Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Maybe I should be in piecing part 5?

hope,

boy she had a hard head...

(((((Hope))))) here is a virtual one. I know its not the same.

But if I don't see any progress soon, we'll be having that talk. I know I can't keep living this way for ever. It's not healthy for me or my kids.
>>>>>>>>>>>

Hope,
I keep following your thread with my fingers crossed that at some point YOU are going to be the one to make things change. You posted the above quote on May 11 2008. That is a LONG time to tolerate a situation you know is toxic for you. She had an affair, hasnt really ever apologized for it and refuses to do anything you have asked of her.

Please stop the friendly chit-chat. Let her get her own stinking latte. I think the trips you are taking her on are big mistake as well. You need a vacation, a vacation from her!

If you could ever really just let her go and show what her life will be like without you in it..she might just start chasing you for once.

You're absolutely correct Sakaro. And I know this sounds like an excuse, but I've had "that talk" with her a number of times since then and every time she does just enough to make me think she's figuring it out. And she does just enough to pull me back in without making any kind of real commitment. And with the financial situation of our house and my job it's all just drug out longer than it should.

And this weekend is a perfect example. I already talked about how she was Friday night when she got home from work. All talkative etc. Saturday morning she's in a very good mood. We leave around 3:00 for our concert/dinner. We check into the hotel and head to dinner. Have a nice meal, lots of conversation, then the concert where we both have a very good time. Many times during the concert she was leaning closer to me etc, but I just wasn't really in the mood. After the concert we walked to a bar and spent a couple hours there. W talking the whole time. I was very attentive. Listened and listened. At one point in the conversation, W's friend M came up. Remember, she's the one that I talked about from W's Christmas party and how W would change when she was talking to her and then change back when she'd talk to me. So when M came up in the conversation, I said to W "I'm not trying to be mean here, but I found it very interesting at the Christmas party how you would change when you were having conversations with M". W said "what do you mean?" I said, "Ok, don't take this wrong and again, I'm not saying this to be mean, but M just seems a little 'duh' to me and when you talk to her it's like you have to 'duh' yourself down to her level to have a conversation with her but then when you'd be done talking to her and turn the conversation back to me you were able to be yourself" and W said "yes, you're right".

So we went back to the hotel and I went straight to bed. Of course we slept in the same bed again. And in the morning, W was in a great mood. Joking with me, changed her clothes right in front of me. We stopped and got some food on the way home and when we got home we each took a nap (yep, we're old). Woke up and watched the NFL playoffs together (WooHoo Steelers!). After the games were over I went to bed.

So, sounds like a good weekend right? I thought so too. But this morning W comes upstairs and starts getting ready for work and the first thing out of her mouth is "You didn't get my toothbrush out of the suitcase?" No thanks for unpacking the suitcase, but why didn't I do it right? I asked her where it was in the suitcase and she said wrapped up in a plastic bag in the top section and I replied, "oh, I didn't realize that was your toothbrush". She just opened the drawer and said (in kind of a bit*hy tone) "I've got another one" and proceeded to continue getting ready.

Ok, so not really bad huh? But...today is my birthday. She never once mentioned it. No Happy Birthday, nothing. She can bit*h about me not unpacking the suitcase correctly cause it affects HER, but never once mentions my Birthday. Of course she may mention it tonight. We'll see, but it's just another instance reinforcing the walk away path I'm on.

But I'm not letting it affect my weekend. I had a great time at the show/dinner/bar. And had a great time yesterday watching the games etc. I just feel more and more detached to a point where I'm not sure if I'll want to make it work if she comes around.

"Just another instance"??? She doesn't wish you happy F$%KING BIRTHDAY, and it's "just another instance"????

What a b*tch, I'm sorry. I've almost posted something similar to what Sakaro wrote, but I've held back because I know you're trying so hard. But that post of May 2008, you have written that post (or something VERY similar to it) probably THREE DOZEN TIMES since then.

Yes, she IS giving you "just enough." The only question is what you're going to do about it, and when.

Puppy

P.S. Congrats on your Steelahs!!!

Oh, I know you're right Pup. She gives me "just enough" to real me back in when I push her.

3 dozen? I would have guessed closer to 4 dozen, LOL.

What I'm going to do about it is at some point soon, I'm going to tell her I'm seeking a transfer back to our hometown and I just don't see her moving back with us, and why.

I'm going to wait some because she's in a really busy/difficult stretch at work. I WOULDN'T do that to her, regardless of how I am feeling, because she really needs to concentrate and it wouldn't be right of me to do this to her while she's so involved with the chit at work. This work stretch should be over mid-Feb to sometime in March. Theres also this bed thing. I see it being so funny that she'll sleep in bed with me when we're not home, but when we're away she has no problems. Thing is, I KNOW there have been a few times in the last couple weeks that IF we had the new bed I could see us being closer (again ladies, I'm not talking about sex), but that bed is a big stumbling block for her.

In the mean time, I'm just going to detach more and more and live MY life like I want to. Me and the boys. And if she tries to pull me back in, I ain't going there without something real in it. I guess this approach works in a couple ways. Gives me peace of mind and lets me observe if she truly is making progress.

And one more thing I thought of Sakaro (and not being angry here). There is no way I would stop and get myself a Latte and not ask her if she wanted one. That's not who I am. She may not tell me Happy Birthday, but I'm just not that way. Doesn't matter what she's done to me or how she continues to treat me, I'm not going to change WHO I AM. If that makes me a doormat, so be it.

So yeah Pup. It's just another instance. Water off a ducks back. I actually found it kind of funny. How can someone be so self absorbed? Like I said, she may surprise me tonight, but I'm guessing it will be the obligatory "do you want to go out for dinner for your birthday?" And I just don't think I'm going there. Maybe I'll go out by myself. That would be the BEST PRESENT I could give myself.

What has she done in the past for your birthday? If she doesn't know what you want, she will resort to times in the past that seems like you were happy doing what you did on your birthday. If she doesn't say "Happy Birthday" to you, I would hope you would have a conversation about it.

I see what everyone is saying about how she seems to do nothing for you. But, I wonder if each time she didn't, if you would say something to her, if she wouldn't start getting better. She's not a mind reader. Yes, common courtesy, but she's who she is, you married her that way, she possibly grew up a certain way, and if you want some changes you need to tell her EACH and EVERY time. You are letting everything build, you are detaching more and more. You both won't ever have a chance with this cycle going around and around.

There are a million reasons why she could have been rude about the toothbrush. She's not a morning person, she was hormonal, she was cranky, she said something without thinking first, she had the "down" you have after a good weekend, etc. No one is perfect.

I know what you want. Everyone on this forum knows what you want. But, I don't really think she does. I really don't.

You continue to be nice to her, you continue to buy her gifts and go places with her. If I were her, I would think that things are going awesomely and you both are doing well. Because if you WEREN"T, you certainly wouldn't be taking me places and buying me things, etc.

TALK to her. Over and over. You are not in that "detaching" phase anymore. COMMUNICATE.

You say you have talked to her, but I don't buy it. Whenever you tell us on here that you talk to her about something specific (i.e. the lady she dumbs down to) she has agreed. When you sat down and talked, did you make a plan on things? Did you tell her your timeline and what you are waiting to see?

What I see happening, is you waiting on her to do something you want her to do. Things she doesn't know, and things that are not natural for her. When she doesn't do it, and when you have detached enough, you will throw the moving ultimatum at her. By this time, you don't really care what she does because you have detached beyond repair.

YOu say your wife is stubborn, but I see some stubborness in you as well. I'm stubborn, and my H can be, too. But....as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for ya?"

I was waiting for your reply WDID.

Do I really need to say something to her about not saying "happy birthday" to me? I mean, really? In the past I've never made a big deal out of my birthday. It's really just not a big deal to me. All I need is an acknowledgement of the day. I don't need gifts, I don't need a big production out of it. But just acknowledge it. And W would always get me a card and it would usually be one of the occasions where she'd express her feelings for me (except last year ).

And yes, W is not a morning person. Does that excuse common courtesy?

Again WDID, you're going to have to help me with how she doesn't know what I need. I've told her in letters 3 times since summer, the latest in late November. I've said to her on more than one occasion "all I need to hear is 'you want to try'. And she says "she can't say she wants to try". So when you hear that enough, you just shut down. I know you said "talk" to her, but I see her respond better to letters because there's no pressure in having to face me.

I will "talk" to her about my timeline and the reasons why/what I'm waiting to see. This transfer I'm seeking probably won't happen for a good number of months. When I talk to her about this I will be specific about it, but again, like I told Pup, I won't do it while she's so involved at work.

Yes, I'm stubborn. But I just don't see what else I can do besides "talk" to her like you suggest, when she's told me on a number of occasions she doesn't WANT to talk about it/us. I can only control me. So if she can't/won't even talk to me about what I need and can't/won't even tell me she wants to try, then what's the point?

Also, Puppy mentioned prayer. It's everything. Talk to God. Anything is possible with God.

You may be thinking how you pray and pray and pray and nothing happens. I heard a story on a movie the other night that talked about 2 farmers that prayed and prayed for rain for their fields. One farmer prepared his field in expectation for the rain and one farmer didn't. Which farmer do you think received the rain? The one that prepared for it, of course. You have to act as if there is no doubt that you two will be together forever. Prepare the field and expect the rain, and it will come.

I've been preparing the field for over a year now. How long do you need to prepare for rain before your seeds die from the lack of rain?

H4U,

I agree, you have told her. Repeatedly. In WORDS.

However, your ACTIONS speak loud and clear to her otherwise -- they say "I'm just fine with things for now," and we humans are, after all, path-of-least-resistance creatures, aren't we.

Isn't that what we are taught here on DB? To judge our spouse by their actions, and not their words? Do YOUR actions towards her say "I'm OK with this" or "I'm NOT okay with this"????

Puppy