Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Newbie here seeking advice/hope...

Vicky, bless your heart. let me tell you that 2 days before thanksgiving, I found out H and OW had a son that turned 2 the very next week, 2 days after my birthday. so my h had been going back and forth for over 3 years. I also found out the S wasnt the first pregnancy, so that makes it not an accident.

I am trying to walk the same walk you are right now, and it hurts and its hard. I set boundaries with H about being alone with the OW. and she in turn has been evil and controling, and now wont let me around thier son. its a huge mess, but maybe we can learn to walk this road together!! there are a few of us here dealing with this same problem.

hang in there, you arent alone, and it hurts, I know!
Hugs

Vicky,

FWIW, heres my .02. First and foremost figure out what you want and what you are/are not willing to deal with.

The last thing you want to do is try and make H choose between you and his child, you should make this child a part of your life. If H does want to work it out with you then there would need to be a detailed outline of what is/isn't appropriate and a policy of complete transparency regarding his interractions with OW. As far as her keeping your from his S, that isn't her choice, it would be his. You would be in the best position here. You would have a child to love, nurture, support, etc... without the headaches attached. You don't have to be the bad guy or any of that, you can just be the fun person who loves him and has a great time with him...kinda like a really young grandparent.

Your story is heartbreaking and I feel for you, but you are going to have to sit down and take a good hard look at the situation and he brutally honest with yourself when you decide whether or not you can deal with this. This is something that I have had to do recently in my situation.

My C told me something about stress and reading your situation made me think of it.

Researchers were doing a study on stress. They got a frog and put it in a pot of cold water. The frog was swimming around and all was well. They turned on the heat and the water started to warm up, the frog was still swimming around and adjusted to the warmth. The researchers continued to turn up the heat on the frog and each time the frog adjusted to the temperature change. After a long while the water was boiling and the frog was dead. So they decided to get another frog, they took this frog and threw it into the boiling water and it hopped out. The point of this story you ask? We are like the first frog. We continue to adjust to the ever increasing stress without realizing the toll it is taking on us and those around us. A new person entering the situation or looking at it from the outside would be like the 2nd frog and hop out of the pot.

I put that in there because you may need to hop out of the pot for a while, regroup and decide what you want/need for you. I'm definately not saying to give up or anything like that, just give yourself a little time to regroup, heal and make some decisions.

Listen to the kind and knowledgeable people here, they are some of the finest people God has ever created.

Babygirl, thank you so much, I need all the help I can get and it would be great to be able to talk to people who are in the same position dealing with the same problems.

Sugar and spice, you analogy is so true. I really think I kept adjusting and adjusting and then it got to be too much. I think you are right that I need to use this separation as a break for myself so that I can see from the outside in.

Boy I can't wait to get to know all of you and look forward to supporting each other.

hey dont thank me, honey thank you for having the courage to walk a walk that few of us on these boards have, and coming here and sharing it with me, sugar and theres a wonderful woman named treese who posts on MLC.
it hurts, Sugar and i know it, but having her and Treese and others has gotten me to stil be here.
we can learn and share and walk and grow together!!

Hi everyone, I'm just moving everything to one thread. Now learning the ropes of the forum....

Seeking advice on how to deal with outside child
vickyd vickyd
Junior Member


Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 11 Hi Everyone,
Yesterday was my first time posting to the forum and got great advice. I hope to return such wonderful advice to other members of the forum.

So yesterday H and I talked and he mentioned that he does miss me and the home. But then he started to talk about a lot of stuff but then about how bad it makes him feel me calling hin son a bastard, and his son is innocent in all this. Yes, I did call him that and I know that its wrong but like I told H I said those things out of hurt. And right after that last night I saw that members told me that I need to change that and have LOTS to do with H's son. So it got me to thinking about my part in all this and what I need to change as well. I will admit that I have said some terrible things about H's son and I prayed about it last night b/c I realized that I have actually grown to hate the child (terrible to say but true) and it's really not his fault even though OW uses the child has her weapon. In my head I know its wrong of me but in my heart I do have a lot of resentment. I even told H last night that I do regret that he's here but I know he's here and he needs to be loved and cared for. Anyway, so now I'm thinking that some, not all, of the blame for where we are now is partly my fault too. Although H has no right being with OW and that has made things worst off for us. I think H wants to come back home and I want him back home to but we need to resolve how we will handle this and we both don't trust each other: I don't trust him to not go back to OW and he doesn't trust that he can have me and his son.

So my question is how should I proceed with this? I was thinking during this separation I need to begin to give H indications that I will not prevent him from having his son too if he comes back home. But then I still want H to learn to respect me and I don't want to make it too easy for him. B/c he has really done some real disrespectful and inconsiderate things in the name of his son.

Should I even be the one to give in or it is really up to H to let me know that he wants the marriage? I don't to give the impression that I'm the only one making compromises. Any suggestions would be great. I really appreciate it.

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#1679086 - Yesterday at 04:45 PM Re: Seeking advice on how to deal with outside child [Re: vickyd]
cat03 cat03
Member


Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 4148
Loc: East coast Hi, my first suggestion is to stay in one thread so people know where you are coming from.

If you truly are sure he wants to come back you need to look inside your heart and see if you truly can forgive him, for everything. Trust will need to be rebuilt brick by brick son or no son. If he is still being disrespectful in the name of his son then you need to ask yourself if this man is good to have back.

This comes from a person who's H came back with half@ss intentions, just because he was lonely, it was a disaster... for the M to work he has to come with 100% FULL intention to work hard on the M, or you two won't have a standing chance. Piecing is as hard as being separated, it is 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

Make a list of what you think is reasonable (visitation, financial support of his son) and ask yourself if you are willing to work with your H about those issues.
_________________________
All your expectations must be placed on God

M10yrs T13
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D in 09.
Moving forward, stumbling but moving forward

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#1679817 - 1 second ago Re: Seeking advice on how to deal with outside child [Re: cat03]
vickyd vickyd
Junior Member


Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 11 Hi Cat,
Thank you so much for the thread advice. I didn't know how the forum works so I will try to move everything over to the same thread. It actually makes sense and now I know why some threads have tons of postings.

Yeah, I actually don't think H is thinking about coming back home. I now think that he's using a lot of that stuff to guilt ME and to make it seem like I'm the bad guy here. I know I did not handle things textbook perfect but as I said to H, "what is the proper way for a woman to deal with her H running around town with another woman." Especially my H who was totally blatant. He would say that he doesn't have o hide anymore since everyone knows he has a son. Funny right?

But I think I will definitely have to hold off on making any promises since he really doesn't want to be back with me out of love. I think he just doesn't like his living situation.

HI Everyone,

Hope everyone is coping well with DB, I know it can be difficult. I had a really interesting and fun weekend with my H but as you all probably know, DB can be so unsettling so I's hoping to get other DBers thoughts on this.

So I implemented Michele's technique and I back off starting last week, went dark with no calling/no texting and low and behold, H was the one calling. On Friday, I even went out with my girlfriend and I turned my phone off. On Saturday he came by the house to get mail, haven't been there since Nov. So he was totally on the pursuit. He was wearing my college tee shirt and made sure he took off his sweater so I could see. I was going to have some girlfriends over so I had cook, and H ate twice, complimented the food saying that how this is what he's been missing and how it tastes especially good (yes, games on his part, I know). Anyway, my friends flaked out on me because of the weather and H instead stayed over and spent the evening with me. As usual, he was affectionate, and one thing lead to another and we made love twice - I know I'm a sucker. I tried really hard to keep my cool and H was saying how much he missed me and how he will never stop loving me, etc. etc. Even the end of the night reminded me why I do love him (which by the way, I kinda kinda was the first to end the night)... so as he was about to leave, the carbon monoxide detector on our second floor went off strangely. So H was so worried he took care of it completely. Opened all the windows and doors but it wouldn't stop so he called 911 and since it was snowing he picked up the rugs knowing that the fire dept will come in and mess the place up which I just hate. When they came he completely dealt with the fire dept. And then when they left, he kept asking if I wanted to sleep at my mother's place b/c he doesn't want anything to happen to me. He even mopped the place out from the mess they made and he even shovelled the snow outside before he left. So it actually was a fabulous night. I kept my cool, although I did end up telling him that I love him, I tried really hard not to but in passion, you know what I mean. He even called after he left but I was on the phone with a friend so I cut him off and then I went to sleep.

Anyway, my concern now is that I do think my H is a total cake eater. He's still with OW of course, so I am uncertain about whether I even should be having relations with him. Although, I did see that Michele says that its not necessarily a bad thing to do. Then, I think, no I KNOW, my H believes that I will always be there waiting for him whenever he's ready to come back home. I'm now definitely trying to GAL and not show signs of being needy or desperate, but he thinks we will always love each other... but that shouldn't mean that he can do whatever he wants and I will be there waiting. We've been together for 14+ years.

So last week was clear signs that no pursuing/chasing and limited contact is working so I want to continue doing so- I think its time H pursues me. But I was thinking this morning that it's time to pull the rug from under H. He thinks of me as old faithful and I don't like that image. And with all honesty I think its actually the image I've created for him since I'm always faithful and loving to him even when he doesn't deserve it. Now to be honest I don't want to date anyone else, I tried and I'm just not interested in them, so I was thinking that I should just create a male friend. Let H think that I have someone else there that I'm getting to know and whose interested in me. This would be a definite 180 for me who is always working to make the relationship work. I will not give the image that my "friend" and I are intimate just getting to know each other and someone who's interested in me. I think its time H gets some competition. What are your thoughts? Is this too dangerous? Is this just playing games?

Please share please.

Thanks so much.

vickyd-

As you said on my post we are definately a lot alike with the cake-eating H's.

As far as "creating" OP....it seems to spike an interest in my H when he thinks someone else is interested. Don't know your H so I am not sure if that would work for you.

But my H is stubborn and even though it may bother him, he NEVER comes out and says that it does. I don't think he would.

But it makes him open his eyes just a bit to seeing the possibility that there might be someone else who would want me and could take me away.

Hang in there, somehow we will manage to get through it all:)

HI Poohbear,

Yes, whenever there is someone else interested in me, my H gets really spiked up. But I've always been the fool trying to be good and playing the nice girl. So I think I will try this one for the long haul and not give in b/c I think my H needs a shake up. Its been too safe for him and I just don't like him thinking of me as always being available. When he first left home, he was not into the relationship. Was not calling, nada. And now I think his interest has been spiked again but I just hate the fact that he can just return just like that. And although I want my life back, it really doesn't settle right with me that he thinks he can just roll right back in. I feel really sure that if I don't give him a run for his moeny, he will do the same thing again. So I'm going to give this a try. I'm a bit nervous and go back and forth at times but then I remember what Michele says that the only mistake is to do more of the same that hasn't been working. So we'll see how this goes this weekend. I like the idea of "creating" other friend because although I am fairly attractive I am so not interested in other guys right now, and also my strong religious commitment would make me feel guilty, but there is no guilt for a imaginary friend right. I need H to compete for me darn it. And adding this to my limited contact, I'm hoping will work some magic. Will see.

I was afraid of "creating" a friend at first because I thought that my H would think I was no longer into wanting him or the M. At first he tried to give the "good for you" attitude but I could tell even then that it bothered him.

So although they pretend it doesn't matter, it does. To some extent. But you have to maintain the positiveness about it every time H sees you. Always give as little info as possible about your "friend". And believe me, he will inquire.

I struggle so much with the whole "letting him roll right back in" thing. That is the toughest part for me. It is hard not to let it happen.

Good luck with the "friend" and post how it goes.