Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Feeling...empty. # 53

I have, more than once, sweetly, angrily, jokingly... He WAS feeling (I havent asked recently) first fine then that something isnt working, didnt know why he didnt want me, sexually, or why he couldnt do anything else

I am lost, cant you tell?

Couldnt meet me, not find the ten things... I am not GOING anywhere, I am walking away from this R...

fb2, there is no doubt in my mind he is fighting his own HUGE (I hope) demons. And I can almost feel sorry for him. BUT, we are all facing our demons. And adults must face them, not avoid them. I am getting angry because he just waits for the demons to go away or sleep. And after what happened he SHOULD know this isnt working...

I only want to be a woman. Its my 180, my change, I want that, I feel better with myself, dont want to be "everything in economy size". I prefer to specialize in something...

I don't know if this applies to your situation or not. But once my H told me I was loving him the way I wanted to be loved (letters, calls, touching, words of affirmation, quality time etc), not the way HE wanted to be loved. Problem is he could not tell me HOW he wanted to be loved...?

And he said that he was loving me (working to earn money so we could have all that we needed and I could stay home with the kids, acts of service like scooping the snow and household repairs) but NOT in the way I wanted to be loved and he knew it.

You said your husband said if you are wanting him to be someone else you need to find someone else, or something like that? I just wonder if he knows very well what you want for him, because you have laid it out there for him, but it is not the way he "wants" to love you? Which is sad, really....

Hey K! The debate rages on... "to no avail" means.. to no use, or no result. But I didnt agree with that part of FGs post, "he is giving it his all" - are you kidding me FG? If this is his all, I'd like to see what he's capable of giving once things are back to 'normal' and he doesnt have to try and fix something, lol.

Anyway, I think.. Pluto really did his work on you K and has well and truly, left the building!

Joking aside, as this really isnt funny.. sounds to me like you didnt get it wrong back then and throughout your M, you were just living in a reality, the only one you knew.. sounds like your H was quite dominant over the R you had (not necessarily over you, but he was in effect, perhaps subtley, with manipulation?) and quite alot of power, that he was pulling the strings, controlling the pattern and mood of your R in way that perhaps wasnt obvious and maybe it happened in increments. The effect being, he managed to manouvre you into mother, babysitter, housekeeper, his PA, chef, part-time lover...but he had it "his" way?

We're painting a bad picture here! as you are not feeling in love with him and you are possibly angry at him? I'm sure your H has lots of great qualities that his friends/family see, but then, they dont have to be his W!

Seems to me, bit by bit.. you outgrew him. You woke up. He's still sleepwalking.

Is there any hope that you could slap him awake? Forgive him this behaviour? Or is it just too late? But then, like my ex, or Bobbi's...you cant do it for them, they have to 'get it', grow, evolve themselves hey.

Al xxxxx

Ali, I was reading Passionate Marriage. It says that whichever of the two parties has the lower desire for sex, sets the pace and frequency. We all know it's true. For us, it was about everything. He wanted less of everyting... So, he set the pace. And because I was constantly "lacking", I was angry, bitter, demanding in his eyes, complaining, a bitch... Our friends thought the same most of the times. None of my my friends could take being married to a ghost. Even the ones urging me to stick around now, when I explain what I want is still less than average, shut up. In my case, average, normal, sufficient becomes HUGE, BIG, TOO MUCH...

Bobbi, I am trying to use his LL. Difficult when he is not around. Fb2 says I should fill his love tank. I think I am running on fumes. Who will fill mine, my little "gas light" has been red for the last 500 miles...

Absolutely. You grew, you changed, you were introspective and thoughtful about what you needed to change within yourself. He has apparently just left and done nothing to help himself out of his own unhappiness. That is his responsibility. As long as he insists on behaving in the same patterns he always has then nothing can change between the two of you for the better.

I'm sorry, but I think he's very immature in his thinking and is an emotional cripple. Step away before he cripples you again.

Maybe it would be a good idea to take a bit of a break from him at least, as perhaps as a result of the hurt of the S and the disappointment of the non-reconciliation going on, you are building up resentments by the day? And he has NFC, as FG says, what to do and is probably confused by you and the mood between you.

I think you said the phonecall was sad and awkward earlier and then you texted him and he didnt 'get' what you meant! So you brushed it off being about his illness. I dont know, its been a pretty intense/obsessive day, I have felt it and my two BFF. Like we are waiting for something to happen, or be revealed.

I hear you on running out of fuel. I am too....

I relate to what you said about whoever is lacking being 'in control'. My H did want sex often, but everything else he was fine with in tiny amounts. Like spending time together, working on projects together, going on dates, etc etc. I was (and still up until recently) was always the one nagging, complaining. Because I wanted more. Which made me unappealing to him because I couldn't just accept that he didn't NEED more even if I wanted more. He wanted me to just 'get over it'. Which sucks!

Sorry if that is hijack-ish. I just mean it is so true, the one who will settle for less seems to have the control.

On that note, I will never forget something I heard, of all places, from Tori Spelling (tacky 'actress' in the USA). Her mother told her to always 'be with a man who loves you more than you love him, that way you will always be in control'. Which is similar to what you said. If the other person is less invested, they are less willing to 'bend' for their husband/wife. Which is very sad...

This is interesting...i realise now that i treated my W with "love" in a way in which i "expected" / "wanted" to receive love - believing that to be the only way - and confused and hurt when she didn't return in the same way...

Only recently, 2 years post bomb and probably 4/5/6 years since she started losing respect me - that being the slippery slope to our current situation, do i realise that i was going about it all wrong - that people have different "ways" of feeling love and that what applies to one does not necessarily apply to another...i was busting a gut trying to show love which was meaningless...or at best wide of the mark.

But the flip side of this was that because of this belief, i didn't feel it necessary to say anything to my W...just thought i had to try harder doing the things that weren't working - that maybe i wasn't trying hard enough...

I know now that what i really need are words of affirmation, admiration, to be needed to sort things out and thanked for it - a pretty traditional male (sadly) pov - to be my W's hero - I'm not sure if I'm getting contrary here - but i think my W's needs are for honesty and openness - something that was pretty lacking in my childhood - not cos of any deliberate act or malice - rather because of the death of my disabled brother when I was 5 and i think because of my parents' determination to move on and actually to protect me from their sadness - but also because there was a stigma associated with having a disabled child in the 70s - in fact i remember well that we got a wheelchair provided by the local authority only just 2/3 months before he passed away (when he was 11) - due to pneumonia - and this being the first time I had seen him out of his bed and some other kids that I played with then not even knowing that I had a brother...

I'm not sure where this is going kalni - but to conclude in some way - when W and i first met and in the years following that i think we had the flush of love between us - but as time went on - and i was trying to express love in my way and she in hers...neither fitting into the gaps of the jigsaw puzzle of our lives we had inherited - and neither smart enough to talk about it cos we didn;t realise it was important - that's where things started to fall apart - i had my needs, and expectations, my W had hers - she had a difficult time (bordering on abusive) too ... but neither of us was smart enough or emotionally intelligent enough to talk about it...

i'll leave it there - because typing that out has caused me to drag up some upsetting memories...apart to say - in response to BJ's post above - I think it takes an awful lot of soul searching and introspection for a person to figure out "how" they want to be loved...I venture this - generally folks think that how "they" love is how their partner will return love...generally (apart from people who have a DSM disorder need love) they may need that love in a different way though - thats where the control comes in - suppose for a minute that everyone, generally needs love, and roughly in the same quantities as everyone else - then when there are problems in a relationship where there is good intent there must be 2 answers - either -

the person giving the love is wide of the mark but well intended

the person receiving those well meaning and loving intentions is frustrated because the do not "hit the spot"

And both doing exactly what they think is necessary...

...but that's exactly what the 5 LL's say - so there's no royalties coming to me! LOL!!!

Take care - GFI