Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Maybe I should be in piecing part 5?

I personnally would rock the boat by sitting her down and laying it all on the table. Living like roommates, shopping together going on generic trips/vacations etc etc aren't achieving much at least in the short term. Its seems that she gives H4U just enough cheese to keep him around i.e. little positives he views as progress. But what her longterm plan is....still remains a mystery. Is she a passenger or a hitchhiker?

Wow WDID. Lots to think about what you've said.

Yes, I am building this wall. I'm tired of putting myself out there and doing what I consider ALL the work. I've told her many times what I need and she refuses. It's just like after so many times of rejection, you kind of give up.

Do I believe she is trying? I guess, yes and no. She may be trying in her own way, but I just don't see not talking to me about any of this as trying. And I'm not even talking about her talking about the affair with me. Her refusal to read books, counsel or talk about the affair may work for HER, but what about me? It just seems as selfish as her affair. She took the easy way out by having the affair and now she wants to take the easy way out by just avoiding/ignoring it hoping it will all go away without regard to what it's done to me.

I've always complimented her. Always. I feel like she disregards my compliments because they're always there. It's almost like she takes them for granted.

I realize her work is emotional. I really do. But I'm just tired of waiting for her to figure it out. It's been almost 2 years since I noticed her getting a little to cozy for my comfort with OM. It's been 2 years of my life that I feel have been stolen. It's been almost 10 months since she told me she told OM she was going NC. Wouldn't you think after 10 months of NC you would at least be able to say to your H you want to TRY?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what happened the day she returned to work after our vacation in Oct. Something happened. We CONNECTED on the trip. And I'm not talking about the sex (although that was great). So we return home and still have that connection for the 3 days before she goes back to work and then she returns and I feel like we're back to square one. Either she got scared and contacted OM or she talked to EGF and told her about how I stepped in and "manned up" when the little punk was hitting on her and EGF convinced her that showed I was controlling because she should be able to talk to whoever she wants to. Of course this is all just speculation, but something happened when she returned to work and she's been distant since. She seems to be working her way back, but it's still like I'm just a friend that provides her a nice life financially and I should be happy that she's gracing my presence. There have been a number of times lately where it seems like she's doing things to attract me, but she never lets it go further (again, not talking about sex). It's like she gets off seeing if I get still desire her and then she doesn't go any further. Again, it's like she's getting what she needs and keeps me right where she wants me, but gives ME NOTHING. When I was in school guys had a name for girls like that. It starts with a c and ends in tease.

Ok, that last paragraph was just a vent. But it's how I feel. I don't know how to explain it. I guess it's like Bruce Springsteen says, "you end up like a dog that's been beat too much so you spend half your life just covering up". So yeah, I'm building this wall to protect myself. I just want to feel NORMAL. I haven't felt normal in almost 2 years. Do you know how weary you feel after having something this devastating in your every thought for almost 2 years?

Do I think she'll call me if I don't call her? Um...it would really surprise me. I hope I'm wrong, but I doubt it. It's just another example of me doing all the work.

I almost feel like it is when you first start dating someone and the guy has to do all the work, make all the calls, plan everything, all the while she gets to sit back and enjoy the pursuit. And the problem with that is, that I just feel like at this point, SHE should be the one pursuing, KWIM?

I appreciate the post WDID. I'll think about what you've said.

I do see Hope's wife trying. Any woman, who has done what she did, and came back to the marriage is trying. She came back, knowing that others know what she did (her kids even)and she has faced those people. She is trying. Hope has given her truth darts and she has listened, and many times looks down (it hits her inside). Showing that she is trying is hard to do, because for a FWAW it is mostly all emotional/head stuff that she is wrapping her mind around. Women are made that way.

Puppy, I see how seeing the trying is important to once LBS. You may have to tell her what you are wanting to see so she can try to work on this. The thing I see is that Hope is wanting these things, but is not telling his w specifically what he is needing, and is not having any relationship talks. Women don't just "do" things, they "feel" things first. She is working on the feelings inside and trying to let the doing follow. The last post, hope, shows how she has is changing. You even see this, but it isn't enough now or something.....HD spouses feel this emptiness physically, the same way FWAW feel this emptiness emotionally. BOth need to work. There is no quick fix. Communication is key. Retrovaille will be just what you need, Puppy. HOpe, maybe Retrouvaille is something you need to ask your wife to do for you since what you both are doing isn't working. Or, maybe stop the "no relationship talks" rule. It's been long enough. I don't believe she is the only one that doesn't want to talk about the R anymore.

I agree with whatdid. She isn't a mind reader. If you need to see x out of her to know that she gets it or is trying you need to tell her. It is hard. I am glad that your WAS is at least in a position to make it work. Don't take that for granted.

kat

Thanks Ladies. I really do appreciate it more than you know.

But I HAVE told her what I need. MULTIPLE times. I HAVE told her I need to talk about this. I have specifically asked her THREE times to go to Retro with me. I've asked her to read books and specifically said the books I'm suggesting don't bash the wayward spouse, but show things from both sides and help both sides understand what their spouse is going through. If I hadn't have read those books and come to a couple sites like this one, I'd have been gone a long time ago. You guys are the only reason I'm not single right now.

So I guess the way I see it is, I HAVE told her what I need and she refuses to even meet me half way.

And the no relationship talks are her choice, not mine. I've clearly stated at least 3 times in the last 9 months that I NEED to discuss how/why this happened so she can let it go and I can feel safe that it won't happen again and every time she's said "if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't want to talk about it". I guess it just makes me feel like she doesn't want to let go of it and doesn't feel like our marriage and our kids are worth it. So isn't it easy to see why I'm building up this wall around me?

Does that sound like someone who comes even close to wanting to face what they've done and help the one person that's stood by them through EVERYTHING heal? And just so anyone newly reading knows, I've repeatedly taken my portion of responsibility for the things in our marriage my W has problems with. And I've spent over a year working on those things and I think I've made a ton of progress if I do say so myself. But should I be the one to continue to carry all the responsibility of recovering our marriage when my W can't even say "I want to try"?

See WDID. This may be where we differ. I don't see her coming back to the marriage. The last time we "talked" about this she said to me "I can't tell you I want to try because I don't have 'those' feelings for you so I wouldn't be doing either of us any good to tell you 'I want to try'"

The time before that that we talked she said to me "I just thought we could get along until S16 graduates from H.S. and complete giving him a 'normal' upbringing".

Does that sound like someone who's come back to the marriage?

So, if you told her that the only way you'll stay in this marriage is if she does x, y, and z, you really think she will say she wants to divorce? I don't get that feeling.

Don't know. But everyone here keeps telling me ultimatum's are not the way to go and your comment sounds like one to me. And I see saying she needs to do x, y and z as pressure.

And the big question to me is, do I really want to be with someone that refuses to even try to understand what her actions have done to me? Do I want to be with someone who it takes an ultimatum to get them to do something? It just seems like she has taken no responsibility for any of this and continues to blame it all on me.

So what I've been struggling with is, Is this someone I want to be with. I mean, who doesn't understand how their spouse would have a problem with affair memomento's? Who, if they were really trying, wouldn't get rid of that stuff as a little show of understanding just what they've done to me?

I mean, she actually said to me, "Am I ashamed of what I've done? I guess somewhat, but I'm more ashamed that you told the kids". How does she not get that if she hadn't had the affair, the kids wouldn't have had to be told anything?

And I guess we'll see if she wants to talk to me or not. S16 just called me and I asked what mom was doing and he said she was online signing him up for his drivers test. I told him I was just sitting in my hotel room so if she wanted to talk to me, give me a call.

If she doesn't call, I guess the wall will get a little higher.

Nope.