I will ask the school counselor but wondered if any of you who have experienced this could weigh in...
As prev. mentioned, my kids will be living part-time at their dads. I want it to be "home" for them too, when they are there. To that end, they will be stocked in books, toys, clothes, and movies at both houses.
We are not made of money so I can't get doubles of everything we already have. But b/c we have a large extended family the kids have received TONS of toys/books over the years at birthdays and holidays. We will really only have to get some extra shirts and pants since they even have a lot of pajamas too.
Anyway the question is
Should my 6 yr old son help pick what books/toys go to his dad's house, or should I just pack that all myself?
On one hand, I would like to just load up some of the toys and books and jammies and stuff and H can take it over with him when he is ready for it. But I didn't know if Nathan would feel like I snuck around and 'took' his stuff from our house if he wasn't included. I thought if he went to the house for the first time and was like "Wow! There's my dinosaur mountain! My Bionicle books!" etc that might be nice for him.
But I also thought it could help him feel involved/included if he got to pick out some of the things he took to his dads.
I suppose it could be a happy medium. I could take some of the more 'generic' toys/books/clothes--ones he enjoys but not among his most prized--and pack them up. But also tell Nathan he can pick a couple of his precious things to take over too if he wants. Like he has a half-dozen favorite stuffed animals, four or five favorite books,etc. And I could let him decide which of those stay or go.
Maybe I am overthinking it. The best way for me to get through this is to be a list-maker/planner. If I look at it as tasks to complete (separate banking, check; divide up medical bills, check; etc) it helps me deal with it objectively....
I haven't posted on your sitch before, and I have admittedly have been a lurker, but it is because I may very well find myself in your exact situation sometime in the not too distant future. Frankly I am amazed at how well you are handling everything, how strong you are through all of this, and that you are putting your concern for your kids first to make sure they are as comfortable as possible.
FWIW, I think your second option above is the best way to go. Taking over the generic stuff will ensure there are things already in place, but letting them pick out some specific items will include them in the process. I think it is the perfect approach.
I hope everything goes well with your son's Karate and also with telling him about what is going on with you and your H.
Just rapidly breezin thru. I will wrap myself around project Dan even more diligently now that I see you and him are not going to be under the same roof. Our sitches get a lil more alike.
So, we DO have an orange belt. That night was bittersweet (fri). Because Nathan DID earn his belt but he was squirrely the entire time when he wasn't the one being tested . He was not 'sitting like a black belt', he talked to the boy next to him, rocked back and forth in his indian-style position until he fell forward on his face. AND Master Sanders, owner of the studio, had to stop WHILE giving out orange belts to tell Nathan to stop flicking his white belt (folded up in his hand after he got orange belt) at another child.
H was furious about it and basically said that if the entire time I was home with the kids (not working), this was the result, maybe I should not have stayed home. Maybe he would have to quit his job to parent our children.
We talked about it later and he rephrased what he meant but I was still so upset. He actually told me to shut the f up during the ceremony b/c I was trying to defend myself from something he said to me under his breath....
NO we did not tell the kids yet. Dan left Sunday morning for Calgary/Boise and he doesn't get back until Thursday night. He didn't want to tell them Saturday and then just take off four days. So we are telling them this coming Saturday, once Dan is back in town. That way we have two days to start dealing with the fallout before Nathan is back in school.
I am taking Friday as a personal day (I keep saying that, never have taken a personal day but this time I actually submitted the request ). I am going to spend the day dividing up the children's clothing, toys, books,etc. I got in a big fight with my mom about this over the weekend. She told me all I do is kiss Dan's a$$ and make everything easier on him. She asked me why I was packing up anything, I should make him do it. I kept trying to explain to her that I was NOT doing it for Dan, I was doing it for the kids. Because I wanted to make sure they were taken care of.
If Dan forgets to mail the bill for the tractor or truck and it gets taken away from him, I don't care. Not my problem. If he doesn't do his laundry and wakes up with nothing to wear, that is his mess. But I am NOT going to take the chance that the kids won't have what they need. And I know Dan well enough to know that he would just go to the store and buy ALL NEW clothes, toys, etc for the kids rather than take the time to pack them up from our place. And I don't want to spend that kind of money while it is still OUR money...
So anyway I am going to get the stuff all divvied up on Friday and take his share of the kids' stuff to the storage shed Friday afternoon. I will get out the few boxes in there that are still 'my stuff' so the whole storage unit will be his stuff. I did go buy my D a Princess toddler bed, bedding set, and blanket to have at H's house. I told H I wanted to sort our things for the kids if he didn't mind and he said no he didn't mind and he thanked me.
So maybe I am simplifying it for him. But I see it as keeping my kids from living out of a suitcase and sleeping bag...
Oh and Sunday Dan texted me four or five times, again, every step of his trip, where he was, when he switched planes, etc etc. Why does he feel the need to do that when he doesn't even live with me anymore?
And he was giving the siding on the house a worried look Saturday afternoon when I was out sledding with nathan and Dan arrived. There are serious nail holes where the siding 'popped' around the nails and the siding is starting to swell/warp. Dan told me when we had the inspection that "WE would be replacing the siding in a couple years, no big deal"...
So after he looked at it he said "That needs replaced THIS year, it has gotten worse". So I was commenting on how I would need a home equity loan or something, he was saying how much it would cost, and I said something about how we were originally going to do it together. He said, "We will probably STILL do it together". WTF he is buying his own house for pete's sake...
OK I will make this my third post in a row. I have been trying to distance myself from my own situation and make my brain stop talking, if anyone has advice for how to do that let me know. Trying to do it in bed at night just makes me fall asleep.
I am trying to figure out what if anything I should do at this point. Once H is out of the house, I really do not see him coming back. Part of me thinks he is saying he doesn't want to file for a D just because he doesn't want the financial hassle while he is getting his new cabinets, windows, carpeting, etc. He had said in the past if we filed for D before he got a home loan it would be a nightmare to get one. And the lawyer told me something about freezing accounts or whatever once I file so he can't go spend a ton of money.
Anyway I keep thinking in the back of my mind that he obviously wants a divorce. Otherwise why would he buy a house and move out? I mean maybe he finally does see he needs help, hence the counseling again. And he said he wants to tell the kids we are taking a time out and we don't know if we will be back together again. But there again, maybe he thinks it will be easier to let them down easy and just tell them that for now instead of going right in with 'the D word'...
Friday after kids were in bed we were in the kitchen and I said if you are that unhappy with me as you acted tonight, if you truly feel we can't make this work, then I should just file for D. He said 'No I don't want you to file. I don't want to file either.' I know I can't try to read his mind. I am just trying to decide if I am wasting my time in the separation thing and should just go ahead and file. I guess maybe what I am trying to say is that I know myself well enough to know I may keep living 'on hold' if we are living separated but not Divorced. Holding out that hope of reconciliation.
I know I am rambling and that is one reason I haven't chosen to file. If I can't see my situation clearly yet I don't want to make a decision I would regret.
Here is an opinion..... If you don't know that you are "ready" to file, don't! Wait until you can live with your choice. At some point, I'm sure that time will come, but it doesn't seem that you are there yet. Tomorrow might be different.
True, and some of that thinking is colored by my mother. She is a very angry, unforgiving, vengeful person. No matter what I said about my wanting to get my kids prepared and as comfortable as possible in Dan's house given the circumstances, she just kept saying
*You always fix everything for Dan *When is he going to feel the consequences of his actions *When will he have to figure anything our for himself instead of you doing it for him
She would like me to take out a full page ad in the paper detailing all of his indiscretions, then throw all of his belongings in the front yard. And fight him for 100% custody of the kids to punish him. She will NEVER understand me. I told her it is too sad that I cannot talk to her about my life but I realized I cannot and it won't happen again...
but he was squirrely the entire time when he wasn't the one being tested 
. He was not 'sitting like a black belt', he talked to the boy next to him, rocked back and forth in his indian-style position until he fell forward on his face. AND Master Sanders, owner of the studio, had to stop WHILE giving out orange belts to tell Nathan to stop flicking his white belt (folded up in his hand after he got orange belt) at another child. 
). I am going to spend the day dividing up the children's clothing, toys, books,etc. I got in a big fight with my mom about this over the weekend. She told me all I do is kiss Dan's a$$ and make everything easier on him. She asked me why I was packing up anything, I should make him do it. I kept trying to explain to her that I was NOT doing it for Dan, I was doing it for the kids. Because I wanted to make sure they were taken care of.