Hey Carlos... I finally got up to speed on your situation. Took me a few days to slog through your threads. But you gave me a pause to catch up while you were travelling.
I recently posted about my last conversation with my IC over in my thread. It might be helpful for you to read it. Much of the commentary about our immature behaving wives seemed to match your case as well.
I know I always had a sense of 'violation' when my wife would move stuff out without my knowledge. I hope that isn't bothering you too much. Try to think of it like a business transation.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
I am so glad you sought out your friends. I am glad you have comfort and company, both are good things.
As for the inlaws, I know it seems cold, but they have to side with their child. I know they could be courteous, at a minimum, but perhaps they just havent't that grace.
I often wonder why my MIL has not called me or even written me a little note. We were so close. I had a blowup with FIL almost two years ago and the man is a serious grudge-holder, but her not contacting me hurts.
I just look at my own mom, though, who wants very much to call my H to tell him she cares about him, and I still will not let her. So who knows what H thinks about his MIL (probably thinks of it very little, with the current self-absorption) but from outward appearances, it could seem that she does not care about him. That is totally untrue.
Just saying you cannot know for sure and you have enough to handle right now, so try to put the IL's out of your mind.
NW, Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts - and for reminding me that I will bounce back...and that I am not truly alone. In some ways my trip away made me aware of many things - and I think I attributed a lot of the sadness in me to my W and my M...though as I talked through my feelings with my friends tonight I realized that a lot of it still has to do with the fear that stalls me sometimes - the fear of just how much I have to change and take care of on my own now...since I no longer have the teammate that was with me for so many years...but, you know what, we weren't that great a team - in many, many ways, we just were not...so hopefully we'll both come out of this doing better for ourselves and our children - maybe together, maybe not...but better either way.
Got to believe...that's so very true...and once I'm rested I'm sure I'll have that faith again...
Techguy, Thanks for checking in - I appreciate it - and am heading over to your thread right after I finish this post.
Veronica, Thank you for your reminder about the in-laws - they do have to side with their daughter...I guess it just surprised me because my parents are more like your mom...My father embraced my W when he last saw her - and offered her nothing but his love - and understanding - while my mother wanted me to bring a christmas present back for me W - I had to tell her it was just not a good idea - and there was no idea it could go over well...I suppose it's just that lack of grace, as you describe it.
And thanks as well for the reminder to let it go....I do have enough on my plate already...I want just what conspiracy of moments, tides, fluctuations, pauses, sleepless nights, empty garages, overwhelming change and simple exhaustion made me feel so fragile today....(and I am laughing at myself right now...so that's a good sign, I think...).
I am doing better today - still extremely sad - but also just more willing to fight through it and do what I have to do. Laughter was good - and, Purple, I have to admit that I've not done anything like the male equivalent of pampering - other than going to the gym, etc...I just haven't really taken much time to do anything for me that would just make me happy...haven't done that in a long time...even something as simple as going to a movie...
I've thought a lot about my wife today - even while sitting here and working with my writing partner - she kept passing through the back of my mind, and I kept hearing myself asking her to say goodbye...Strange thought - but that's what it was...just wanted a simple goodbye from her instead of this constant aloofness and immaturity. The pain from yesterday - looking back on it from today - felt like I had hit something of a turning point - not sure where this turn is taking me - but it did feel very, very different - all the sorrow - and the extreme despair - nothing like I had felt before - when I already felt I had felt the most pain months ago - this was different...and maybe it just needed to come out - after the holidays, after time with my family, after having to let everyone know that my life was different now.
I'm going to keep working now. Pushing through and making myself believe in myself again...I had trembled on the precipice of losing that belief in myself...that is not good...but thank you, my friends, for helping me through it.
I am so glad to hear the strength coming through in your words. I am so glad you are feeling better. All any of us can do is believe in ourselves, allow ourselves to feel our emotions, process them and keep moving forward.
I think you did a terrific job of getting yourself through your sorrow yesterday.
Thanks for your support for me, too. I cannot thank you enough.
Just wanted to drop by and let you know I was thinking of you. Like you said, The way you have been feeling is probably due to a combination of things. I have felt similar in the past. It is so important to let it happen and just get it all out and press forward, maybe treating yourself to something nice or trying something new.
I know how difficult it is, but trying to take your focus off of her makes it easier. Seems like these feelings cycle every now and then. Hang in there my friend. I believe in you, you will never be given more than you can handle and your never alone.
Hi Veronica, I think our ability to be there for others is one of the gifts of being human - and one of the miracles of the Internet...I so often find that in posting and talking with others that I end up realizing so many things about myself and my own situation - like there's just enough distance there for less intentionality and thus a hint of genuine objectivity.
Thank you for seeing strength in my words - I am pulling through as best I can - feeling the pain and emotions - and accepting it as a necessary part of what I have to learn. Though I felt broken yesterday, perhaps it was just like when one lifts weights - you have to test and tear the muscle a bit for it to rebuild and be stronger...I feel like that's been happening to my heart these last few days...and that I am gaining a strength through this that I never knew I could have - only because I never knew I could possibly endure such savage levels of sadness...but here I am today...feeling better...not healed, far from it, but I'll get there eventually.
Trapt, Thanks so much for coming by. I think I do need to treat myself to something...I just have no idea what yet...I collect books, but I'm on a tight budget these days, so I don't get books anymore...and I don't want to slip into the delicious distraction of port and dark chocolate - since the port can do wicked things with a sip or two too many...I've thought of taking a trip to San Francisco...but that might have to wait a month or so...so I just keep wondering about other, smaller ways to do something for me...and I just don't have anything come to mind...I just haven't thought about myself like that in ages...I didn't even get myself a Christmas present this year (which I've done in the past a lot, because my W had a habit of giving me pieces of paper with promises...which always kind of left me disappointed - and this year I knew I wasn't going to get anything from her)...so...I wonder still...how can I treat myself to something new or nice? I'll have to think about it a lot and see what comes to mind...the only new stuff I've gotten lately has been for my kids...
You're also so very right - I have to take my focus off my W more - and find ways to step outside of the house when these cycles hit...and I have to remember that I will never be given more than I can handle and I am not alone...I just have to insist on opening my eyes and reaching out to the friends I have - both in RL and here...
............. Little bit of journaling..... When my W came by to pick up my baby boy tonight she was back to the old routine of calling from the car - and letting me know she was outside. When I told my baby boy that his mommy was here he said no, no, no - and that he didn't want to go - I kept trying to get him excited to see her outside - but he just kept saying no mommy, no mommy...until he finally gave up a bit of a smile and I carried him to the door - and when he saw my W he smiled for a moment - but then said, no, no, no - again - even as she carried him to the car. I also handed her some artwork of his from school - which she didn't even acknowledge - and then I mentioned how her parents might have felt uncomfortable last night, and that it would be fine for with me if they said hello...her response, "they weren't uncomfortable...they were fine." Whatever...there is no reality in their world - her father is deluded into thinking he has a perfect marriage, her mother is a manipulative liar, and she is on a journey that they helped lay out for her - and are all too willing to fund...and so I get to detach from my W and her toxic family...interesting opportunity for a better life there...
