Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis in a galaxy far, far away...

I'm scared. Am I doing the right thing by telling him this? And I will have to file.

I know that everyone says the chances are better if he is in the home. When he is here, we get along great.

But, I am feeling like a hotel owner. He doesnt even tell me if and when he is coming back.

Help!!!

BM...as many will tell you, the decision is yours to make. For me, I knew when the hurt became too great. I COULD NOT LIVE with other men in my life with a new one every 6 months.

When my W gave me her littany of complaints, I listened, told her I would change and make her fall in love with me again.

What do our WAW's do?

I think, sometimes, the most basic thing we heard in school rings true, "if you love something, let it go...."

IMO, filing for separation is a better tool for the W than the H. The woman must be supported if the H is the main provider. A dose of reality may be a kick in the pants.

As for fear, it will always be scary. Fear is one reason why many choose to stand.

BM...step away from DivorceBusting and that 'hope for reconciliation'. Step into reality-based thought...and tell us:
1)Is your H making any effort to reconcile?
2)Is his presence here advancing your efforts or are they being destructive?
3) Knowing that most separations end up going to D, would separating provide any benefit to the M by giving space, distance, etc? My 2 atty's told me that the ONLY reason to file for separation is if there IS a chance at reconciliation

Don't forget....Michele discusses the last tactic, called the LRT, or, last resort technique. But..if you use it...you must be prepared to go thru with it.

In my PDF on women's infidelity, there is a story of a man who went thru the affair crap twice by two wives. After the first wife, he learned better. He wrote a letter to his wife telling him that if she returns back to the M, he would make a 100% effort and commitment to the M forever and work with her and do whatever was necessary, etc, but, if she didn't, he was not going to let her destroy his spirit.

Would a final M talk and LRT be indicated now? Only you can make this decision. Don't make this decision rashly, however, don't let fear keep you in a position of being hurt.

FIB

FIB, first, thank you, my friend, for posting to me.

There is no separation in my state. And it is very easy to get a quick divorce. They push it through to make it go as quickly as possible. I do not think h is with ow anymore, but I am not sure.

But to answer your questions:

1. No, he is not making any attempt at reconciliation.
2. His presence is making it difficult for me to advance my efforts. I am GAL, but he is always in the back of my mind when he is at home.
3. I am thinking that separating MAY benefit by giving space, etc.

But I would have to file. He has ruined us financially already. I could not take the chance that he would do evenmore drastic damage.

If I could file for separation, I would. I think the filing is what is holding me back. And fear of being unable to support myself.

Any help would be appreciated.

Hey, BM!!

It seems to me that you are still focusing of HIM and allowing him way too much power over your thoughts and emotions.

If you could really let go and GAL for you and your son, and just leave H sitting there, like nothing but another piece of furniture in your house, then I would say to leave the decision to stay or go in his lap and don't react either positively or negatively no matter what he does!

However, it appears that you may have reached a point where you may not be able to do that (and believe me, there is no shame in saying "enough is enough"!! I could never have made it as long as you have!!!).

Only you can make that choice, BM. In my opinion, it is impossible for you at this point to make a wrong choice! As I have said, from my own experience, seperation was a good growth thing for me, and I don't think I could ever have reached the point I am now in letting go if we were still living together.

You know I support you whatever you choose!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

Speak to atty BM....and just listen. Find out what your options are. Many times the consult is free FIB

Thanks guys, Fib, I have spoken to several. No options but to file and proceed with divorce or not file. They advised me to file as I have ruined my future waiting as long as I have already. They told me the divorce gets moved along - I cant stall it.

So, those are my choices.

I wish I could just let him sit here and go about my business. I have for a long time. He was happy to finally be able to move out, but he wanted to do it slowly for our son. That may be what he is doing.

I could just wait a week or two to see if that is it. I already told him we needed to talk when he returned. He just leaves and stays away and comes back when he feels like it.

I am feeling so torn. I am feeling being taken advantage of. I am losing respect for myself as I dont have a backbone, it seems. I have let him do it all his way for the most part.

He has not changed his mind once in 19 months. He held on for our son. I really think he is done.

And I am kinda tired, too. This takes its toll, no matter how much you GAL, no matter how much you try to have a positive attitude, no matter how well we get along, it takes its toll.

I have been with this man for 30 years. It is hard to let go. And I dont think I can do it while he is still in and out.

If I could figure out a way to do that, I would. If I chose to move forward, it is the beginning of the end. I will have to file, and sell my home, and get a fulltime job with benefits.
Not easy in this economy. ANd I will have to really and truly say goodbye to my friend, my partner.

[[[[[[[[[[BM]]]]]]]]]]

You seem to be forgetting something! Remember that D is just a piece of paper. Anything can happen. Stop "future fu**ing"!! You don't know what the future holds! I've read that the statistics are that 80% of married couples seperate for a period of 6 months or more at some time in their relationship. And 17% of people who actually get divorced, later re-marry the same spouse!

Please get the book "Getting Back Together" by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz. It really helped me to see how a seperation can be a step forward toward re-building your relationship! Especially if your H is no longer with OW.

If you truly love your friend (and I know without a doubt that you do!) then let him have this journey with your blessing (even though it's so very painful). Let him go, with love, for now!! I know this is the hardest thing you will ever do, but I also know without a doubt that you are stong enough to do it! And I believe that in the long run, you will see that it was the best thing you ever did!!

We have so very much in common, BM! My marriage was practically my very identity! Even though I always felt I was a strong person, I didn't really know how strong I was or really trust myself until this all happened! And, I know without doubt that my next relationship (hopefully with my H, who I know will always be the love of my life) will be stronger, healthier, and deeper than my M. I know this because I am a stronger, healthier, more self-confident woman than I was!!

Take Care, my Friend!!!

Thank you so very much SC. The fact that you are taking the time to write me means more than words could say.

And I hear you. I think I know that this is the right thing to do. I dont know if it is according to DB, though.

And yes, my h was very wrapped up in my identity. I realize now how unhealthy that was. I know that I am strong, I know I could do this.

Listen, how does the alt universe work? I have to be careful. But I think I would like to be able to hang there as well.

Your friendship has come to mean a lot to me too, BM!

Believe me, I do feel your pain. I can give great advice, but then I struggle constantly to take my own advice!

Today, H and I and S17 were supposed to have C sessions, which fell through because C had the flu. We all chatted for a bit in the parking lot, and it just hit me so hard! H looked so handsome, but he was so distant from me and I just wanted so bad to walk up to him and bury my face in his chest and hold on for dear life!

Well, I didn't do that, of course, but after S17 and I got in the car and headed home, I had a really tough time holding back the tears and S noticed them, and asked what was wrong. I said "nothing" which he obviously knew was not the truth. He asked what H said to make me mad, and I said again "nothing really". I don't want to put S in the middle and I know he doesn't like seeing me upset and gets frustrated with me because he thinks I should just be able to let it go. So, I finally just told him that sometimes it's just hard for me to be around his Dad and feel the distance there. It hurts.

I am doing better now, but still pretty depressed. I hate that it all can still just hit me sometimes......

As for the alt. I'm assuming you know what that is (FB). You just sign up. It's free. You don't have to put pictures or anything. I haven't yet. Then use the "Find Friends" tool and search "SChrldr". I'm the one with the last name that looks like it's missing a few vowels! Then you just send me friend request and that's it! [I hope this doesn't get me in trouble with the moderators...... ]

I have no advice for you BM. When my h left he came back once and then left again 2 weeks later. I do think it is hard for them to return, once they are off on their own.

Also when you never see them it's hard to have communication. Whatever decision you make, make it for you. This is about you now not your h.

Thinking of you!