I'm so far behind on the threads it's untrue. I hope you're OK. I can understand you being angry- not sure I have any good ideas or suggestions other than time, time and more time maybe. I'm sure all the experienced posters here will have lots more ideas (and be better informed since I've missed so much).
Anyway, I just thought I'd stop by and say thanks for the FB message. I'm OK- thinking mainly, and busy trying to sort work things out.
L. xx
PS. Ali- if you read this, I did come and visit your thread but it had locked so I couldn't leave my mark!
Somewhere in your subconcious your mind is playing a dangerous game with you. 'If he would only say/do this then I would feel this'. That comes through in your posts.
Well, that's exactly what happens, "if he would only -insert verb here- then I would love him again"...
LOL Sunshine! I don't think my post says very much, but I need a break from being here if you know what I mean? Anyway, I have some time now and could chat on FB/the other way if you're around.
I realised I am angry he is trying to pretend a whole year never happened, we dont need to talk about it, he doenst feel the need to say sorry, hold me in his arms and say "I know this has been hard, I am sorry, I had to do it".
Originally Posted By: Kalni
I hope he realises that unless there is somekind of "katharsis'" discussion, actions etc I will not be able to be peacefull inside.
Hi K,
I wish I had some advice for you, but unfortunately not, all I can say is that you've mentioned a couple of things which I've been struggling with and I've been peicing for just coming up to a year.
Hey K.. I'm sorry the day wasnt much of a success! Interesting, you were angry about him leaving and the year S and the Ow.. and now he makes you angry because he wants to 'brush it all under the carpet'...
..would it help to remember what we said about that? That maybe he is just not capable of confronting and resolving emotional issues or saying sorry? Looking at his upbringing and his mothers silent treatments? I guess he doesnt have the 'tools' as FG would say. And you cant teach him, as someone once said to me.. you're his girlfriend, not his therapist! But, if you see him as hindered, disadvantaged, out of practice.. would that help you not be so angry? As in, its not personal, or intentional, just supremely avoidant! Alot of the WAS on these boards are, thats how come we are all here, I am sure. I blame the mothers, lol. What happened to the idea of you both going back to IC? You are, but.. is he?? Can you ask him to?
As for the other happy couples making plans, yes, that is annoying, I see others sailing along, blissful in their ignorance or dysfunctional R's and I feel cheated.. why did I have to go through this devastating loss and they get to carry on as normal?? BUT.. I've learnt so much and feel so much more 'me' that maybe I wouldnt swap now. Still... I wish I had got to learn the lessons AND kept my ex. You got a chance at having both, but like Lanzo says.. piecing is murder! Its an uphill battle it seems.
I went in and tried a nice coat, I had no money with me (not that I have any anyways) and asked the salesperson to keep it for me until Tuesday, she said they dont do that on sales period. He gave her his card and said "we are buying it now". I objected (I dont recall ever him buying something together, I always pay for my things), he was not to be convinced. He bought it for me. On the way out I told him I am paying him back. He made a comment like "no way you are".
Originally Posted By: Kalni
On his way out, he hugged me tight and kissed me on my neck and cheeks. He hasnt done that for at least before I trip I think.
I love that he bought you something that you wanted - makes up for his christmas presents in a way!
Interesting what happens when you lead a little! I love that since you kissed him he felt more comfortable being more intimate with you.
Also LOVE that you surprised him.
It would be pretty awesome to create more moments like that.
Oh, and IMHO, let him buy the coat if he really wants to.
(((maria)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I realised I am angry he is trying to pretend a whole year never happened, we dont need to talk about it, he doenst feel the need to say sorry, hold me in his arms and say "I know this has been hard, I am sorry, I had to do it".
Originally Posted By: Kalni
I hope he realises that unless there is somekind of "katharsis'" discussion, actions etc I will not be able to be peacefull inside.
Hi K,
I wish I had some advice for you, but unfortunately not, all I can say is that you've mentioned a couple of things which I've been struggling with and I've been piecing for just coming up to a year.
Piecing is tough, nearly impossible.
Lanzo
K,
Yes, indeed you will mostly likely also need to pretend that he is not pretending that all the bad stuff never happened! In this sense love means "never having to say you're sorry" as in Erich Segal's "Love Story". If one of you expects a sorry it implies the other is to blame. If they can have "no fault" divorce why not have "no fault" reconciliation? In reminds me of Cookie's "power equal" status.
I recently asked Forrest (FG) why people get "stuck" here and he said something about not "detaching". I asked once again for good measure and he said the same thing. Could this be your problem K? I see a lot of "shoulds" from you and also from some of the well meaning folks here - this translates to "expectations" which translates to "not detaching" and you sometimes call it "not settling". I think in piecing and for the rest of your married life you will need to detach. Heck, we even need to detach from our little one's when they throw a temper tantrum and even they have quite a big ego!
Practice not taking your spouse's behavior personally. He is the product of the hand dealt to him by circumstance and genetics and the relationship dynamic that you are at least partly responsible for. You committed your life to him for better or worse. You have two beautiful kids together. Life is unpredictable, circumstances change. You owe him your love thru' all this. What if he met all your romantic and other expectations and the next day got hit by a truck or had a stroke that made him unable to speak or move. Would you abandon him then? My hunch is he's afraid to take the plunge and come home mainly for this reason that you do not accept him for who he is but what you expect from him. In fact to him it seems that nothing he does is good enough for you - whether its an IPOD, a beautiful dress, a kiss, whatever, ... If he was so convinced you truly loved him he would not stop at kissing you on the cheek and neck. In fact he'd feel secure enough to quit both his jobs if you wanted him to.
I have probably said too much but I know you have a lot of inner strength and capacity to grow.
If he was so convinced you truly loved him he would not stop at kissing you on the cheek and neck. In fact he'd feel secure enough to quit both his jobs if you wanted him to.
I dont know anymore fb2. I think the problem is the opposite, that he still thinks I love him as I have the last 12 years. And sadly, this is not the case anymore. If I could make a decision with no consequences, I would divorce him. If he would die tomorrow, I would be heartbroken and sad for the years to come. Contradicting but true. He is a piece of me, (even if FG doesnt agree). Almost like my x husband who by the way still is a dear friend.
fb2, you are advising me to be loving. I understand, I see what you mean, please accept me saying I am not able to. This is no lie. This is the truth. The more I "grow", the smaller he looks to me. Soon, very soon, I will have to make a choice, with which I will have to live by. I will take the responsibility for my choices. Love K
