Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? New Year New Goals

Sounds good BBJ. So, Dan is still making future plans involving both of you even after his mini-meltdown yesterday. That is an interesting development.

I sincerely hope he will sit down and talk to you about his feelings. There is a lot of stuff that needs airing I'm sure.

Take care and I'll check in with you later.

Love to you and your sweet kids!

Sounds like a nice evening and Dan is planning and offering to talk about life so that's good. I hope you get the chance to clear the air.

I am just annoyed today. It is sinking in that I have spent the past two years growing learning stretching and forgiving and he has spent it feeling sorry for himself and his life and resenting/blaming me.

I was trying to finish putting checking in quicken so we can do our taxes. Got up through November 11 and there was another trip to the "Showgirls", this time in California while he was there for business. The guy is uncomfortable in bed with me but can look at/touch other naked women he has never met before....wtf

Just pisses me off..

We will see how much we talk about life. If things go as planned according to MIL we will be dropping kids with her at 3 then going to nieces game then out with SIL. Not a lot of open time there.

I do find it interesting he switched over all of our insurance. But then again just last week (I saw today) a check cleared for $450 for a home inspection on that house he was going to buy. It was dated 12/19 so I know it was from before he realized he couldn't buy it without me. But obv. he was totally intending to move out since he paid the $1000 earnest money and the inspection. That's $1450 we will never get back and he will have to do it again if he leaves now, to get another house. Blah

Sorry Bbj, just proves he is back because his leaving plans failed. Because he couldnt get the house. I am sorry, but that's what it looks like...

Don't be sorry K, it is what it is. He was going to leave and would have left if he could have gotten the house. I imagine he is only here now while he figures out how to get a house without me. I deserve more and better for sure. Just sucks b/c the more and better will most likely not be the father of my children. Doesn't seem right...

Yeah, I know. But we can only wish and hope for so much. There comes a point we (including myself here) need to face reality...

Bad (expected) news: H and I talked this morning and agreed that we absolutely cannot go on like this. Neither of us is happy for opposite reasons.

*I am unhappy b/c I feel I am pouring my love into a bottomless hole and getting nothing back.

*He feels he has been "trying to get back to US" by living here and spending family time together but his feelings haven't grown to what he wants them to be so he is pissed that it isn't working.

*We BOTH agree that we want to experience real, unconditional, forever love with our spouse. Problem is I don't feel it from him and he says he can't figure out why he doesn't feel it for me anymore even though he claims he wants to??

Good News: In the process of this conversation H kept saying how frustrated he was b/c his life wasn't going how he wanted it to. He was so mad b/c he wanted to be with me but he still couldn't/didn't feel comfortable being close to me like a husband...

I said, "So you hate your life and sometimes think it would be easier to be dead...And you really don't want to talk to someone about this?"

He replied "I already started seeing someone (therapy) again"

I asked about it and he said it was "To try and help me figure out what to do about us and also to FIX ME" His words, not mine, he wants to get 'fixed'. Guess he knows he's broken??

Also I should mention during the talk he said he didn't believe what they said at Retro that love was a choice b/c he wanted to love me and it just wasn't that simple...

As he was leaving later, I said that maybe he was partly right that love wasn't a choice. That our actions were our choices, like when we clean up after a sick kid we do it b/c we love them not because we want to be cleaning up a mess, etc etc.

I said, "But on the other hand if LOVING was a choice, then I am not sure why I would still love you with all that has happned. Even when I have tried to stop loving you I haven't been able to do it.."

His reply, "And why do you think I keep coming back no matter how many times I leave?"

Which is odd b/c on the one hand he said he couldn't just choose to love me but then when he left he acted like he was coming back b/c he did love me...

Glad he is getting some help to sort out his brain...

Dear BobbiJo,

I haven't been following your thread but I have been enjoying your posts on other's threads! your title good news/bad news caught my eye and I read your latest two posts. I am sorry to hear the bad news and glad to hear the good news! One thing comes to mind... have you read "passionate marriage" by david schnarck (sp)? It might give you and your H some new tools/points of view about loving and being loved... it is not uncommon when our spouse's importance surpasses our ability to self-soothe for us to start feeling no loving feelings... but all is not lost. It's hard to explain, the book is so much better! anyway, JMO, a humble thought.

((hugs))
transformer

((((((((((BBJ)))))))))))))

That talk did have some very good points. Dan at least knows for a fact that he is broken. In some ways, aren't we all? He is getting help and I will pray that he continues to do that for all of your sakes.

Is he going to stay in the house with you and the kids?