Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy out of respect

Maybe we're operating on different definitions of 'well adjusted'. For me it's doing my best to take care of myself so I can give as much as I can. Of course there's always more to work on. Doesn't set me back to square one when I find a new layer. I just keep chippin' away and being happy for what I have instead of getting wrapped up in my angst.

You might try reading some old poster's threads from start to finish before going off with random judgements about the futility of any of our efforts. And you might find out that Puppy Dog Tails is a guy.

Or, go ahead and be frustrated and angry about your situation in general. That'll bring you all kinds of happiness.

AlexJ,

I actually found some of what you had to say helpful, in that I had not considered my situation from your point of view. However, your broad based analysis of everyone here as mal-adjusted and unstable is narrow minded and also fairly offensive.

I can only speak for myself here. I am 50% to blame for the decline of my M and the issues that it had. However, the decision to have an A was solely made by my H and the OW. I was never consulted and the ensuing pain and grief that their actions have caused not only myself, but my children have been monumental. I cannot and will not take any of that burden upon myself. Nor do I feel somehow that by being the responsible parent and primary custodian of our children while my H was working out of town and getting deeper and deeper into his gambling addiction is somehow something that I should be made to feel bad about. Being part of a team often means that one steps up where the other can't...that is what I did. I didn't sit and whine about him being gone all the time, that was the nature of his job. I did what any partner would do and did what had to be done. Did this cause resentments to build up between us? Yes. Did we address them? No, we just did what we had to do and built walls up where windows should have been.

I come here to vent my frustrations, get advice, give advice, rejoice in people's successes and lament their failures. The wonderful people on this site have helped me through many of my darkest days and more often than not, I got the truth given to me...whether I wanted to read it or not.

I'm not telling you that what you are saying is wrong, you are entitled to your opinion, just realize that there are people that don't agree and feel like they are being attacked for trying to do what they feel is right. I feel that the vast majority of people that are here are trying to look within themselves to see what went wrong and make the changes that they need. It is a process and everyone is on their own timeline with it. What works for some, may not work for me, etc... We all have to make our own way, but the insight provided by the posters here has helped me in more ways than I can count. To come here and tell people that they are not well adjusted and unstable is certain to garner a response, but not neccessarily the one that you had in mind.

S&S,

That was as thoughtful, beautiful and as well-written a post as I've ever read on here.

Well said!!!

Puppy

Well, I will say that everyone deserves a second chance, and a 3rd chance and a 4th chance, etc. The reason I say that is because of what you yourself pointed out. The oath we took. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part.

I'd say that grants extra chances if you agreed to take that oath. Now that doesn't mean that separation can't play into the picture until someone cleans up their act. But if you married for life, which I think is the only kind of marriage there is, then yes, everyone deserves second chances as none of us are perfect. Most of the time, we are where we are because of our own mistakes. I know I am. But I also know my W made mistakes. And I have forgiven her and I want to be forgiven also and given another chance.

Do I think that I am owed it? Yes, because of the oath we took. Just like she is owed it and I have given it and will always continue to give it. On top of that I have worked to make big changes. And I do think that should always be taken into account after you have taken the oath for life. But I am not in charge of this world, nor would I want that responsibility. I'd rather God handle that one.

Thats just my 2 cents,

Kevin

All,

This type of post comes up about once a year. Paths are choosen, decisions made, and destinations discovered.

There is no right or wrong, just choices.

Discussion is good with an open mind, without, it is opinion... Personal opinion.

Purely based on volume, this site promotes techniques to employ on a journey, which leads to discoveries. These discoveries are proven and documented. Those that aren't, are opinion, free to be proven and documented. Until then....

Steve

Hmmm. I don't know if I agree with that. I've heard somewhere something like you kind of become the choices you make in life and I agree with that. I think there are good choices and bad choices, although maybe some aren't so obvious. But like affairs between married people with kids, that kind of seems like a bad choice to me. Karen

I agree with MnSPD. There are no such things as a bad or a good choice. It's all a matter of perspective.

Not saying that all choices are ethically or morally correct, but we interpret things and make choices with the information we have to work with.

We think the WAS is making a bad choice, while they believe they are making a good choice. That's why our job as the LBS is to change the perceptions of our WAS to see that what they think is the right thing to do, really isn't.

Whether they choose to believe it or not is up to them.

I guess right or wrong depends on your beliefs and values. I'd clearly say there is right or wrong if you hold any values at all. The law has many rights and wrongs. No need to go into all of those. You can see that everytime a police officer arrests someone.

If you believe in the bible, there is right and wrong. There are choices made that are right or wrong and rewards or consequences for those choices based on whether they were right or wrong.

Kevin

But to add to that, in a M, it doesn't matter what was right or wrong when you are trying to fix it. All right and wrong does is further ruin chances of reconciliation. Better to not point fingers and try and fix things instead.

My W blames me for all the wrong stuff I did and continually points it out to me. It doesn't fix anything because I can't change the past. I agree with her. I was wrong. How do we move forward in the right way?

Kevin

Affairs are wrong. Period.

Puppy