Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Boiling water, toasting bread

Yeah, I agree with Jeff T. My Mum said to me a few days ago (and she hasnt read Passionate Marriage).. just be yourself, do whats in your heart... I had drafted a funny, chatty email, but it sounded pretty detached.. it sounded like something you would send to an old mate that you had no attachment to (if you see what I mean) and she said.. sure, send it, if thats what you feel like doing, at this stage just be you...

I think my wise old Mum's advice is sort of in line with Jeffs.. if you wanted to ask a good freind this career advice.. would you NOT, just becuase you are afraid of what they might think of you? Like their opinion of you overrides your ability to connect with them, but keep yourself you? I've only read part of the book, so I am probs making no sense.

I thikn you need to let go of the importance attached to every/any communication with him. Its great he included you in the mass mail out, shows you he cares and he is ok with you being in his life.. whether that will translate to a ressurection of romantic feelings is as yet unknown. And keep your eyes peeled for someone new, if only for fun! I flirted with a hot guy at Tang Soo Do and it did wonders for my self confidence !...

Al xxx

Hi T

This sounds like a bit of a crossroads - I'm not surprised it is a bit emotional for you, I would be surprised if you weren't feeling a bit daunted by it. I certainly would be.

So exciting about the Boston school news - creating an opportunity is good. I'm always about doing that I'm so pleased you played well in your master class and that it boosted your confidence. If you get a chance do email me some recordings of you playing. I would love to hear you.

T, I have so much confidence that you will work through your questions and grow. It seems it is what you are really good at from all your posts. You took the same opportunity to grow this time last year if I remember from your posts and look how amazingly you have done. It is so good that you realise that you have been in your own head too long and are taking positive action away from that. Sometimes we just need that time with ourselves but it is essential to realise when that time is over imo. Gym and yoga sound good. I am still loving my yoga - I try and go on a Friday night to lose my work stress.

You know, just because things went differently to planned last time you met B doesn't mean you have to go back to NC. Once you start getting used to emailing him it will get so much easier with practise. You could just send a chatty email about your plans and see what he comes up with, maybe don't ask directly as this may be pressure. You can chat about some stuff on re his website, remember that he always likes to hear from you and even asks your advice. He may be feeling as reticent as you.

Dear Julia,

Thank you so much for your thoughts, it means a lot to me! I didn't realize that you were doing yoga!!! How did I miss that?? I would love to do yoga with you! Friday night yoga is the BEST! Thank you for pointing out that I don't have to go back to NC and your suggestions. I had completely forgotten that he likes to hear from me and know my advice. Thank you for reminding me!!!

big hugs to you,
LOVE<
T

((((Lovely)))))

Are you still online? I started writing you a big post yesterday but lost it half way through.....but I wanted to say hello if you're still about.

Longer post to follow in a minute.....

L. xx

Dear ones,

So yesterday, a package came in the mail from B. It was the CD he had mentioned and a note. I thought it would just be a copy of a jam session with a friend of his or something, but it actually was a commercially available release, shrinkwrapped and everything, of a piece he performed (and recorded) sometime in 2008 for four classical musicians and four chinese musicians.

The note said:

1-26-09
Transformer,
Happy Chinese New Year! Finally, we have finished the year of the rat! Now onto another fresh start with the Year of the Ox...
Here is the CD I mentioned. I haven't listened to the whole thing, but I'm playing on the first four tracks. In other words, I'm not sure it is good, but it is interesting at the very least. The four chinese musicians said the composer was using very traditional material...
Anyway, hope you are well!
BXXX

Dunno what this means? I am not sure why he sent me this CD. ???? Maybe he is proud of it, but he also had other commercial releases he never even played for me when we were together? Maybe he was just cleaning off his desk and thought he could get rid of it by giving it to me? Maybe he thought I would be interested, because I have also collaborated with musicians using traditional material from other cultures? Maybe it is because after he told me about the project, I asked him a follow-up question about it in an email he never answered, so he thought I was really into it? ???? ???? ????????????

The note seems... cautiously friendly, kind of arms-length and sterile? But the written word, post-bomb, has not been is most expressive medium. I guess he is making some kind of effort?

I think I will respond the way I would if another friend sent me a gift--call them and thank him for it and tell him what I liked about it.

OR, I could call him, make small talk to lull him into a false sense of security, and then ask him "WHAT HIS MOTIVATION WAS" for sending the CD. [maniacal laughter] ["I am ... uncomfortable listening to this CD... the gut reaction I am having is... anxiety that we are going to have some sort of big serious conversation."]

While I was falling asleep last night, I realized this is the second time that he has reached out seemingly unprompted in a row. ???? Not sure if it counts as him initiating though because it was sort of an outgrowth of our last text exchange???

mystifiedly yours,
love,
transformer

I'm so glad you're making progress with thinking about careers and where to go. I know that wherever you end up you're going to be awesome!


Not sleeping well because of thinking about B?


I agree with the others- just be open and normal with him, as you would with a friend.


Why? Are you worried he might not respect you if you did so? IMHO it's entirely reasonable to be confused about what career route to take after graduating. You want to make a good decision, and that's a good thing, not anything to be worried about exposing B to! As to the abilities- I'm pretty sure you're brilliant. Believe in yourself and brilliance will follow


Are you really wondering WHY he wants you to know about the website, or am I misreading because of the way text comes over on the page? I'm just thinking here that B is being friendly and including you in what he's doing. It probably doesn't *mean* anything more than that as a hidden message in a group e-mail, if that makes sense? I don't think that's a bad thing. It's just a thing......


Hmmmm....... T, Lovely, would you not say that you're happy? What would happiness look like to you? How will you know when you ARE happy if you're not? Maybe we could write some happy goals (much more fun than any other type of goal.... )

I also wondered, are you still DBing? Is the plan still to reconcile with B? I'm not asking with an expectation of an answer one way or another. I was just wondering, and trying to think about how we can be solution based in getting there (which I think all the posts and advice are, BTW!)

L. xx

Hey Lovely,

Gosh- cross posting is a killer! Don't try to read any meaning into the e-mail/wording. Just respond naturally and as yu would with a friend, as you were thinking of doing. I'm not sure I like the R talk idea- would it move you closer to your goal?

L. xx

Dearest Lisa,

I am so, so, so, so, soooooo happy to see you again. My heart lept with joy when I saw that you had started a new thread!! And now to see you here on mine! HOORAY!! Thank you for the play-by-play response to my last post. I promise to write answers to your very good questions!

But first I want to clarify, I was being TOTALLY SARCASTIC about asking B "what his motivation was for sending me the CD". I was making a silly joke, referring to when he asked me over the phone in december "what my motivation was" for offering to meet him in Maine for lunch. I am sorry that I was confusing! I completely agree with you that it would NOT move me towards my goal!

more later--I have to practice & then go to one of my BFF's at school's cello recital--

LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE
T

When I read the email/ present post I just thought isn't that nice that he sent you a present that was related to the fact it was Chinese New Year. That showed he out thought into it and wasn't it nice that he also thought of you.

My feeling was.. he is a little bit proud of it.. he was perhaps showing off a little.. he knows you will 'get' what an achievement this is, as you understand the music world he works in and like you say, you have collaborated with traditional musicians before.. so its more of the same.. he seems to respect your opninion and knows you understand him.

Thats a good thing! Especially after that slightly awkward phone convo you had last month. And I got that you were being sarcastic! So.. yes, reply, leave it a little while (Monday?) and say it was great, thanks for sending it, blah blah... be warm, be enthusiastic! Why not, I bet he will be a bit puffed up by a pigeon by you liking it.

Glad he sent you a note and did he really put kisses on the end !?? And is that a new thing?

Al xxx