My advice is to try listening to most of what she says and saying "I understand how you feel" or if there is anything you can say "You're right" or "I agree" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" Arguing is not going to help the sitch. Angry people want to be understood. Angry people really want to be loved underneath it all. I think the secret of DB is that you can subtly influence others with a positive attitude without directly talking about "working on your M".
DBer since 2003 D - 3/24/09 GAL and DBing for myself
I had hoped I would get somewhere with than approach. But, it hasn't seemed to have much impact, if any. I hardly ever argued with her. Actually, I think that may have been a fault of mine. Arguing with her is pointless anyway. If I agree with her right away, then she says I just said that to get her to shut up, and the argument goes on for a good long while. If I don't agree with her right away, she continues the arguement until I do agree with her. I think she has figured out that there isn't any point in trying to argue anymore, I just don't bite.
For you, actually doing some arguing, or better yet, just doing things without her "approval" or input has been a big 180. In your stitch, actually broaching this subjects is a great change.
Another open discussion might need to be in the works. The question is, do you want to do it in MC or at home?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I came across this in my reading on this site and I am sure you have probably heard it before but I wondered if it might help with fresh ideas.
In what ways could you "package" your thoughts, idea, and even yourself, to appeal more to the "buyer" (your partner)? Are you planting any seeds towards peaking their interests? Are you losing any "sales" because you're trying to sell them in a way that would make YOU want to buy instead of a way that appeals more to THEIR interests?
What ARE some of your partner's real interests? What things do they seem to come alive over, that really excite them? What things, and subjects, can they start talking about, and it's hard to get them to shut up? What kind of projects can they really focus on, and get lost in doing?
I thought it may help in selling the MC idea - although I know that would be a hard one!
I agree with what Michelle says, doing things without her 'approval' is a 180 and it has got her attention in the past - remember when you went out yourself for a meal a few months back. The thing I wonder with your wife though is whether sometimes she feels excluded - being that there are so many men in the house? What were the things you did together when you first started dating? How about sparking her interest more by going taking one or more of the kids out to something she would be interested in - the cinema or something - and then next time inviting her. You could state it in a more independent way like
'I was going to take S? to see (a film that is not to boy orientated!). I (you are saying I here not we as in the kids) would really love it if you came too?'
(((((((Julia))))))) I think you might be right about selling MC. I might need to try to think of a reason that she would want to go to sell to her.
As far as my 180, I am thinking of going on a two or three day "walkabout" (not walking, of course). Not telling where, or anything, just going. Still stewing on that.
I think she does feel excluded with so many guys around. But I don't think any of us are up for a sex change operation! What I have done a few times in the past few months is taken the kids out to eat at about the time she would be getting off work, and then calling her to tell her where we are going. She has met up with us twice. It isn't meeting me, but at least it gets us together.
((((((Michelle)))))) I think the next dicussion should be with MC, though at the rate things are going I might die first. In which case I will change the plan!
((((((Mishka)))))) Yes, I do think that I am fighting a losing battle. But I have to fight it to the end. Then I will feel good about whatever happens next!
I think I know what happens next. I've been reading "Passionate Marriage" (no that's not what happens next!). And I think that I have gotten to the point that the author call the "Crubicle". Where I am changing, and taking myself back. I think that soon I will be telling her what I am going to do. Not asking to to change, just telling her that I will not live like this and I am going to "xyz". I need to work on "xyz", but I think that refinancing to make S, or D, a possibility is part of it. While the rates are low I can do it and come out pretty well. If things do work out, then I could use the money to prepay a bunch and cut some years off, or something else useful, so it wouldn't be a disaster. But, it would be a step that needs to be taken, and it would force the issue, on my part. She can still choose what she wants, the point is what I do for me. If I say I won't live like this, then I have to back up my words, to keep my integrity for myself.
More later, maybe much later... who knows! The weather is supposed to be great this weekend, in the 70s during the day. I don't work tomorrow, S11 has a soccer tournament Saturday and Sunday. W works, other than Saturday. I don't know if she has her schedule yet, in some ways I don't really care!
Ahhhhh....is that apathy I hear? You don't care what she's doing as long as she's not directly impacting your life? Interesting Jeff.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend! I'm so jealous over the nice weather. We've had some crazy arctic blast move in here and it's going to be in single digits tomorrow morning with the wind chill. That is just awful for the deep south!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
