Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse WAW - yet another one

Thanks for all the support.

We're suppose to go out and do our regular friday nite family thing tonite. It's her turn to pick a place. I want to call her and ask if she thought of a place yet, but don't want to "pressure" her.

Do you think I should just go home and wait?

Not sure, I didn't have the luxury of family functionality after W left, so I'm unexperienced there. Maybe let it go for a bit?

Don't say anything. Just let her come to you. That way you're giving her space and she can't blame you for anything.

As for the counseling deal, I believe she's fishing. 1) for information as to what she is going through because she doesn't want to go herself and 2) for control and wants you to behave a certain way.

The next time she asks you what happened in counseling, tell her that if she was interested she should go down with you and that it's inappropriate for her to know since the counseling is to help you and not for her to criticize. The counseling is for you not her unless she plans to participate.

As one of my friends told me, get your balls back a little at a time and take the control back.

I picked up the papers from the post office today - very depressing.

The ironic part of it is that we are going out on a date tonite and our 2 boys are staying over her mom's house tonite.

Trying to keep it positive......

Hoping for the best

I thought we had a nice time at our date.

We talked and she even smiled/laughed a few times. She even put her hand on my leg and rubbed my back while we talked a few times. She even "puckered" a little when we kissed a couple of times (not a deep kiss, just small kisses).

Then when we got home, she was back in WAW mode - just a peck good nite. In the morning she was in full blown WAW mode - no hug or kiss good morning.

Very confused.

Another thing is that we're going to a counseling session tonite.

At the end of my first week "panic" attack, she had said she was tired of my "Hallmark" moments and my "campaigning". She said that I don't need to make promises or tell her how much I love her. She said "just do it". She said there is nothing that I will say or promise that will make up her mind for her.

I guess the positive is that she is at least still considering the possiblitly of giving it another chance.

This past week I was a little better, but she said that I still wind up talking about our relationship with her too much. She reminded me that the fact that she's still in the house means she's still thinking about it. I don't have to keep bringing it up.

Right now I'm transitioning to the "last resort" move.

My question now though is what do I say in the counseling session tonite? I did vet out the counselor and she said that she is a supporter of marriage and has about a 50/50 success rate of working with couples. Not a great rate, but she said she has had experience working with couples in our situation.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

I didn't want everyone think I just dropped this, but I created a thread in the newcomer forum (WAW - confused and devasted).

I appreciate everyone's support.

Well, your odds are still better than most of us, so just tread carefully. Definatley, back off, give her some 'breathing room'. Instead of thinking of what can you do to keep her around, concentrate on the things that you say or do (or in this case, don't do) that make her not want to stay.

I cetainly think going with the LRT is the WRONG thing to do. She seems willing to work for it, and she seems to have been asking for something of you, but you're not understanding or hearing the request, maybe the counselor can be the translator and get you to see and hear what she's been asking for and perhaps offer up a reason to her why you didn't get the message?

Dday,

Thanks for the thoughts.

When you said concentrate on the things that make her not want to stay - is this part of the 180? Last Friday we had watched 20/20 on the chemistry of love (ironically, we believe she's a negotiator and I'm a director, who are suppose to be compatable - I took the quiz, but she hasn't yet). We then took the online 5 languages of love quiz and found that our top 3 were shared (Touch, Verbal and Quality Time - ironically Gifts and Service were extremely low of both of us). My problem is that I had thought she preferred Gifts and Service. Boy was I wrong.

Anyway, I've been focusing on Verbal and Quality Time of tell her when she does something I appreciate and how I value her input/thoughts and when we talk, I listen to her "emotions", not just to her content. Touch has been tough as she's said a few times the hugs/kisses has been too much - so I'm still trying to find that balance.

We're going to counseling tonite, but I'm struggling to find a away to talk about her feelings. This Sunday morning, she couldn't sleep so at 5:30 AM we talked about how logically, she things giving it another try is a no brainer, but she is struggling with her heart/emotion. She feels that over the years, her love has been chipped away to the point where it gone. She's not sure if there is anything left nor isn't sure if she wants to plant a new seed as she is having problems looking for love for someone who has caused her so much pain/hurt.

Last session, our first one with the new counselor, we spent a lot of time on what were the things that made me close myself off from her and cause this drift/rift. At the end, the counselor did ask her what she wanted to see and she said that was for me to listen. I presume it wasn't to listen like respond to orders, but to listen with my heart and treat what she says with respect and importance.

Any thoughts on how I can get her to open up to counseling so we can talk about her inner struggles?

Not neccessarily, it's more to identify your contribution to the problem(s), like it or not, we all have a hand in why our marriage isn't working.

So it sounds as if you already got your answer from her, you're not listening (being attentive) to her needs, whatever that may be, maybe it's not listening to her 'small talk', you know, talk of her wrok day or interaction with a friend or something? I know I was guilty of that and over time can become a huge issue for some.

Really can't help you out with the counseling thing, never got there, wish I had, I'm certain thing could have worked if we did.

dday