Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Did she cheat or just dirty text messages?

so you say she knows you'll leave her if she did sleep with him even if it's over now and she has no more contact? Um, then if she wants to stay m to you (and the first text you found suggests she wanted whatever this is, to end as it was "not the deal" so maybe she wanted flirting and he wanted more or WHATEVER...) point is, if it's over and she wants the M to work, but the "truth" of an A will end the M, I guess I am wondering why she'd tell you...

PT, you said your w confessed to an EA, correct? But did she kind of know you'd try to understand or did you tell her you'd leave if it were true?

Transparency should be a given, but if this 'thing' is over, whatever it was, are you sure you want the details if some of them might end the m? And how are things now with you two, when you are not discussing this?

j-

If my W cheated it is over. What I actually think is my W cheated and realized what a mistake it was and was ending it with OM. Remember this is what I think. Anyway she hasn't had contact or talked with OM since the night I found the text messages. She has even cut off ties with his wife, which had been her friend for 16 yrs. The problem is I can't seem to get over it and it has made our marriage UP and Down.......I'm all good for 2 or 3 weeks and then boooom something goes off in me and I just start with all the questioning all over again. I think she's real Sorry and ashamed. I just can't let it go. Just the thoughts of her with him drives me crazy, but she still says she never met up with him.
We got in a huge arguement the other night and I called her a whore. She back handed me when she got in the car and I DID deserve it. I just didn't mean to say that. Now she's been real cold and quiet towards me. My coach told me it'll take a while for her to calm down about the whole name calling. For now I'm trying to work my issue of letting go of the past and moving on. Because I Love my Wife. That's what makes it hard to let go though.
I know to save my M and have a great future I have to let go and move on. If I don't then I may ruin my M.
If she did cheat and actually told me I really don't have the answer? I'm sure she thinks I would leave so it's better for her to take my crap rather then watch me walk.

When I'm not quetioning my wife things are great. Everything had gotten a little better. I'm just having a hard time getting over it. If she did tell me she had PA. I don't know. Having 2 young children makes it hard. I'm just trying to get past all of this. You know?

Jon,



I will be careful giving advice here. but that quote above is one to pay attention to. I am going through something similar but after I had my own EA.

As I've been told transparency is key to getting the trust back. i know it will be for me. IF she is trying to love you and make the marriage work and you do too...see it for the gift it is and stop obsessing. That would be different if it was still going on with OM.

I can only say to focus on loving her and improving the things that are wrong. You CAN get through this but you need to reprogram. TRUST ME..if you push her away and she wants to leave you will realize instantly what a huge mistake you've made IF you love her. I am living this right now.. Don't go down this road.

Just my $.02. Maybe there is something I said that can help.

Jeff

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. Pushing her away by me obsessing over it. I think if I would've found Divorce busters months ago we would be in a better place. I'm telling my story because knowing other peoples stories or opinions help me get through it all. I know to move on and make my marriage what it once was I need to forgive and forget. This I'm trying. Hopefully my wife doesn't give up because I can't let go. So I sit here today with my head between my legs hoping I didn't do to much harm with my stupid name calling and time and space will make her forgive me. That's what I pray for............

Jon,

I'm right there with ya bro. From what I've come to understand it takes time AND you have to start changing yourself. She will see that and start to feel safe again. You sound like your sitch is a bit different, she loves you and wants to move past things. Maybe you should listen.

You definitely need to have transparency between you two.

That will help clean the slate. Get some counseling to help you deal with your stuff. Telephone coach if you can. It all helps I can tell you.

Just so you know my day is just like yours. Had and EA messed up and treated her horrible after we agreed to work on the marriage. She finally reached the end of her rope and eventually had her own EA. Confronted her last night, we talked, she went to GF house and hasn't come home...Sooo I feel ya.

Jeff

Jeff
Thanks for all the feed back. It helps a lot knowing other peoples stories. I do have a coach and she's great. I would be worse off right now if not for her. She let me know that everything my W has done since my discovery of the texts has been to prove to me that she loves me and wants to be with me. Also that she's probable really ashamed of herself and is also having a hard time forgiving herself. I know everything will eventually workout but it's not easy at times. My obsession of all the facts and what I do know get the best of me. That's why I started this topic of my own. To help me when I can't speak with my coach. My coach also noted that it may be awhile before my wife forgives me for what I called her. So for now I'll it crow and keep working on my M.........Listened to some music from my high school days when life was soooooooooo much easier. Doing what I can to pass the time and not let my mind wander.
I hope things workout for you. You know I've been tempted to EA but the fact I believe in what I stand for makes it easy not to be tempted. Even thought about having an EA just to even the playing field but 2 wrongs don't make a right. I could go on forever talking about this situations we are in. The best thing is its very healing. I cried today when I was driving to the store after I dropped off my kids at my folks home. Jimmy Valvano said it best on the espy's some years ago. Laugh, cry, think. That's a full day, but you need to do it. "Never give up" Jimmy V..

No, I never told her that. When she first started acting distant, in mid-May '07, I asked her to meet me for lunch and I asked her if there was anyone else. She denied it -- twice -- looking me dead in the eye both times. I now know it was at LEAST an EA already at that point. The only thing I remember that I did say to her was something like "Well, I would certainly hope that you would respect me enough, after all we've been thru together in the past 22 years, to at least tell me the truth. In fact, I would insist on as much." Or something like that. That was when she reiterated for the 2nd time that there was no one else, and that she was telling me the truth.

But I never told her I would leave her if there was, nor did I tell her that I would STAY if there was.

Puppy

Yes she said it was wrong but she never said it was an EA. Just dirty talk between two people. I was the one that said it was an EA. No, I never told her I would leave or stay. She knows that if she did have a PA and told me I would probable leave just because of what I believe in. I don't care how bad your M is you don't cheat.When I discovered the texts her initial explaination was you won't believe me and you won't understand.

You are pushing her away by your obsessing. Stop saying it's over if she had an A, And then expecting a confession from her. What you got instead, is what most LBSers want; the knowledge that she chose you. You didn't force her to make the choice and she has broken off other ties as well. What more could you want, given the givens?

Oh you want proof that nothing happened? How can she prove a negative? She can't. You also have to do the same thing that everyone else has to do with infidelity; learn to get rid of your ego, and work on forgiveness. It AIN"T easy. We all get that. So, do you want to be "right" and snoop snoop snoop, hoping you find something so you can loudly proclaim your 'right to leave' even though if you do find "irrefutable evidence of an A', it'll have to have already ended by her own hand and choice, yet you'd leave....???? OR do you want to restore your m to what it should be? Do you want to be "right" or Happyy?
which is it?

There are books and exercises on losing anger and moving forward in forgiveness. Get them and read them and do them. When you wonder about an action to take, ask yourself if you are doling out some "justice' to her or "showing her the consequences" of her actions, because that is simply your self righteousness being punitive and not coming from a place of love, and therefore it is NOT the action to take) or acting out of love. That's crucial to how you handle your life now.

When you talk of what someones "deserves" it usually means you want to exact some revenge and oh btw, ignore any "sins" at your end since you think she had an "A", that trumps the need for you to work on any issues of your own, right?

Throwing out the word "whore" to her was a disgraceful thing for you to say. I don't find it ever acceptable. Now, in your sitch, you could argue it's fine if you are divorcing her and want to stoop to that level and IF you never did it in front of the kids ever ever. Hey, No matter what some angry men here will tell you, she is the mother of your children and you must honor that; you cannot ever say that to a woman and expect her to love you fully. BUT see, you say you love her and want the m to work. So, calling her that is absolutely not helping you reach your goal, is it? You're giving her ammunition for having an A if she didn't already. My Gosh I hope this gets thru to you.

You have a chance. Your w "ended" whatever it was. By her own choice. Most LBSers would give their right arm to have had that happen without threats and that nagging feeling that secretly the returning WAS really wants to be with OP...nope, your wife chose you and the M and yet you still ...... want to torture her. Don't you see that the anger you feel is now the problem? Did you ever read/watch Lady Chatterly's lover? The guy gets injured in the war and tells his young wife to take a lover and presumably they'll pass the child off as his heir. But she falls in love with the "lover" and leaves the h. The point to me of the story is that she didn't leave her h b/c he was injured, but b/c he was so angry at her and life...so he pushed her away over and over again, into the arms of OM...

Don't push her away. Hope this makes sense. Remember your goal. Restoring your m. If your m has to end, b/c of your inability to forgive a transgression of your w, so be it. But it'll be your choice, not hers. And if you stay M, maybe you can re-new your vows and see the M going forward, starting over with a clean slate just so YOU can forgive better.

I know forgiving is not easy, look at my signature block. Seriously. I didn't learn it growing up b/c my parents fought and I never saw them resolve conflict (just stopped yelling) and never saw them make up, and so, didn't know what forgiveness looked like. It's an acqured skill and it takes work, inside.

Good luck,
j-