The choices I was referring to were specific to the topics alex and the rest of us were disucussing in the thread. The path we choose to follow in our desires and the choice to use DB techniques or not.
The decision (choice) to self - reflect, discover, analyze and correct or not. The key being, the ability to internalise all of it and not expect our spouse to fall into our way of thinking.
Control what you can, if our spouses recognize our efforts and they begin to follow the direction we are headed, we've achieved the ultimate goal. The primary purpose of DBing is not to save a marriage, it is for us as individuals to self discover and correct behaviors and R skills. Anything beyond that is icing on the cake.
I'm sorry but I find this post way too sarcastic and bitter. I don't know the details of your journey, but I suspect that you are not in a "good" place right now. You can say what you wish to defend or deny that statement. This post comes off as depressed and somewhat self-righteous.
Of course, anyone going through a divorce, either the LBS or the WAS, most likely IS mentally unstable or un-well. It is very similar to a death: you have to grieve what is lost. And that DOES require going through the different stages of the grief process--anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, forgiveness. Everyone goes through life with some challenges, it's inevitable and part of being human. LBS come here to vent, talk, get it out of their system, look for some support, and for help with decisions. Some WASs have as well.
Looking for the reasons for a D or a "dysfunctional" family (whatever the heck that is...let's define normal for once and see if we can find more than 2 folks who agree on that concept) based on our families of origin is an exercise designed to make you nuts. I'm not saying our parents, siblings, and other relationships and situations in our lives do not influence us and our relationship patterns--they very much do--but what causes a D in my estimation boils down to this: total lack of awareness of ourselves and of others. All the other stuff...affairs, insults, lack of sex, etc. are really just symptoms.
And many times, relationships must end. I found myself faced with that decision after almost 24 years of marriage. It was the toughest decision of my life. You do NOT just simply move on nor do you make that decision out of a lack of love...you make that decision with full awareness and knowledge of the situation. You do it out of love for yourself, for perhaps not romantic love of a partner but the love required to let them live their own path. And yes, judgement is required when you must end the situation. Whatever the heck I was, LBS or WAS (heh...I kicked HIM out and he wanted out, wanted in, wanted out, wanted in, drove me beserk and I DB'd an addict)...the label doesn't matter. I made the decision to D.
Six years out from the final D, and yes...I am still healing from it, I am still growing from it, and I am grateful for what we had and our four grown beautiful children.
I am writing here because it sounds waaaay too much like you want to blame one party or the other for a D. It is never that easy. There comes a time a spouse just cannot take it any longer...mentally, emotionally, or physically and they HAVE tried all that they can do. Therefore, forgiveness is actually the act of letting yourself do what you must. It is not forgetting nor is it letting someone who has hurt you off the hook.
Quote:
But we are quick to judge them and force them to do what we feel is the right thing to do, why wonder they leave us...
Please remember that we DO have to use judgement in this world. Otherwise, we would not have any definition of what marriage is, what laws are, what families must be for ourselves. Do you truly believe (and I realize how radical this sounds, although you need to think about this quite slowly) that this M you have now meets any standards that are generally acceptable for a marraige? If not, then you must have judged it to not be meeting your needs as well. That is perfectly acceptable to do. If you decide to D or try to save your M, you will need to realize that establishing boundaries you are comfortable with includes some judgement and that you are required to forgive yourself before you can begin to heal...what you have done, you must cope with and what your W has done, she must cope with.
Hope this makes sense cause I see you beating yourself up here and wanted to put a twist on things cause this sounded waaay too much like where I was a long time ago with this rumination and philosophizing. What are you doing for yourself and your situation? Sounds like you need to get beyond the paralysis by analysis here, and sometimes things just need to end.
However, you do need to go beyond this and it takes a lot of time. One of the things about DB I never fully agreed with was the notion that you could tango by yourself. Yes, you can have a happy fulfilled life living alone; however, it takes two to tango in a relationship. There are never two innocent parties when a D occurs or any relationship ends. Both have contributed hurts and problems along the way. This does not condone adultery.
I have been there. I divorced someone six years ago who was most likely a sex addict.
Nobody can take advantage of you or treat you badly, unless you allow it. Adultery does hurt; however, the more you ruminate on the idea of what you didn't deserve, the more you rob yourself of what you truly deserve. Just think about it a bit.
