Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Am I eternally hopeful or in denial....?

Hey Girlie,

He needs to see for himself the anger and hurt he is causing your son. Remember he is most likely not going to believe what you say. You need to protect and be there for your son, he is old enough to understand most of what is happening. You don't have to go into every detail and please don't talk negative about your H to him. ( I'm sure you know this already) You need to let your H deal with this. He did the damage and your son is hurting so it's extremely tough I know. He needs to step up on his own and I hope he does soon.

You Know your husband better than anyone else. I'm not totally caught up on your whole sitch. So the advice I give will be from my experience with my wife and from reading here on the board.

I have to say it is very well written and you cover many good points without holding much back. I Love your letter, but guess what? I'm not having a MLC. I, like you and others here, are thinking with our rational mind. MLC'ers can't.

Now there are no set rules and everyone is different. If I wrote that to my wife, it would have a negative effect, but Like I said, you know your H the best.

Being in MLC will it all sink in .... my guess is no

Deep down does he know this stuff already.....yes

Will he admit it.....my guess again is no

Will he take a look at himself and change.... Perhaps, but Not until HE is ready.

Nothing you say will make this happen. He is in his own little world right now.

Please don't get me wrong. The letter is great, but true MLC'ers don't have a firm hold on reality while off in la la land and In my opinion it seems like they just can't stand taking a look at themselves, like your letter suggests. They want to run from stuff like this.

You generally have to show them everything, and they will still test you to the max .

I hope and pray that it does have an impact on him. I will catch up on your whole sitch too. Let's wait and see.

thats what the kids said to their C when exh w took them, that to them H had picked US, little do they know what his words are, when i told that to H he said i will choose soon. i hung the hell up.

Thank you for your input, trapt! It is much appreciated!

The one person that H does still admit to really loving (other than himself) is S17. We have done a good job at putting S17's needs first, and working together on that and not putting him in the middle (except for the first few months when S17 and H were "best buds" and drinking and smoking together). Since S17 came clean with H's secrets and basically kicked H off his pedestal, H seemed to come back down to earth a little, and has admitted that the PA and his behavior with S17 was totally wrong. I am thankful for that at least.

I know that H will balk at my saying he is "flying in the face" of what he has said. But I am hoping that he will at least take to heart that I do want his happiness and my love is unconditional whatever he chooses.

Thanks again, trapt!! {{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}

So, am I to understand you talked to your H on the phone about this? If you don't want to tell me here, you can e-mail me in the alt. Or call later. I'll should be home after 8 pacific....

Hey,

Just wanted to pop in again real quick.

I know it is so hard to see the damage our spouses do to the kids. It is so unfair and selfish, but trust me there will come a day when the reality of his actions really hit him, and it ain't gonna be purdy.

Please understand, I wasn't trying to be a downer at all. Just trying to help you see a little into their crazy ways. It just seems like the more we (the sane ones) try to help or force them (crazy right now) to see reality, the faster the turn away and harder they run.

It is almost impossible for us to try to imagine how their minds of mush work. I guess that was the point I wanted to make. A normal person, yeah that email would hit'em good. With MLC'ers I just don't know. Again I hope he sees the light.

Focus on your son, he needs somebody who is stable, and your it right now. It's not fair, but it is what it is. You can do it!

I'm praying for you, Take care and talk to you soon.

Thank you so much, trapt, for your warm encouragement! It means a LOT to me! Really!! ((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))

H and I rode home together tonight because he is helping me with moving my computer to my new apartment, which I get to start moving into tomorrow night after work. The cable guy is supposed to be there to hook up my computer and TV so I will only be without the computer for 1 night.

Anyway, H and I talked on the way, mostly about S17. He is very supportive of pursuing treatment for S17 for depression and doing anything he can to help that along. We talked about how we both could do more positive reinforcement with S17. H said that he would not have S17 do projects unless they were doing them together. And we both are going to try to do fun things with S. So, I really feel that we are on the same page and headed in the right direction there.

I also re-iterated to H the things I said in the e-mail and told him that I was here for him and wanted him to be happy, even if that turns out to be without me. I told him that through this sitch, I have learned that I am strong, and that my love for him was not based on familiarity or fear of being alone, but it was real and deep because I know the good man that is inside him and I will love that man until the day I die. But that I was OK, and even happy with me, and sincerely wanted him to be happy. And that I support him on his journey, and am here for him if he needs me, and to not be afraid of giving me expectations, because my love for him was uncondtional.

He listened to everything and took it in, but didn't say a anything really, which doesn't surprise me. So, I am feeling pretty good right now. I have been true to myself and told him of my feelings, but I have let him go with love. I did get a little teary, but not too much. And I gave him a hug when we got out of the car.

Oh, H also talked about financial plans and renting the house(s) out. I asked him what then. He said then he hoped to have time to think. I asked if he had plans to file for D, and he said he wasn't even thinking of that. He just wanted to get the finances fixed from "this major fu** up" and then try to think clearly.

So, on with my life and doing my best to make a happy 2009!

Well, I think I've found the happy! This may sounds very weird but today I have a new perspective on my life. I've realized that the love I have for my H IS unconditional! It has been forged out of the whole of our shared history together and nothing can ever change that. Pain can't kill it. The OW can touch it. It is pure and unsullied and beautiful and it is woven into the very fabric of our lives and is a fact.

The paid I have felt is from the thought of losing our future together. But what is that if not "future fu**ing". I don't know what the future holds! But whatever it holds, nothing can change or take away the love we shared. Ever!

And because my love is pure and unconditional, I truly want his happiness even if that is without me! And unconditional also means that I am willing to share that love in any way he needs during his journey. I am strong and I am whole and I am there for him.

I am also atually glad that this whole sitch happened, because my love was clouded fears of losing him or being alone, and low self esteem because I defined my very existence by my relationship with him. This experience has show me that I am whole within myself. I now know that my love is real and it is stronger for having gone through this, because I am stronger.

I do not know where my destiny lies. But I move toward it with an open heart and an open mind, no matter what it holds. I am free, and so is my H (although he may not know it). I told my H much of this, and he took it in, but didn't say much. I didn't expect him to. I'm sure he has no idea what to think of it or to trust it. But it is the truth, and I have no doubt that time will show him that.

I'm sure that there will still be days when I am blue and miss him terribly. I am a peri-menopausal woman! It's inevitable!! But that still doesn't change the fact of my care for this man. However, today I am happy! And I really like this feeling!!

hey girlie you sound great today!! so when is the party at the new place?

Party? I'm not sure about that one. We're all supposed to be going out to dinner tomorrow night after the move (including H).....does that count?

I know.....I'm such a party animal!!!

LOL well i was thinking us girls having a party. lol. but dinner with your fam and H sounds wonderful. i am so glad to hear you sounding better.