Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE need help, sex or no sex??

Mystia,

Read your sitch, and wanted to say a word or two. RE:the deployment. I'm thinking that the divorce should NOT be rushed at all and you would be wayyyy better off slowing that thing down.

You are correct that the EA won't last/wait the way a wife and family would. It will give him time to reflect and he'll hear other soldiers saying stuff about their wives and gf's and some of the GF's will be moving along and cheating...but very few wives will.

I think if you are as loving as you can handle, (meaning don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable or cheap) and you write supportive letters to him, without pressure, you'll benefit with time.

As for ML, many of us face this issue. A spouse has walked away (WAS) and the spouse left behind doesn't want to have their boundaries crossed and that makes sense. Plus, the idea that WASs are getting to eat their cake and eat it too, and or the respect issue, etc.

OTOH, there is the fact that for whatever reason, intimacy was an issue in your M and you own at least part of it. So how do you show him that the M would be different, if you don't "show it"? That's the dilemma. Plus you want to contrast the negative images he is using to justify his actions, with positive images that you create for him BEFORE HE LEAVES. Don't fuel his marital revisions.

Can you do this thing for the next 5 weeks? Be as loving and as physically expressive and do as many 180's as possible for that amount of time? Stall the divorce ('what's the rush?") and do the 180's to counter the negatives he is trying to come up with, with your new approach. Then continue this behavior in written form, the positives and the GAL issues where you present yourself as interesting and busy (not too busy for him of course) and essentially you become "a woman only a fool would leave." Show him his data isn't real.

I faced similar issues in our M (but not b/c sex was the issue. However since h lived away from home w/o my consent, it raised the same issue) and so I thought, "why on earth would I sleep with him and let him also act like a single man?"

At one point I thought the same things you are thinking and wondered. But I had a DB coach (I highly recommend you get at least one session before he goes) and she said some of the things I'm saying here. "Contrast the warmth/laughter, love and fun of home w/ the place H is" and I think the same could apply to your sitch.

Very few men go back to women b/c of the great sex they never had. So, you need to show your h that you are letting go of the past, whatever that means, and are not going to be angry at him forever. I KNOW you are "Right to be mad" I get that. But ask yourself, do you want to be right, or happy? Has the anger at your h gotten you anywhere?

At some point, you'll have to let go of the anger or two things will happen: 1) your m will suffer and likely fail, and 2) you will be consumed by the anger.
You lose on both counts. When my h would purposely work late, (for "glory" or for money or pleasing his boss, etc) I'd "greet" him when he got home, with my arms crossed and heart closed. I thought if I were to be "nice" to him then, he'd do it even more and I'd really lose and he'd take me for granted, etc. The thing is, my approach was punitive. AND it didn't work!! And I still did it for years, b/c I felt I was "right". And the really idiotic thing is, even if I was "right" to be upset at h, what did it get me? Why did I repeat the same failing approach to changing our m? Why didn't I greet him warmly with the kids happy to see him and with a nice dinner ready and really make him happy to be home? Why didn't I see that making the home welcoming was far more likely to get him there, than being pissed for his absence was? B/C I was focussed on being "right and justified". NOT HAPPY or successful. And that can lead to the "LBS"ers trying to force the departing spouses to see the consequences of their choices, but as my DB coach said, "It's not the LBSers' job to show them the consequences of their choices, Life will do that for them ". When we talk of showing them that we are "right", we are often being punitive. Is that our job as a wife? No, it isn't. So, see if you can figure out an approach that works for you and your family.

Hope this helps. Good luck,
(( j ))

This is brilliant and so true.
Well put J.

"Very few men go back to women b/c of the great sex they never had. So, you need to show your h that you are letting go of the past, whatever that means, and are not going to be angry at him forever. I KNOW you are "Right to be mad" I get that. But ask yourself, do you want to be right, or happy? Has the anger at your h gotten you anywhere? "

Very insightful and true IMO.

This is where I feel I am in my marriage. Sex has been cut off until I "act right" and see things / do things her way. She hasn't specifically said it that way but IMO it is what the situation actually is. There has been no cheating that I am aware of. For some reason she seems to think sex with her is such a strong influence on me or I desire it with her so much that withholding it will get her what she wants. She's wrong. I don't think I want a relationship where sex is used as a manipulative tool. Yes - I want to have sex with her but.... it can be replaced with someone else.

I'm close to leaving.

SH,

what have you actually told her? Make it about expressing love and intimacy and not sex, if you can. Make sense?
j-

yes it can be replaced by anyone else , b/c what you are longing for is INTIMACY.
It has nothing really to do with sex.

My H and I found out the hard way.
Toys, lingerie, positons, intensity...

NONE of it matters w/o connection and caring.
He tried to explain it to me so many ways,
and all I could hear was?


YOU SUCK IN BED Ava!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
??????????
WTF???????

and defend myself.

It has been almost 3 years since I BUSTED MY DIVORCE.
And I am just finally getting it....

God bless you for trying.

Ava

sh,
why is she upset at you? What does she say she needs from you, or her lifestyle (like not working so many hours, or maybe you have little babies, etc. and she isn't sleeping through the night, etc.)? What can you do to help with any of that?

Also, please NEVER tell her you'll go elsewhere for it if you want your w to feel sexual. One thing my brother, (an otherwise good guy) did that plagued his m was this: he'd say he wanted more sex and warmth from his w and she'd say she wanted to feel secure in the m. I do identify with her as no woman feels sexy if she doesn't feel safe with her partner. Safe to let go, to be vulnerable, etc. So if my brother could have FIRST fully commited to the m, (which he should have done, for God's sake) I think she'd have felt safer and more affectionate and sexual. But he didn't, and so she didn't, and neither would move first, until the other did. They each went to mc to "get the other to see my point" meaning they went to marriage counselling to get the other one to change. Of course it failed. So they divorced after 3 daughters and 11 years...

I would never feel in the mood if my h threatened me. OMG, it'd be the opposite. Talk about manipulation...or extortion.

But I assume you have not said such a thing though.

So, how do you express your wants and needs and how can you come up with an approach that works? Remember, this is not about being "right", it is about being happy. This is solution based therapy, not blame assigning. So you have to drop your anger too, which I hear loud and clear in your post. The idea that you'd threaten adultery isn't exactly a loving approach even in you only said it here. I have to wonder if she senses it and feels manipulated or threatened. Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman? It's very very helpful in this arena especially. See what your wife needs, and not just what you need, for her to feel safe enough to be fully open to you. Don't think I condone a SSM b/c I don't. But there are usually (not always) reasons on the man's side of things, that account for a lot of the wife's feelings...so you have to make sure you've covered your bases with yourself. When you say you do not believe there has been cheating, but that you could, what is the purpose of saying that? What's the goal?
If it's saving your m, I strongly suggest a new approach.
Make sense?
j-

well, have you tried anything new? A 180' or GAL? How's it going? Have I scared you off? Why?...oops.
j-

I'm here - I only look here every few days and not on weekends.

I don't want to highjack this thread so will make this semi brief. I have a thread or two here if you want to look them up.

You did hit one area on the head - my wife says she is not and never has been secure in our marriage. I am continuing to try to remedy that but am close to feeling that can't be accomplished. I have not read the 5 love languages but have read a fair amount of other stuff. I have not and will not cheat on my wife. I have not threatened to or ever even eluded to it. However, things will change in our relationship soon especially sexually or it will be ending. Yes she's told me the reason we hardly ever have sex is my fault - and she has a list. I feel like I've done a lot of comprimising and made significant effort to meet her wants and needs but it doesn't seem to matter. She's very stubborn and very determined to hold on to her grudges and unhappiness with me. I can't make her secure in our marriage if she won't give me a chance to. I've grown tired and weary of what I feel is 80% effort by me and 20% (at most) by her. If a 180 means (I am pretty sure I understand the 180 concept) putting less effort into the marriage then yes, I've started it. We are independent people so a 180 would be to be more close relationship type stuff wise and she's made it clear she doesn't want that - she likes and wants a more seperate type relationship/marriage. I'm OK with that. Neither of us is the smothering take care of each other type. Home chores/help isn't an issue - I do more than my share and she acknowledges that.

P.S. - my wife has never been a "make love" person with me and actually disses and laughs about "making love" - it's sex. She's very "un" romantic.

Just noting that the term "180" us unfamiliar to you so maybe you should first read the Divorce Busting book(s). So, that puts you at a disadvantage since the DB approach is very different than most marriage counselling approaches. IT is not about why you got here (except as it helps you to solve the problems) but what you can do from now forward. A 180' is a different tactic or behavior than you've tried before. SO if you have been pursuing, maybe backing off is a good idea. But I'd urge you to read the book since it has a section on sex starved marriages and you need to read it. Seriously.
You also say two things that struck me. First, that your w has never called it making love so why is that her attitude? Does she enjoy it with you? Does she feel you are sensitive to her in bed? If not, why not?

ALso if she has always been this way, which you imply by saying she is "not romantic", then what made you think she'd change? In other words, you knew this before...so...what's up with your expectations of change?
And of course, the statement about grudges, begs the question why is she "holding onto grudges"? I mean, she has some anger and refuses to let go of something but you are vague as to what that is. I get that you didn't cheat b/c you state that part clearly, but women can be hurt by other things as well, like choosing work over family, spending money without her input, making her feel insecure, etc.

And last but not least, when you said she has never[color:#990000][/color] felt secure in the M, WOW...why would she say that? What part of this do you own?
The more you "own" of the problem, the more hope there b/c you actually control what you do, so maybe you can make some changes in you...


Can't say a lot without more info. I couldn't find your thread, so sorry for the hijack
j-

mystia,

just checking in with you and wanted to apologize for the hijacking I partook of last time. Got off on a tangent and realized later, "hey, where the hell is Mystia? Oh yeah, this is HER thread"

So, sorry about that. And I hope you are holding up alright.
( j )