's exactly it. He sees everything as negative. I want nothing more than to make this work but if he pushes this divorce through so quickly, i don't think there's any turning back.

No, he always asked for sex. and I mean always. In my head, it seemed like he was nagging and pressuring me constantly. I guess like I nagged him to do stuff around the house. Just a vicious circle. But I also harbored so much resentment for his previous affair. That didn't help and I didn't address it in a constructive way.

I'm not so sure he's open to counseling, I think his dad somewhat pressured him into it.

I thought the deployment would work in my favor, force some separation time, absence and danger makes the heart grow fonder? but he's so busy trying to divorce me prior to going so that he can have his little side dish and not committ adultery again, all before he goes. And the sad part, I know, she'll never stick by his side the year and a half he's gone like I would and have before.

I havent had time to read your sitch mystia...
You have to take the focus off la otra and put it on you and what you can do to be a better you.

I have read this twice now from you regarding la otra ...
easier said than done linda pero si puedes....
Tu eres lo principal...
Oh yeah sorry by the way do you speak spanish?

I dont pretend to be an expert but I have dealt with this.
Please let me know if I can help in anyway.
Sale?
Ok ?

* your signature and your name leads me to assume ( although I shouldnt ) that you speak spanish also?

She is a distraction....
not important.. K

I have a thread here ... let me know if I can offer any support ok.
BTDT~ @ 2 years ago and it still is work....

Hello Little Miss Ava,

Here's waving at you. Love you girl!

forever,
poet