Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Time for me to change....scared as Hell! 2

TOH:

Do not be consumed with your child and her father. Let them hash it out, not you. Stay away from it and do not try and control it.

Let it work itself out.

And how do you know he is doing drive-bys--do you watch and wait? Just curious.

I would suggest you remove yourself from the windows and immerse yourself into your projects and get going with them. It will help you so much.

I didn't mention the thing between D and H because I am meddling in their R. That is their thing your right, I cannot fix that. It's sad, but it is between them. I let trying to hold together the R with H, N, and D go a long time ago...

I mentioned it this morning to use it as an example that I really don't know if going NC with him will help bring our R to better things.

I knew H drove by because I was walking from my bedroom into the bathroom, I heard a vehicle and looked, from across the room, it was dark and he has lights on top of his truck. So it was by accident that I saw. I do not wait for him to come because he doesn't.

"Someone once posted about the great love between her and stbxh ... and this person realized that SHE was the biggest part of the great love. SHE gave great love. SHE had great love. SHE gave all. Recognizing that can be empowering. YOU have great love to give and that didn't leave you b/c you are no longer stbxh..."

Wonderful quote and oooohhh soooo true!!

TOH:

I was just reading a segment in a Stormie OMartian book about marital problems.

She says that this "NC" or going dark is not always a good thing. She says that if a person does this for a long period of time, your spouse will seek comfort elsewhere.

I am just saying what I read in the book.

And I must add that what works for one, does not necessarily work for another.

I totally agree, just wish I knew what was right.

Take care MG

Well, you will get different answers if you ask but here is what goes thru my head:

Is this what God would want me to do/say/act?

Please TOH do NOT take MWG's post as the all clear to end NC....think long and hard as what contact with your H has brought you over the past 18+ months. Has it been good for YOU???? I dont think God would want to see so anguished and abused as you have been. This NC is for YOU...the heck with H, work on healing you, its a slow process. The end result will be good no matter what happens to him.

As far as getting H back, many have said "Put the the oxygen mask on you 1st then the child."...

and.....think about it how many farmers have trucks w/ clearance lights? mine does!

There is too much jargon on this site.

Call it NC if you want. Here's what my take is on what it is you are doing (or should be doing)...

You are NOT pursuing him anymore.

You are NOT checking up on his whereabouts.

You are NOT inviting him to dinner, to watch TV, etc.

You are NOT phoning him except for crucial matters pertaining to finances or children.


And the most important one of all...

You are NOT making decisions about YOU based upon HIM in anyway. You don't choose where to go based on where he'll be. You don't decide what you can or cannot do with future plans based upon how you think he might feel or react to them.

In short, you are living for YOU, making the decisions YOU want in order to have the best life you can possibly have, REGARDLESS of what he winds up doing.


This is not a trick, not a strategy. It is not DB'ing from the standpoint of trying to save your marriage. It is DB'ing from the standpoint of trying to save yourself.


You seem to be constantly on the edge of just sliding back in to your old ways. Your posts certainly suggest that this is still a daily battle for you. And it will remain that way until you have lived THIS kind of life long enough that it begins to become the norm instead of the exception.


None of these approaches close the door, should your husband ever come out of the chaos that he is currently in. None of them mean that you are giving up or quitting your stand. Everything is STILL possible, regardless of how doing these things sometimes makes you feel inside.


Are you going to do it? Are you going to finally stop riding the rollercoaster that your husband is on?


I know you love the man. I know you want your life together back. Living for yourself changes none of that.


It is LONG past time for you to STOP being driven by his problems. Make yourself into the vibrant, successful person that YOU have the capability of being.


Odd that it is often ONLY THEN, that the wandering spouse looks back and truly begins to question just what the hell it is they have been doing to their life.


But if you don't do it, you'll never know.


Blessings,

Bill

Hi TOH, yes I agree with new 2moro.
I think you will find many people on this site which after all is the one you are on advocating NC.
It is a DB principle,spoken of in the books and used by the coach's. It also follows the 180 rule, if something isn't working change it.
You have done the contact thing for along time you have played the loving doormat always being there. You have also done alot of stuff that isn't DB but hey we all have.
I would hate to see you fall again after what 36hrs of NC. That is no time at all to see if it is going to work.
This NC is for you, to get you back on track,to build a life for you. Regardless of what H does or does not do.
If you just want to be married but have a H that plays and stays away then go ahead call phone,email whatever. You will get what you have got now.
Is that how you want to live the rest of your life?
Your spouse rgardless of contact or no contact is and has been already seeking comfort elsewhere, so that has no bearing on your situation.
Do this for you to get well and make a life.
Give it a chance at least, fear makes us break it before we even have a chance to see if it helps us, but really what have you got to fear that hasn't already happened.

I guess in my gut I know that I cannot go NC. (oh yea...can't is not a word) okay I won't. For sooo many reasons. #1 reason because in my gut I know that it won't work, for me, for my girls, for H, for our R. BUT...!!! this...

"You are NOT pursuing him anymore.

You are NOT checking up on his whereabouts.

You are NOT inviting him to dinner, to watch TV, etc.

You are NOT phoning him except for crucial matters pertaining to finances or children."

This is exactly what I am doing yesterday, today and tomorrow. It's what has to be for me, and for H. For today I feel stronger. For today I feel hope. I still have a long long way to go but DAMB it! I WILL get there. I have no idea where "there" is but I'll find it. And I'll be the first one to stand up and say that I'll fall again. I know that I will but I will get back up and keep going. I now believe in ME!

Proof:
Yesterday H called, I didn't answer, he left a VM "yea, if you want snow pushed in the morning plug the tractor in and I'll stop in the morning and do it, okay talk to you later" I didn't call him back.

This morning I went out and tried to move D's car. I got it stuck in the drive. I went to try to start the tractor and the jumper cables were in my trunk, the trunk was froze shut. I went back in the house, maybe 3 tears, called into work then sat to warm up and figure out another way. H came and pushed the snow. I gave him breakfast burritos and said "here, take these for pushing my snow" and walked away he said thanks. He moved snow then left I called him and said "thank you very much" he said "yea no problem" and I hung up. What little time I did talk to him just gave me more strength. He was short and cold and very distant, acts like I'm a real pain in his @$*. Too bad. I did not let it effect me at all. He's an idiot. Period. But I do appreciate what he does "good" (not too many men would leave their wife, continue to deposit his pay check in THeir account, push her snow, change her oil, etc... for almost 2 years after leaving) for us and I will show it. That's where it stops. Period. Today I'm thinking the idea of filing, selling it all, taking my 1/2 and moving the hell out of here is sounding better and better all the time....

So I went to work a little late. Put in some overtime. Had a meeting afterwards. Home, supper, and some talk time with the girls. Life is fine. Not what I wanted but it'll be okay.