Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Heading down my own path

Bbj,
dont forget to DB. Stop the talks about filing etc. Stop putting words in his mouth hoping he will say no and at the same time questioning his answers.You still want the marriage to work, right? 90% of the people here live separated from their spouses, I did too.
In your case, IMO, it's your only chance.
xxx
K

S.Y.D is a DOLL!!!! An angel, amzingly cute and Nathan is a handsome boy. You are lucky!

(((BBJ)))

I had a post all composed to you and got a fatal error. Bummer! Trying to reform my thoughts to you but I love what everyone else has said.

You know you aren't ready to file. You will only live 'on hold' if you decide to do so. The time apart can be good for you both as long as you do NOT do anything to help Dan. I mean NOTHING. The only things you should do are for the children. When they are with Dan on his time then unless they are bleeding or something equally drastic you can not help him with anything. Transportation on Dan's time - his problem. Dr.'s appointment (non emergency) on Dan's time - his problem. Dan has Nathan on a karate night - Dan takes him regardless of his schedule. If Dan is not capable of negotiating a set schedule with you (which you and the kids need) then Dan doesn't get the amount of time he thinks he should have with them. It's time to be tough BBJ. I don't mean that you should be deliberately cruel and ugly, but that you must be firm. Firm and direct. This builds respect and will further build your confidence in your own self-sufficiency as well.

Now, on to a happier note - CONGRATS to Nathan on his orange belt! Great accomplishment! 6 years old is a tough age to expect him to sit up straight and behave with black belt discipline. It does sound like he went a little far, but the excitement got to him. He'll do better next graduation.

You're doing a fabulous job BBJ! Don't EVER let Dan pull that crap on you again saying he's going to quit his job and stay home. Call his bluff. Tell him to go ahead and do it. See what he says. Blowhard!

Hey Bobbi...

"Anyway I keep thinking in the back of my mind that he obviously wants a divorce. Otherwise why would he buy a house and move out? I mean maybe he finally does see he needs help, hence the counseling again. And he said he wants to tell the kids we are taking a time out and we don't know if we will be back together again."

.. you dont know, its too soon to tell, plus, you have to take what he says on face value.. he doesnt want to file yet. I really see him as wanting some PROPER space.. hence, buying the house, but I see him as in now way decided and trying to let you down gently. I agree with Kalni, try and stop the R talks and filling in the blanks for him.. he will resent any attempts on your part to tell him how to act/ how he feels/how to feel. He's only going to get it, by going through it himself.

Interestign what you say about your Mum.. my sister said to me that our Mum had taught us to not hold onto anything, bittereness or anger, to be forgiving and never ever to be vengeful of people. I guess thats why I am so forgiving of my ex, you made me think there.. so I applaud you for rejecting your Mums influence and managing to go your own way with that. You still seem pretty impatient though, for resolution and itchy to file.. can yuo just drop that thught altogether, if you DO still love him and want to reconcile one day??

Al xxx

Hi BBJ

damn you are strong! Don't you get tired of being strong?

Use that strength to fight for what you know to be right. God always points you in that direction.

Do more for you and lovingly detach.

Onward with PD ...project dumbhead ..lol ..just kidding

T

Some of what your mom says is good. There is a generation gap in thinking and you can do without the "throw him under the bus" vengence. I can understand you wanting to get the kids toys and clothes separated, but take your time. It may be a while before Dan gets the new place fixed up for them.

I did the same things of wanting to help my X out too much. I even looked for an apartment for her. You just have to let them go and fend for themselves.

Thanks for all the advice. I am not going to have any R talk of any kind with Dan. Only Nathan and Sydney talk. Actually last night he called and talked to me AFTER the kids were in bed. We talked for about 15 minutes and never mentioned our R.

good morning BBJ

Hello Tomato. Good evening...

So today was pretty non-eventful. Nathan got to take a buddy to karate tonight so he had his first non-cousin 'play date' at our house. They played here, we went to McDonalds, then up to Karate. Lots of fun was had by all...

I ran into my high school boyfriend (only boyfriend I ever had other than Dan, we dated for 10 months) again today in our small town. Fourth time I have seen him since we moved back. I pulled up to the sandwich shop in town and saw a van with his workplace's logo on the side. Wondered if he was there b/c they only have two vans and I know he drives one.

Anyway he wasn't inside which was fine (funny I actually sort of anticipated seeing him ). As I turned to go he approached me and teased me that they 'let me get away' from school in the middle of the day. He said he had just come out of the women's restroom and he saw me there. (He is a plumber not a cross dresser )

I teased him back about being in the women's restroom and he blushed. He always did have this super cute shy smile and mannerism that I loved. Anyway we talked for a few minutes, he told me his ex was talking about moving back and reuniting with him, but she hadn't actually done it yet. I said I was so glad to hear it, I had been thinking about him (meaning his situation, I knew they were split up and it was her choice not his).

He made some cute comment like 'Thinking about me huh, hopefully not all bad' or something like that. Anyway we both left and I got in my car and realized that is the first time I really felt like I flirted with someone other than Dan in such a long long time...It was fun! I still want my husband back but our interactions have been so stress-laden for so long that I can see the draw some people have when they are able to just relax and laugh with someone without all the baggage.

Of course that was all it was, a moment of lightness. But it was still fun.

Oh, and I fixed a computer problem all by myself today. Go me! I am not tech-oriented at all. But my cpu was showing 100% capacity and freezing up the past three days. I googled the process that was using all the cpu (spoolsvr.exe) and found out it was the printer. So I did what the website said to do and I have a functioning computer again. Mentioned that to H on the phone when he called tonight and he seemed surprised I handled it myself...

And I ran 4.8 miles yesterday, shooting for another 4 tomorrow.

Hey BBJ! Sounds like a great day.

Fun interaction with an old friend.

Techno-guru in training.

4.8 miles!!!!! YIKE!!!! I'm totally impressed!!!

Way to go BobbiJo. You're going to be just fine no matter what happens.

I like to think I will be okay no matter what. Mish, I found something I read in my devotional yesterday that matched what you have been thinking as far as living your life in a way that is pleasing to God instead of just making your own decisions based on your feelings of the moment. I will post it to you once I look it up...

Anyway I am doing well. Flirting with a friend just reminded me that I AM still a girl and still alive...

And running at the gym and having friends over for the kids are things I can do no matter what happens in my life. I am taking back ownership of my life instead of waiting to react to whatever Dan does. And that feels good.

I think that once I get over the (amazingly large) hurdle of actually telling the kids our situation, I will be able to get even stronger. The truth is we have been living separate lives for so long it is really just putting a name to it (separation), nothing is really going to be all that different except for the kids going to Dan's house one he is ready for them.