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Hi 'L', waiting for Saturday is torture. I feel that I was thrown under the bus by 'm'. How can she meet him every Monday? How can she lie? Last time, I spoke to him. He doesn't give me anything to hold onto. No more 'talk soon'. No more 'talk to you later'. Why do they both throw me to the wolves on Monday? She used my divorce to get closer to 'A'. They are closer and I am pushed away. Is being closer to me that scarey to him. I feel that I messed up somewhere. My patience is weakening. Hope is weakening. My emotional health is weakening. I have prayed to regain strength. I have prayed for God to give me something to encourage me, to give me hope.

I know exactly how you feel... I pray all the time... and it seems nothing is happening... I pray that we both have the strength to keep praying for our spouses....

I know exactly how you feel... I pray all the time... and it seems nothing is happening... I pray that we both have the strength to keep praying for our spouses....

hi . . . I've lost friends that I thought I could trust because of all of this. I don't know who to trust. My friend tonight told me that I am sick because I still love my husband. She can't be my friend anymore. She accomplished what she set out to do -- upset me. Why can't my friends want what I want? Why can't they stand by me? Why can't they be thankful with me for the progess that has ocurred? It makes it very difficult to be alone without the people who I thought would be cheering me on. I thank God that he believes in marriage, and I pray that we both have some real encouragement very, very soon. Amen!

Dear JoJo,
Sometimes I think those very lonely times, when friends seem to be scarce, bring us to that recognition that we are not alone. He is with you, JoJo. Big, big hug.

JoJo, I cannot believe how your story sounds like mine. How your thoughts are my thoughts.

I, too, am looking to do something different. My his still at home which can be very difficult also. He cannot afford to move out and is very frustrated by it.

I am also very patient, kind, available and I know it comes across as needy. I have been making changes and GAL, but I still find myself walking on eggshells and having h always in the back of my mind.

I need to figure out what to do differently.

Going Dark definitely goes against my grain. It feels horrible. However, I'm doing well after 1-1/2 weeks of not initiating contact. I worry about all the 'what ifs'. What if he never calls me? What if he decided to sweep me aside again? What if he looked my way and realized it was better not to talk to me ever again? 'ick' I can't even stand thinking about it. Maybe . . . he is noticing . . . hey, it's Wednesday! I haven't heard from her in awhile! (I hope and pray.) I'm not as anxious as last week. I've started to think about what I need to do to help myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually -- sleeping patterns, exercise, new job, feeling motivated, losing 10 lbs., feeling comfortable, have joy, prayer life, yoga(!).

I was reading other messages. I got a lot out of what one moderator wrote. It was very similar to what 'Men are from Mars' states. That is, men and women need and give love differently. I usually give love the way 'I' need it. He doesn't seem to respond to that. Well, he responds somewhat. I now see that he defines and needs love differently. I'd like to learn how to change my behavioral pattern. It seems like I have to read the directions constantly until I figure out this new game. I don't think I will ever give up.

Today, I'm looking into what I can do for myself. The next step is to 'do it'. Ok? Big Hug! Going Dark Goal date: Oct. 6.

Hi L, I am so glad that I spoke to you. Your insight help well-being tremendously.

Update: It's Friday. One week and three days to go?

1.) M called the other day. Going Dark works on her. (big deal) She asked about my Mom, and she talked about 'the other friend'. She told me that they got into a fight. I never brought up A. She does. She pulled another 'stab and twist' game. I 'acted as if' it didn't bother me. I hate it. I want to tell her to shut up. Should I ask her not to talk about A? I try to change the subject and ignore her. She told me A isn't talking to 'the other friend' either.

2.) A hasn't called. I worry. I am already disappointed. I feel better, but I'd hate to think that he is mad at me or pushing me away again. It makes me want to tell M, 'hey what's up with A? He hasn't called me'. I don't want to do that. right?

Plan: if he doesn't call, I can call him with a friendly 'Hi' to touch base. I would feel so much better if he calls.

Current Progress: feeling more in control, enjoying & concentrating on work more, sleeping better, getting organized, less obsessive about A, less anxious . . . still 'what if-ing'.

Hi . . . I'm sorry that you have to go through this, as well. What are your goals and plans? Are you 'acting as if' you prefer to stay married, but it's ok that he move out? What are you doing to stay sane? Do you have friends that are supportive and encourage your hopes? . . . I will.

I think that getting us to Eggshell Walk is a way to set up emotional barriers and maintain control. I learned not to be angry at it, but as I am respectful, I am learning to set up my own boundaries.

You have an advantage that he can actually 'see' your new actions. I believe very strongly that we communicate to them with our behavior . . . less words.

I am trying to show him that I respect myself and that I am taking care of myself in a strong, positive, friendly, and joyful way. It is difficult for me to stay consistent with it. I realized that I miss his emotional support.

I'd like him to see that I'm not available for him. I have my life with my friends, and I have my interests. My goal is for him to initiate contact with me . . . so I can show him all of this. I am still working on me.

keep me posted on your ideas and progress!

Thanks,

Dear JoJo,
I get the sense that you have made a new commitment toward taking care of yourself as you go dark. The progress for yourself is very good to note!

In regards your question about M and asking her to not talk about A with you. Along with changing the subject, you could and may already choose to avoid responding to A talk or getting off the phone when A talk comes. These are subtle ways to avoid this. How would M respond if you told her you would prefer not to talk about A anymore? Take that hypothetical converstation with me a few steps, OK?

You've got two goals from my understanding (OK, you have a LOT more, but we're only focusing on two right now!): 1) Using dark time to take care and invest in yourself, 2) Hoping the dark time helps A initiate contact. Would being clear or confrontive M help these goals? What do you think?

AND..I have to believe that if you are busier in your life and obsessing less that has got to be good for you and for your R with A!

HUGS!