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I have been on/off this site over the past year since my w dropped the bomb 12/31/07.

2008 was miserable year of ups/downs until she moved out of the house in mid October.

Things were awful once she left. She immediately started living lifestyle very much resembling MLC although not sure if she has seen/accepted ownership of that. I was very angry with her and having a tough time keeping that in check. She was distracting herself with a party lifestyle and chasing after a handful of different men - which only further upset me because I thought she was leaving so she could 'find herself' and go on her spiritual/enlightenment path and that she had no interest in sex or relationships. Her actions, especially in regards to her new 'friends' seems to contradict that.

Anyhow things continued on the downward spiral and divorce was virtually assured.

On Monday, we had a phone conversation about child custody which spiraled into an intense argument. Actually, she was furious with me because I told her I wanted the title of custodial parent. She screamed, yelled, cried, hung up on me several times...I would call her back, ask her to calm down, try to rationalize with her, etc.

....then something weird happened. The conversation morphed - she wanted to visit me and talk. I told her I didnt think it was a good idea considering the heat of emotion during the phone call. But after a few minutes, I invited her over to the home to spend time with me and our son and watch a movie - peace offering. I did NOT want any kind of arguing, just to relax and enjoy our son together..which she agreed.

Well one thing led to another...

she collapsed in tears begging my forgiveness. That she is 'crazy' and doesnt know what the hell she is doing, and cannot believe what she has already done. She told me she loved me, she missed me, needed the space to clarify her vision...she expressed herself in tears and in passion. We spent the next 48ish hours together - very physical - hugs, kisses and more. This whole time peppered with sweet words and tears. This continues today with both flirty and sweet messages - wants to spend time together again this Friday.

and I feel like I have been hit by a bus. I dont know what to think. I thought I would be thrilled at this turn of events. It was something I once hoped for (lived for!!), but gave up hoping.

I had worked so hard in learning to let go, I felt I have come a long way in mending my broken heart. I began to get genuinely excited about my new life without her, and started to daydream about who I might eventually meet someday. The phone call I had with her, I fully had it in mind that we would file for D within the next 2 weeks and that was the subject of the conversation until something unexplainable happened.


And now she is...well...baffling me (to say the least).

Why is she doing this to me?!?! I mean, I was really (REALLY) getting over her and seeing the light instead of wallowing in broken hearted misery. I was free!!

And now all the sudden, she wants to start dating again with the intention of a full blown reconciliation. She even mentioned marriage counseling and sent me a link to someone she has in mind. And its a counselor I think I could be comfortable with.

Again - feel like I got hit by a bus. I am thrilled, scared, angry, confused, and thrilled. My 4 year old son seemed like he could not believe his eyes to see his mommy/daddy cuddling and affectionate. He wanted in on the action with group hugs and sitting between us, etc. I dont want to confuse him either, he has been adjusting to the change surprisingly well and would hate to ruin that in the event this is all a weird fluke on her behalf and she changes her mind yet again.


Any insight would be appreciated. I really dont know what to do/say/act. But I did make sure she understood that I cannot just flick a switch and we are 'back together'. I have a lot of hurt and anger and other feelings that need to be sorted out 1st and I have no idea how long that might take.

She said we had nothing but time....

that may be the case, but do I have the desire to invest that time...after everything thats already happened? :-(

So am I just supposed to be happy? I mean, I thought I would be...and of course a part of me is very happy!

But then, she has wanted to work things out before only to turn around and say "Never mind, I am out" and I start from square one trying to get over her.

This time, I cant help but be skeptical. Why is she picking now of all times to attempt a comeback? Did she have a bad date who made me look good? Has she simply realized that her decision makes life tough on her financially and she is giving up on her freedom in exchange for more security? Could she possibly be genuine? According to phone records, she was actively calling other men the day before she came for her now infamous visit so it doesnt seem like reconciling was on her mind the day before she cried her eyes out to me.

And yes, I can admit that I rather happily played along with her affections and sweetness - I am human after all and love her dearly, how could I resist her?

But with a little space & time, I feel like a class A sucker/doormat/pushover for accepting her. Its not a good feeling and makes me that much more upset at the situation.

A part of me just wants to move on with my new life. Her behavior since she moved out really turned me off of her. I dont want a 37 year old party girl who chases random men - sorry, not interested. Thats not the woman I fell for, I was shocked and disgusted with her.

In the same light, I loved no one like I have loved her. She was the absolute center of my universe and there was nothing I wouldnt do for her.

But she went well out of her way to convince me that I was the wrong person for her and that she did not love me, was not attracted to me, did not want to share her life with me, was a mistake to get married in the 1st place....

and it was a painful pill to swallow. but I swallowed it, and just barely started to truly be over it

and here she comes again......

WTF?

I mean - really - WTF?

My wife said the exactly same things when she first dropped the bomb. In fact, if you look at the majority of posters here, their spouses said the same thing. They really do make it seem like we made their lives terrible and that they never had any feelings for us EVER!

I definitely understand your frustration. The only thing I can suggest is to be cautious. If you want things to work out in the end, then encourage her but don't be too overzealous about it. That would probably scare her away and put too much expectations from you.

In my situation, my W has been much friendlier and has actually come home but still says we're "separated". So I see her as having temporary brain damage or being replaced by a pod person.

I think we both feel that after the crud that our Ws put us through, we want them to feel bad or remorseful, but that just isn't going to happen. Find the strength that you've accumulated during all this and let her see that she needs to deserve you and not the other way around.

I really can relate to your sitch. my wife told me she needed space and time. On the day she moved out I went out of town rather than to jail. She took everything that she could'nt fit in her duplex and left me with little. I basically left her alone the fist couple of weeks and once I found out she was on party patrol I flipped. We have 3 kids together and she has been married 2 times before and had a child with each husband including me. I am have been in her 2 kids lives for 10 years. The oldest has adhd and we have butted heads for sure but she is going out wed thru sunday and leaving them with a 15 year old who basically has the social skills of a 10 year old. I hate having my son there why she is out partying it up all the time. I don't have many friends around here anymore but I was fine with that because I had my wife and kids to keep me more than busy. She took all of that away from me. I have been trying to db but alway seam to screw it up. I keep waiting for my wife to break down like yours did. She knows that she is screwing up but is so self centered and selfish that she doesn't care who she hurts as long as she is happy. Sound familiar? I am glad you hear about you sitch. take it slow and going to a couns. is a must in my book. I would definately keep working on yourself but I wish I was in your sitch. My wife is in hate mode right now and is determined to convince me to give up! good luck and keep in touch........sounds like we have the same type of wives.

Hi Energy,

Wow, I have been dreaming of what just happened to you for months. I can't imagne the emotions you are experiencing. I have a question for you> Did you disengage yourself from your wife? From Sep until now did you initiate contact, did she, did you respomd? Any R talk. I went back and read your post. Your WAW sounds just like mine.

Thanks, and good luck!!!!!

Hey guys

Thanks for taking the time to reply! It means alot, and as much as I hate to understand other people are in similar shoes, its also beneficial to realize we arent alone and our problems arent so unique (aka insurmountable) after all.


"If you want things to work out in the end, then encourage her but don't be too overzealous about it. That would probably scare her away and put too much expectations from you." - stuck808

Since Monday, we have both frequently peppered our optimistic comments with little disclaimers about realizing how delicate our current sitch is and have agreed to keep heavy R talk only with a counselor. We realize we have some pretty deep problems we need to iron out and that we have been unable to do that ourselves, so there has been effort to keep things fun and light.

The amazing thing is - she is driving. I cant believe what I am seeing, but I am certainly receptive!

But I am also very skeptical because this change was so abrupt. Monday morning we are arguing and she is constantly hanging up on me, Monday afternoon she is at the house being affectionate, seductive, playful, and tearfully sweet and remorseful which ultimately became some of the best time we have shared together in years!

We are both perplexed at how she seemed to turn around at the flick of a switch, in mid-argument no less.

It seems a tad irrational to me so I cant help but wonder if its just an illusion. Needless to say, I am very paranoid about doing/saying the wrong thing that bursts the bubble.




"I really can relate to your sitch. my wife told me she needed space and time." -notgivinup


She suggested the very same. And yes, her self centeredness was unbelievable! Total 'damn the consequences, its all about me' attitude.

And I also waited for this turn around. And waited. And waited. And got my hopes up, and got them torn down. Then waited some more.

Finally, I said "Forget it! I am a great man with a lot to offer a great woman and I am not getting any younger - its time to LIVE!"

And maybe (I think) on a subconcious level - she realized that I wasnt sitting on a shelf at her disposal any more - and the intensity of our argument over child custody drove that fact home - and maybe, just maybe - she felt afraid she was really going to lose me. And perhaps that feeling was completely unexpected considering she is the one who wants to leave in the first place? And maybe her life flashed before her eyes and she said "TIME OUT!"

And for the first time since the bomb dropped - I feel like I am in control of how my relationship will unfold. I can take it, or I can leave it and I know I will be happy either way.

cz946: if there is anything you could take from this, I would say be prepared to have conflicting feelings if your dream were to come true. I finally came to grips with the end of our relationship and felt optimistic and happy without her. Major progress! Now I am back to being an insecure wretch consumed with the state of my marriage. And I have to admit I feel a little irratated about that.

When she 1st left, she couldnt leave me alone. She called me as often as she always did. Was constantly up my ass about what I was doing with my son during his time with me...naps, feeding, how much TV. I had to tell her to mellow out and to get used to life without keeping me under her intense critical magnifying glass.

Every time we spoke or saw each other, it was hostile. Or at least cold and indifferent. We would paint happy face for our son's sake if he was around, but that was it. It was not pleasant at all.

R talk, yes.....the blame game, big time. Not pretty.

Got so bad, we both realized that for the sake of our son, we needed to figure out a way to simply be civil with one another.

I had my son on Christmas eve, and since I had to work Christmas day she asked if she could come over to watch him open presents. Of course she could! It was awkward. Awkward is good, awkward was progress.

Due to daycare conflict, she found herself with a logistic need to stay at our house New Years Eve. (anniversary of the bomb). I brace for impact, but its not even awkward. Its OK. We are civil, but we work at it. Still, we both seem to be bracing for the enevitable conflict that never came.

From that point forward, we are civil - but on guard.

Then I decide it might be safe to bring up the topic of our pending D and how it was time to start getting those wheels rolling - spirals into a huge argument.

Few hours later, she is at the house with her heart on her sleeve.



I really cant explain it. Just stop being available. Stop letting her know you are sitting on a shelf for her and willing to do so forever. Maybe she will snap, maybe she wont. Its up to you to be OK with either outcome.

I would be over-the-moon is my h wanted to reconcile but I think I understand your feelings.

You are in a good position knowing that you could live without her. You got to the point where you wanted her but did not need her. My only suggestion is try not to lose that. Holding on to that will help you and the m.

I don't have any experience with recon but I realize from reading other people's posts that it is a critical time.

Is the counsellor suggested by your w pro-marriage. I'm understanding from reading this board that that is important. You can always interview a c by phone before going for a session.

I think your idea of having fun with each other and saving the heavy R talks for counselling is a good one. When I allow myself to imagine a recon with my h, that is one of the things I think about. If you're successful, there will be lots of time to have those talks; creating good memories and positive connection are important now.

Had a nice long phone call with wife last night.

I have not agreed to reconciliation at this point. I told her I was skeptical of her and would like to see us string together several good experiences together in a row before committing to counseling and all the work needed to truly reconcile.

She agreed that taking things slowly was not a bad idea and voiced her commitment to doing whatever it takes to help rebuild my trust and faith in her. She has gone back and forth in the past, but she never said that before!

I am not sure if the counselor is 'pro-marriage' or not. More important to me is that our counselor relates to us on a spiritual level - and based off what I saw of her website, I think I could be comfortable with her suggested counselor.

Once we can prove to ourselves that we can keep the happy lovey ball consistently rolling for a month or two, we will begin the counseling sessions.

Until then, its all about having fun together and enjoying our company. Its been so long since we could just hang out and smile so that is our priority at the moment. Keep it simple.

We identified three things we did during our recent time together that seemed to make all the difference in the world, so we decided to consider them our 'rules of engagement'.

1.) No talking about the past unless its pleasant memories.

2.) No talking about divorce.

3.) No criticism, be courteous and respectful to one another.


Otherwise anything goes!

Did she have any relationships with other men that you are aware of? I think my wife has but I am not sure. She denies it and claims they are just friends. She is always hanging around her friends and keeps on the run so she doens't have to think about what she is doing. I tend to mess up that the times that she is with her own thoughts because she always contacts me about something random about our son and it puts me in a frenzy. Glad to hear about your sitch. great steps to avoid conflict too.