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Hey Thanks Trapt and Snoderly

Well I guess it's time to recover from my mistake. I was talking to a friend of mine about the sitch and he described it as this "bad dog want a cookie" I thought brilliant but true. in a perfect world I should have ignored her and not picked up the phone or agreed to go skiing last night.

I was going to cancel skiing last night but she made sure she got off early and came straight home, so I figured why not. We had a fun time and was a positive experience. There was a bit of R talk but I tried to limit it she acknowledged that she treated our marriage badly referring to OM. I just said I am in no position to comment on that you're and adult and make your own decisions. She said that she didn't deserve a friend like me and asked me how I could be so patient. I couldn't think of a brilliant response, playing it safe I said nothing. I find it hard at times to get through these conversations because it's like a chess game and I don't want to make a wrong move AGAIN!

We made small talk and continued skiing. All in all it was a good night. One thing she did say to every ones point was that if her family wasn't so messed up she would probably move there to clear her head. With that in mind you guys are right that I need to back off and give her a chance to miss me.

She was running late this morning and the weather was bad so she had to take the train. She asked me if I would drive her to the train station. I agreed and drove her, she thanked me and gave me a friendly hug. I figured it was a chance to do something like we used to do. I used to take her to the train every morning on my days of and wish her a good day at work. I am going to back off but I didn't want it to look vindictive.

I am going to my parents overnight and will turn my phone off. When I get back I will be working evenings so I won't see her much which should be good. When I am at work I will limit my responses to her if she calls.

I only hope that this weekend didn't blow my hard work but I am determined now to really apply the DB techniques. Time to be get back the confident Jeff, be distant create mystery and not reward bad behavior.

Thanks Fixer,

I guess I was getting some very good responses and lost some perspective. At the time I was trying not to make a big deal about it but now realize it was the wrong response. By being a bit distant got me the good results so I need to get that back. I find it a little tougher because we live in the same house and have to communicate re: dog etc.

We are still friendly, not real friends yet, but I am still trying to remove the negativity so that we may be able to move to the friends stage.

Please if anyone see's me doing something stupid give me a kick in the a$%.

Jeff,

You stitch and mine are very common. Everything down to the age, but I don't have a dog. My W said she would keep it caged up when I'm not at home.

My W and I have been living in this unhealthy sitch together for a while. The detaching works and being vague works too.

What I've learned is just b/c you may think something is better, doesn't mean the MLC'er does. If you make 100 changes they only see one. If you slip once in your GAL, they see you as the looser. They're hoping we fail and they will do what they can to make us slip up.

I know how this sounds. Love your W from afar. Reward her for doing good and distance yourself from the drama.

Fixer

Jeff you have an XBox 360 friend request pending. When you get back to civiliation.

Hey Everyone

Nothing much to report, I get the feeling that my wife is in the separation phase again. She doesn't want to give me mixed messages whatever that means.

Question does anyone find that after awhile of your stomach getting in knots you almost don't care anymore. This week it is hitting me more about the reality that she has admmitted the physical affair but still keeps contact. I think about her this week and say to myself, I have made mistakes but she doesn't deserve me.

Now don't get me wrong I love her and want reconciliation. I know I haven't been at this as long as some but somedays it is hard to put aside the fact she has had sex with another man and still doesn't know what she wants.

I know I am supposed to be positive etc. and thought stop but this week sucks and I need to vent. I want to tell her to s@#T or get off the pot. I want my life back. I am thankful I don't have kids right now and admire the strength of those who have kids and are going through this.

Anyway this post was a bit selfish.

Jeff

You're not selfish at all, Jeff! You are a warm, caring, faithful man whose needs are not being met! Of course you feel hurt and anger and a bunch of other emotions too. That doesn't mean you don't love your W or want to save your M.

And I know exactly how you feel in not understanding how our spouses could sleep with somebody else, and throw away a marriage, for what they don't even know!!

Try to keep in mind that all you have to do is live each day as it comes and make it the best it can be, and follow my own path wherever my heart leads me. For now, I am standing for my M. And that feels right for me. But I make no promises for tomorrow.........I try not to think of doing this for the next several years as many on this board have done.

Take care!!

Cheerleader

Thanks for the encouragement, you are right I have take each day as it comes. This morning our conversation was friendly but I could tell she was being distant. I have been laying off the contact a bit to give her space. I made her a tea she appreciated it. We had a pleasant conversation but she told me that she is thinking about separation and thinks she needs to rent to clear her head. Oh well day by day like you said.

Cheers
Jeff

Hey Jeff,

What your feeling is normal. It is how you handle it that matters. Try your best not to let her see your frustration. It's tough, but you have to use it as motivation. I've felt that way lately too. Hang in there. If she starts acting distant, back away and get out and do something for you.

I'm praying for ya man. Stay Strong.

Jeff,
Trapt gave you excellent advice. She obviously felt that she was feeling entirely too comfortable w/you and felt that she needed to distance herself a bit. She's not ready to recommit to the relationship or you just yet. What do you do? Distance yourself, keep busy and put your expectations back down to zero. Keep repeating...she's a roommate over and over again. She's got to work these things out within herself. Yes, you've been doing a great job, but she's feeling a tad pressured by all of what you've been doing. I know, most women would be thrilled to have you helping out, but she's still not quite there yet to really recommit.

Jeff, it's a dance, follow her lead. Okay?