I know sometimes you follow my posts. Your stitch is similar to mine. My W lives at home and she use to ignore me for a while. My stitch has been going on for about 5 years, maybe more. Before I came to this site she slept on the couch for over a year. She worked nights and her excuse was "I'm not tired when I come home from work." At first I would ask her to come to bed, but that only made her angry.
So how do you get H back in the bedroom? That's a tough question to answer. I used different tatics to get my W back. Please don't think I'm crazy or cruel about some of them.
I would give her a quick hug and go to bed early. Sometime I would burn scented candles before she came home. Sometime I would burn scented candles in the bedroom Cook fish for dinner (she doesn't like the smell of fish) D10 and I like eating it. Turn the thermostat down when D10 slept over a friends house. She sometimes fall a sleep with the remote in her hand. I would switch the TV to a religious station. Clean the bedroom. Move the bedroom furniture around. Make changes I liked, since she wasn't sleeping there. Play soothing music on the radio. Wake-up and be cheerful even if I wasn't Lock my bedroom door, so in the morning when she went to get her clothes she had to use her key. (SS18 use to steel from us that's why the lock.) Take the sleeping bag she used off the couch and store it away. When she wasn't feeling good and slept on the couch I would tuck her in. Kiss her on the forehead and wish her a good night sleep.
When she did come to bed, all we did was hold hands.
WCW, you would be the first to notice actions rather than words as more important. Your husband can't talk. He is doing what he can to reassure you and change the neighborhood/horse culture perceptions. He has finally started to figure out that you have been humiliated by rumours. Consider stepping over and around them...true or not. Reclaim your dignity and be generous about allowing H a little. He is suffering about his stupid finances. Consider offering magic couplehood status to him. Your business plan is still viable, *hitty economy or not. Reinvent. He does understand that you are energy and credibility behind the ranch/business.
Consider being glad about that he is unfreezing and then try hard not to put a dark spin on his motive. Shock him and go domestic. Make more cookies. That made him happy in a goofy way one time. Try it again.
Fixer! You are creative and persistant. I will go back and read your story, but I like the way you are busily changing furniture and the mood anyway you can.
That worked well for me too. Talk didn't. Happy cooking and decent wine, did. I really do notice what helps and what doesn't. Drunky emails hurt. Jokes help.
Hi Fixer, nice of you to post. You know how people will someone just snapped? or someone will snap out of it? Well, my H snapped in the 3rd week of Sept 2003. I could tell a distinct difference in him, although it was May 2004 before I understood the owreason for his snap.
Thanks for the list of suggestions, and I don't think it's crazy or cruel. You'll see why by my answers.
I would give her a quick hug and go to bed early. Check! Sometime I would burn scented candles before she came home. Check! Sometime I would burn scented candles in the bedroom Check! Cook fish for dinner (she doesn't like the smell of fish) D10 and I like eating it. Would this drive her to the bedroom to get away from the smell? H is rarely home to eat in the evenings. Turn the thermostat down when D10 slept over a friends house. Check! except then H will run an extra heater She sometimes fall a sleep with the remote in her hand. I would switch the TV to a religious station. Ha! Clean the bedroom. Check! Move the bedroom furniture around. Make changes I liked, since she wasn't sleeping there. Check! Play soothing music on the radio. Check! Wake-up and be cheerful even if I wasn't Check! or do a 180 and be the opposite and leave out the back door and not see H at all Lock my bedroom door, so in the morning when she went to get her clothes she had to use her key. (SS18 use to steel from us that's why the lock.) H has no clothes in the bedroom or in the house. He brings in only what he needs each day. Take the sleeping bag she used off the couch and store it away. Check! and I went a step further, I moved the whole couch to the barn for 6 months. H slept on the floor. I moved it back in when my sis was coming to stay over. When she wasn't feeling good and slept on the couch I would tuck her in. Kiss her on the forehead and wish her a good night sleep. Check! No kisses though. I believe I have virgin lips again.
When she did come to bed, all we did was hold hands. Check! sometimes
I don't think I have a goal at this time of having H return to the bed for overnight stays. I would like mutual visits to build up to eventual overnights but right now I have horrible sleep habits and irregular sleep patterns. I can hardly stand to sleep with myself!
I do feel bad for him sleeping on the couch all these years but it is his choice. It is getting pretty lumpy and he has a sore back quite often. Then he goes to the chiropractor. It's so easy to see the problem from my perspective but he is still too stubborn and his pride or guilt keeps him blind. Maybe his eyes are opening just a bit though.
Congrats to you for your W returning to the bed!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW, you would be the first to notice actions rather than words as more important. Your husband can't talk. He is doing what he can to reassure you and change the neighborhood/horse culture perceptions. He has finally started to figure out that you have been humiliated by rumours. Consider stepping over and around them...true or not. Reclaim your dignity and be generous about allowing H a little. He is suffering about his stupid finances. Consider offering magic couplehood status to him. Your business plan is still viable, *hitty economy or not. Reinvent. He does understand that you are energy and credibility behind the ranch/business.
Consider being glad about that he is unfreezing and then try hard not to put a dark spin on his motive. Shock him and go domestic. Make more cookies. That made him happy in a goofy way one time. Try it again.
The little 4-H ers will like them if he does not.
Flicka, I 100% agree with you here. Please take away my fastforward finger!
Magic couplehood? what is that?
Did you see Oprah? One person said that having huge financial debt was exciting to him. Did I hear that right?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I was stuck in traffic and doing deep breathing at 4:15. I am sincerely interested in this week's Oprah stuff but I have to feign interest in my work for awhile longer. I am the insurance provider, you know?
Magic couple was referencing "golden palomino couple".
Really, you do match in a crazy way. He does know that, I assure you. My renegade does as well. I talk cheesish! I am able to fake interest in gray water for quite awhile! Unfortunately, I have faked it for so long that now I am actually interested. Scary.
I let my W know that this was my house too. Coming home in the early morning is not showing respect for our household. By cooking what I wanted and not caring about the smell, I was showing her this is my house too. She also said that our house didn't seem like a home. Then her life started to fall apart. Friends started moving away and her finances were getting away from her. I think her MLC started getting better, but not without being miserably silent. On the flip side, my stuff was getting better. People noticed how it was more her than me.
Flicka - I starteed reading about different things that people tried. What worked the most for me was to stop worrying. Somehow my W saw enough to know she didn't have an effect on my moods. Don't get me wrong, I still slip and often, but when my PMA is up she isn't as happy.
It looked and felt quite like how we were in our better years, the only thing missing was his hand resting on my leg and my hand on his.
What do you suppose would have happened if you had put your hand on his leg? Would that have sent him running? I think next time you get the chance you should try something like that. It would be a 180 now wouldn't it?
Originally Posted By: WCW
When the meeting was done we each socialized and H came over to tell me he was heading home.
Whether it is a baby step or not it was very nice of him.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Hey Fixer, I have to be a little bit careful about claiming this is my house because it WAS my house before H moved here. I get what you're saying though. While H was still spinning and sliding and planning his exit strategy I was 'the rock' that kept the place together and I was planning and moving forward with my own life. Took me a quite a while to get started though.
Gosh it sounds so vain saying that. I was the rock.
NNP, I have a hunch H would have been squirmy on the inside and not been able to run. He may even have made a reason to get up and go talk to someone. Maybe when there is a next time I'll 180 but for this time I was still feeling good that 1) he was there by surprise 2) he came to sit with me and 3) he didn't just sit like a bump, he was interactive with me. I mentioned that he let me know he was leaving because there has been so many times that we've been at the same place each with our own truck and he just left. I mirrored that behavior a few times.
Driving home one night this week H and I passed on the highway. No big deal, I used to call him and say hi when that happened. I don't anymore, we just wave at each other. My phone rang, it was H! wondered if I remembered to pick up dog food. Yupperree I did!
H is out of town part of this weekend. I've got my plans all made and I hope the 7 inches of snow isn't going to screw them up!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
