Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Is the answer blowing in the wind?

Wow, Nik, that sure was interesting to read about your sitch. I mean, I knew about some of what you wrote..I can tell you one thing for sure- I think you are the cats meow (Her, on the other hand, blech!) (OH! I keep going over to Piecing to see if you have any ideas on a bigger goal for you and your H..how's that coming? Are you still feeling sort of stagnant?)



I like that.

You both have given me a lot to think about. I need to re-read the posts and really consider them... I am having the feeling that probably a lot LBS have which is "Why wasn't *I* good enough to be loved?? Why wasn't *I* good enough to fight for??"

Oh, my heart goes out to you on this one.. I have been there so many times, especially during my first S, I felt like I had to become the person *H* wanted to be loved again. The rejection of it all can be consuming, but the rejection is actually a false reality b/c it's created when you let the other person become more impt than you are- giving the other person some kind of power and giving yourself no power. Finally, now during my second S and pending D, I am seeing through to the other side of this. It needs rephrasing like this: "I am an amazing person who many men would love and he is not capable of loving me or treating me the way I deserve (right now) or (possibly ever)"

You are good enough to be loved, and if he doesn't fight for you someone else will!

My H makes me just shake my head.
I got a call saying he had some late movies, so I IM'd him. He tells me the rehab place called him to let him know that there is family counseling on Tues-Thurs and he said he couldn't go. I asked why and he said because he needed to work. I asked if next week wouldn't be okay and he said he didn't know...but, he didn't want to travel TWO times to the place. (ie, visiting day and then a counseling day. he wanted to do one or the other.)

As I pointed out, we could do visiting day on Sun and then counseling Thurs- not like it would be two days in a row. I also said that it sure would be great for SS to know he was important enough to travel for.

Good Grief!!! The kid is crying his eyes out because he doesn't feel important to his Dad and then Dad can't bother himself to travel more than once. ARGH!

WTF is wrong with this guy? I have a feeling he will change his mind, but why does he even have to think twice about this? At first, I was concerned about "showing up" my H if I went by myself, but I think I will need to go no matter what so that SS *knows* he has support when he gets out.

((Trixi))

I have about 2 minutes to post.. good thing I type fast huh?

I am SO sorry your H is acting like an a$$ about SS again. It really does seem that family is not a high priority with him, at least anymore. I wonder if some of it's due to the therapy causing him to face some things about himself he's not so ready to face too. Not that it matters.. just thinking.

I'm glad that you're willing to be there for SS! Do what's right for him - don't worry about how it "looks" to your H or even to SS. Be the good, loving, kind woman that you ARE. This is another facet to detaching - you do what's right, what's "you," without worrying about your H's response!

One small thought... just because I think it would be an interesting 180 for you to try. I may have suggested this before. Sorry if it's a repeat. Have you thought about trying the "validate everything" approach?

You do a lot of "suggesting" and "pointing out" when you talk to him. What if you stopped?

For example:



If you said "Oh wow I'm so sorry that you have to work" or "I'm sorry you don't feel like traveling that much" or whatever. Sincerely say you're sorry about XYZ that's "preventing" him from going. (I know, it will be hard not to say this sarcastically, but I have faith you can do it! ).

He just MIGHT start to realize how ridiculous it is.

There was an example like this in the DR book but I can't recall the details right now.



Instead of pointing it out or trying to "fix" it for him either go overboard empathizing with whatever his "not wanting to travel" reasons are, OR, simply say you're sorry he doesn't want to travel, has to work, whatever, and end the convo.

Then do what YOU know is right - visit SS. If your H calls back and wants to arrange going together, great. If not, his loss. I know that it's SS's loss too, but that's between him and his Dad. Try to let go of "fixing" that R - it will just drive you crazy. Leave it up to them. I know that your H is reliant on you for transportation to visit SS right now, but that doesn't mean you have to set it all up - he can come to you.

(L_L I haven't forgotten about you! Got both very busy at work and sick, all in the same week..bleh. I'll be over to your thread in the next day or two for sure! I want to make sure I can read up on you before I post something that makes no sense )

Trixi,

your H is a lost cause. Your stepson needs a family. it is up to you and only you to fill the void. I don't know how long you were the mother to SS, but you are the only real parent he has. Go, and damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!

You know what, it's amazing to me your SS is so strong! And you're fully right to want to support him 110%. I bet you are so proud of him for admitting he had a issue w. alcohol/drugs at his age and wanting to go through recovery. You're an amazing person too, to be there for him, after everything you've dealt with re: his dad. It's unfortunate his dad isn't that supportive, but he's lucky to have you. I hope he changes his mind about the visits. I think if you said you were going anyway, he might turn around.

How ya doin, Trixi? Did you go to SS's family counseling?

Thinking of you!

Thanks for asking.
As it turns out, the family counseling isn't a "pick a day from these three"- it's "your 3 days are scheduled for Jan 20-22nd." I asked why the short notice (a weeks notice) and if we couldn't schedule it for a little further out and he said "We just fit families into the schedule as we can. You're scheduled for next week. If one or both of you can't make it, we understand because it is short notice."

I spoke with SS last night and he wasn't sure if it was really necessary for me (by myself) to be over there for 3 days-especially since I already have a very good understanding of things. He thought it would be VERY important for his Dad to go. But, he also said he knew it was short notice and that he might not be able to get the time off. (Thank goodness he sounded understanding about that.) He just wanted to be sure we at least made it for visiting day.

I sent H a text this morning that basically asked if he was positive that not going next week wouldn't end up being a missed opportunity; but that I understood the short notice thing and wouldn't bring it up again. And he wrote back and said that he didn't see it as a missed opportunity because they will be going to counseling later. Oh well; I have done as much as I can. I just sent a text back that said Okie doke.

So, we go this Sunday for visiting day and then SS and I will talk more about whether or not I should go to family counseling time. I don't want it to turn into a bashing session against my H and SS and I don't really have many unresolved relationship issues, so I am just not sure that it will accomplish what it is supposed to accomplish. They would truly be preaching to the choir.

H and I have had very little interaction since we saw each other last Friday. One IM convo, one short phone convo, one short TM exchange.

I have gnawed my nails down to nubs and my cuticles are trashed and bleeding. I feel exhausted most of the time, but then wake up with my heart beating out of my chest and my brain going a million miles per hour. I cry at the drop of a hat. (Well, I have always cried easily, but even worse right now.) I haven't been on the torch FOREVER. Yeah, I'm depressed. I am taking welbutrin and still I am depressed. I've gained weight since our trip to costa rica. I just want to crawl into a corner and disappear. (no, I am not thinking of hurting myself.)I am sort of thinking of going to the Doc to have my hormones checked...

Anyway, that's my story.

that is not a happy story. that is nice of everyone to point to "short notice" and say it's OK that H doesn't show up. My son was in both an inpatient and an out-patient program. The in-patient program did not ask for family participation, but I got some very caring letters from my son at that time, thanking us for our support and apologizing for all his bad behavior. i know that they helped him write those letters, but they were still good to see. At the out-patient program they did an encounter session with me there. The therapist and all the other group members talked about their perceptions of my son. Then they asked me to sit in the middle of the circle and talk about my hopes for my son. Then they had him join me, face to face, in the middle of the circle and apologize for his past behavior and talk about his hopes for his future. It was a moving experience. It was worth being there. And for him, it looked very good that he had someone to come and participate.

Trixi- Hugs. I agree, on Sun minimize any conflict if you can between H and SS- that will help. What about avoiding any R talks w. H too? It could be a 180, and you might feel less stressed. Not to mention there is a chance that this 'new you' that apparently doesn't think a lot about your R anymore, could leave a curious impression on H. The whole when you pull away, he draws closer idea. This is completely DB.

I totally know how it feels to live in agony/stress. Maybe some good stress relief would be in order- spa day? tai chi? massage? nature walks? Even better, what's something you can add into your weekly schedule, so you get treated and rejuvenated all the time. Treat yourself! You deserve it 10 times over! I find herbals/teas like chamomile and st johns or kava do help me relax too. I practically drink a cup every evening and it helps me a lot.

Good luck this weekend, keep us posted!