Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Feeling...empty. # 53

Hey Special K..

Take care of you.. the rest will follow.

Thanks for the hugs, support and being so special.

Now I'm off to court, to take care of me.. and let the rest follow.

*hugshugshugs*

PS.. Man am I pissed... have to watch out for that!

Hey K..
Wow, well done for being so honest. It seems like its just inevitable? Its like you're been on this big process of realisation.. your H doesnt really give you much, not like an equal partner. He is wedded to his job(s), he has his priorities all wrong. Its not about career, ambition, money.. that stuff has its place, but not to the extreme position he places it, so that all other areas of his life suffer or are seemingly less important.

Perhaps if he had made the effort to finish on time and come over to the house..or take a Friday off now and then..? or better still, resign one of the damn stupid jobs! Or just make his presence felt in other ways (flowers, texts, letters, phonecalls) even if he cant be with you much at the moment. There is no room left for a life together, or even wake up together !!! 4 (5?) months after he said he wanted to reconcile, he still goes home to his bachelor apartment and hasnt really expressed any complaints/sadness about that.

What I am saying is.. I dont blame you for feeling so discouraged. Theres nothing worse than being lonely within a relationship, feeling stuck, condemned to a love that is limited.

I wonder what effect it would have on him if you said you wanted a break from him, from trying to reconcile, or even, if you said you wanted a D (not suggesting you say that!)? I wonder if he would 'wake up' and actually realise he is alive and step into reality..? That he has a beautiful wife and adorable kids that are growing older and getting used to him not being there, as he is too busy bolstering his professional status..and not focusing on dreams and just having some fun/romance and being happy?

You talked about stuff in your M that involved you bending to his demands/whims, making allowances, etc..remember when I looked at your chart before Christmas and saw that you had had Pluto going through your 7th house of 1:1 R's and M partners, for the past 12 years?...and then it moved out of Sagitarius and out of your 7th house for ever.. so, that Pluto "purging" of your 7th house issues is done, over. You've learnt your hard Pluto lessons, that phase of your 'evolving' is done now. I just thought that was interesting. Pluto is about growth through pain, transformation on a deep psychological level, death and rebirth, the symbolism of a Pluto transit, is the phoenix rising from the ashes.

So...will this be a new M being reborn on the ashes of the old, or your desire and ability to 'relate' to others, as signified by the 7th house, being reborn anew??? We will see!

(sorry to get all nerdy here, but I can never resist a bit of "astrology in action" !)
Al xxxxx

K,

I'm hard pressed to say anything given you are hurting and depressed. I can tell you once again how wonderful and well loved you are but you already know that many times over.

For some reason I resonate with a lot of what John posts to you. Maybe because I've been thru' the "Valley of Death" all the way to the "Top of the Hill" and have seen the other side. At any rate his thoughts on you are mine exactly:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=9#Post1694612

As usual I racked my brain to make sense of FG's post. What stood out is:
"You could be dreaming of "situations". But.. what does Marriage mean? The mods will tell you.. make it work. True Giving."
For me this translates to "commitment" or "unconditional love" or "loving H for who he is now". That's your starting point, not the "house on the hill". And H needs to sense this to turn around and follow you, the leader. My W often dreamed and desired this way too - guaranteed misery. Better to face reality (what you have now) and work up from there to the "House on the Hill" one step at a time. There are no short cuts.

Its good you posted exactly how you felt. Does H know this? There's a lot in there that stands out. I believe you have the early warning symptoms of a WAW - the complaining, depression, ... Unless you are complaining about H to wise counsel its a "slippery slope" and self-fulfilling prophecy - guaranteed to produce more strife and a hardening of the heart. Don't get me wrong, I still think you are a wonderful, beautiful woman and you are so human too.

Your H needs to feel "trusted" and "respected" in order to fill his "love bucket". When it fills up you will feel the love. The sunshine is there somewhere. When the Earth revolves and rotates some more and the clouds pass we will surely see it.

All that you say makes total sense. I don't believe the "maybe he wants to be there for you but can't" philosopy. If someone wants something bad enough, they do it....no matter how much of a stretch it is for them. He doesn't want it enough to put effort forth. If you were some new woman he wanted to woo, you can bet he would figure out how to spend time with her, give her gifts she appreciates and touch her. It is not, as we say, rocket science!

K I am thinking of you a lot today. My first impression after reading today's post from you is that you need to just let it be over. That you are bringing yourself down in order to meet him at his level.

But FB made some good points to about how you have to take them where they are now before you can go forward with your husband. So maybe I should think on that.

Have you ever asked your husband, point blank, What are you trying to do to rebuild our marriage? I would be curious his answer. Because all the time I thought I was doing everything and my husband was doing nothing. When I asked him about it, he actually thought he was doing some things to help, although he admitted it was not enough. Like he thought that just sleeping in the same house with me was a gesture since he had previously lived out of the house....and in your case your H has only slept over a couple of times, right?

I just wonder what he thinks he is doing to help get things back on track. That is why I was curious to see if he would write a letter back to you.

Sorry I am not helpful at all I am not sure what to say at this point.....I just want for you to feel like YOU again. I empathize on the weight gain thing, I am back to running b/c since my H came back in July, I have gained 15 pounds!

Thinking of you and wishing I had the words...

Well, I can only express how I feel. I dont know how he feels. He is supposed to write me back. He hasnt yet. Today's phone call was clinging (sp) from his side. I asked how he is and didnt stop any discussion but I didnt start any either. It was a sad convo between two people that loved each other very much once and can hardly talk to each other now. I think he feels I am giving up. He mentioned something about taking the kids to his house tomorrow?!! He is welcome to. I am not going to ask for his company. We havent seen each other since last Sunday.

I sent a TM saying "I am sorry things are like this". His answer "what things?". I said something about him being sick/ill and tired.

For those people trying to help me out by asking me to look at other ways to approach this like FG, maybe Fb2, although "John's post" was a "walk away its not working post", maybe sandy and the rest, can you please name 10 things, little ones, that he has done and I have mentioned here over the last 3 months showing how much he loves and needs me? And then can you tell me if these 10 things should be enough to keep me going?

My C couldnt do it today. I really need help before I walk. Because that is my plan now Fb2, not early signs, I am ready to pack and go...

What I meant how Mariage is and "unreal situations", for me M has been "being alone, loving a man desperately, being in love with him, begging for affection, words, time, sex, sharing lifer in general and at the same time being grateful that he was a good father the 16 hours per week he saw the kids, never tried to reduce my "freedom", respected me and treated my parents well. For years I was made to believe I am selfish to want more since he couldnt give more. Well, is that normal? What is? How other's balance work? Am I fooling myself that in a marriage both can be happy? What do I get wrong? Am I really so selfish and miss his sacrifice?
K

K,

<< Well, I can only express how I feel. I dont know how he feels.
Why not ask him and listen carefully. Isn't that what "leadership" is about?

<< ... "John's post" was a "walk away its not working post", ..
From my perspective the 2nd part is correct. The first is up to you.

<< My C couldnt do it today. I really need help before I walk. Because that is my plan now Fb2, not early signs, I am ready to pack and go...
Don't lean too much on the C; most of them are more interested in telling you what you want to hear and then collecting their fee; many of them are cuckoo which is why they got into the field in the first place. If you pack up where will you go?

"I don't believe the "maybe he wants to be there for you but can't" philosopy."

Why not? It takes a lot of thought and effort to walk away.. it has to. You simply don't wake up and go.. f this.. even though that is the way it seems to us LBS. It is a problem that has started and remained for a long time. This issue is still there.. it was never resolved.. never approached. People want things all the time.. and spin their wheels trying to figure out how to implement it. LBS are a prime example.. they generate a tremendous amount of "wrong" energy. Chasing, Crying, Begging. etc. While this seems the right thing to do.. we all now know it is counterproductive.. still that does not stop some of us from doing it for months.. or years.

"please name 10 things, little ones, that he has done and I have mentioned here over the last 3 months showing how much he loves and needs me?"

There are some.. is there 10.. maybe. That is not the point. The point is.. you can't see it.. maybe because you are looking for too much.. too soon.

"And then can you tell me if these 10 things should be enough to keep me going?"

You have too keep yourself going.. again.. his actions should compliment that.. or his words. But again.. you can't just jump back in where you two left off and expect it to work. We end up here if you do.

"My C couldnt do it today. I really need help before I walk. Because that is my plan now Fb2, not early signs, I am ready to pack and go... "

Where exactly are you going? Last I heard even if we "go" you still have 1 year before you are "free".

"For years I was made to believe I am selfish to want more since he couldn't give more."

You were not selfish. And he could give more. Again.. you have to really look at why he thought you were selfish.. and why he was not willing to give more. If someone teaches you how to do something.. they are usually gonna start with the "easy" way. Usually the "easy" way.. is long and tedious. But you have to have the basics in place. Once you do.. hopefully they show you the "fast" way.. or the more productive way. Most of us get stuck just using the "easy" way.. cause it is comfortable.. and "easy". We never want to be more "productive". Or no one ever shows us.. they just get mad we are doing it the "easy" way.

"Am I really so selfish and miss his sacrifice?"

I don't think you are missing his sacrifice.. it just does not mean the same things to both of you. You want X.. he does Y.. because he did not hit the mark.. it seems like he is doing something wrong.

"If you were some new woman he wanted to woo, you can bet he would figure out how to spend time with her, give her gifts she appreciates and touch her."

Maybe. Or the new woman.. may just be woo'd by what he was giving.

All this has to do with the perspective of the person you are looking at.

Yes he should do more... But.. maybe in his mind he is doing "everything".

Kalni can't see him trying... But.. he is giving it his all to no avail.

Kalni has no time with him... But.. to give her more time he loses some of his "financial security".

<< Kalni has no time with him... But.. to give her more time he loses some of his "financial security".
He may also be using this as an emotional defense mechanism.

<< Maybe. Or the new woman.. may just be woo'd by what he was giving.
Find out from him what he's giving by listening to his buried feelings, not what you expect and not getting. To get the right answer you have to do it lovingly not bitterly/complainingly. Isn't that what's the "wo" in "woman" means? You are a "woman" and a "leader"!

And he still doesnt feel it needs to be aproached. He wants it under the carpet. It's something he said knows is wrong but cant change it obviously.

the number was just a number the next question was my point, should it be enough and I am wrong to think it isnt?

Too soon? Who says it is too soon COry? You, me, him, my kids? WHO? When/how will I know it isnt early to quit?

That's what I said privately to you. I have nothing to hold on to anymore, I cant keep myself going. It's lonely out there. HE wants us to go back where we were. I refuse to. I will simply NOT go back, not even as a start. It has to be MUCH better to start with.

He already says I want a lot. He once said, "this is me, if you want more, you have a decision to make". To me that shows he still has issues with being right and stuborn. He refuses to look inside and change. He wants me to accept him probably because "I love him", like his mom did. I am not his mom. Told him that. In the past, that is how our separate lives started. He "pushed" me to live as much as I could with the kids, alone, "since he was not the type to go out, drive in traffic, liked theater, had games, work,ect etc" encouraged us and then we were too far appart. That's when the OW came in.

HE didnt miss the mark, he missed a year, then another 4 months, a country, 4 seasons, he is no where close to the mark...

Let him find one at 2 o clock in the morning. There is a street in Athens women are waiting for men at this time of the night. Maybe that is why he wants me. Thinks I am trained to live by very little, maybe the OW couldnt do it...

I know he thinks that. He told me. It's not enough for me, what do I do?

What is avail?

I am willing to lose him and "my security" to maybe be happy someday. He should be willing to lose his security to be happy with me.