(((((BobbiJo))))) I think you hit it right there. In his mind you are the one on probation. He is looking for a reason to say, "Yep, I was right, she isn't going to change. I'm outta here". As far as I can see he is not "working on it". I guess tonight might say a lot. I guess you could price mattresses in preparation....
I am actually mentally replaying last night to see where the wrong turn came in....I am pretty sure it was me telling him I was unhappy with him sleeping in the living room. If I had just let it go, he probably would not be having this 'talk' tonight. I am sure it would happen anyway, just a few days/weeks from now.
But I needed to say what I said, I cannot hide my own feelings for his sake....or I wouldn't be me.
The night seemed mostly positive: *H's sister invited us to a basketball game and then a piano bar on Saturday night, H and I talked about going
*H mentioned needing to go treat cows (vaccinate) sometime this weekend. I offered to help him and made a joke about having work boots and jeans (last time in November I went to help in tennis shoes and he bitched that I didn't really want to help b/c I didn't even dress right for farm work). He smiled at the joke and acted like he would like to have me come and help him.
*I was talking to H about his upcoming trip to Denver to go to a cattle show. I mentioned I would like us to take a trip together and he agreed that we should.
Just had some email activity from H, I was right, he is melting down again....(did I mention that earlier this week when I posted I predicted he would bail by Friday? )
Here is what he said,
I do not know how or when I will ever be comfortable there beside you. This is not going good or fine and I am stressing bad. I am not sure this is fixable.
I am so angry over this whole deal that I cannot stand it. I feel like complete [censored] today and know that I stand little chance of making me happy and any time soon it is draining.
On the bright side, he did say HE stood little chance of making himself happy. So at least he doesn't think it is my job to make him happy...
I was trying to feel out the topic of tonight's supposed 'discussion', so I had sent him a quick email saying that I noticed he seemed hostile this morning. That I wasn't angry at him for sleeping on the couch, just that I wanted to understand why he felt uncomfortable in our bed. And I repeated that I was glad we were communicating more openly as I thought that was necessary for things to work out with us.
[I did NOT mention quitting, giving up, etc because I was not going to give him an opening there. He can bring that up himself..]
So after I sent my message, I got the above in return. I just replied that I knew he hated it when I tried to 'fix' things, and that I understood I couldn't fix him anyway. But that I also knew he was wanting someone to listen to him and that I was ready and willing if he wanted to vent to me about his frustrations.
I know your philosophy but I am telling this again: the longer you let him stay there, you make yourself "target", responsible for what is going on in his broken head. You give him someone to blame, you. Bbj, I wish strength for you. You are going to need it... K
Sorry to read the latest. Tough way to start the weekend. I agree with K....he needs to go....fast. Lately when i read some posts, i am so happy that I do not have to deal with all this crap anymore. Make no mistake about it BBJ...this whole thing about it's not you it's me is all a crock. Sorry for being so blunt. This has been going on long enough. Stop torturing yourself...move on. the quicker you do, the quicker you will begin to feel better. Everybody knows you deserve so much more!
John, I agree that the swinging back/forth has got to stop. Yet I disagree that the "it's not you, it's me" thing is crap. He may just be saying that to get away, but still think it's me....
But I know, for sure, that it's HIM. He is the common denominator in all of his real and imagined misery....
I am ready to get dressed up, go on a date, and get kissed. Is that so wrong??
Although reading what you all in the dating world have written I am not sure I can take the joys of dating again...
Take your time BBJ...this is not a race.....I am dating and taking my time...it's not easy but it is alot better than where I was six months ago.....
you will see...I can't imagine that better days are not ahead for you BBJ with all that you have endured....You just have to believe it...i know it's effen tough right now....You know all the crap that i put up with. Well today I am better. Am I where I want to be? NO but I will get there and so will you.
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