Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy For the Guy with Kids and a WW 23

She already knows, Roger. Now you just have to let her FEEL it.

P

I can't say more than what everyone has said. They said it well.

(((((h4h))))))))))))))0

Thanks guys. You don't know how greatful I am to have y'all.

Well, I hit two days. That was it. Well, does my forwarding an email from D11's teacher Thursday count? She had responded to it, but I did NOT respond any further.

This morning while getting ready for work, I get a call from S14's sprint phone, which is the one on my plan. I thought that maybe it was one of the kids calling me. It was the wife. She told me good morning and I told her the same. She asked if I was on my way to work already and I told her that I was almost ready to leave. She said that she was leaving already.

"I wanted to see if you could come by and check on the kids after you get off work."
"Where is S14?"
"He's here. But he's out."
After a pause, I say "Alright".
"They were up pretty late last night. D11 too, with some of his friends."
"Did they spend the night?"
"Yeah. The usuals. Dante, Nick, Mat...but they have to leave by 12. Mat is leaving at 10."
"Okay"
"D7 is already awake. I gave her breakfast. I walked Moe, so theres no reason for her to go outside until I get home.
"Alright, I'll stop by."
"Just to make sure they don't burn the place down." She was trying to be funny.
"Okay"
A bit of a pause. Like I usually do.
"Okay...well, blah blah blah". I couldn't understand what the hell she said. She said it kinda quietly and sounded like she figured out that I wasn't really talking. I was only giving pretty short answers.
"Okay, I'll talk to ya' later" I said.
"Okay. bye."
"Bye"

Now I have to reset the counter. I don't think that was chatty. That's how most of our conversations go. I really don't give much.

My best bud Mike called me a bit ago asking if I had the girls. His daughter wanted to hang with D11 for a bit. They are best friends, since they were in daycare. Thats where we met, when the wife was working as a teacher there. I met him through her. He became like a brother to us and his daughter like another daughter to us. He no longer wants anything to do with the wife and won't let his daughter go to the apartment to visit. He's lost all trust in the wife. Maybe only if I'm around, like at the birthday party we had for D7 at her place.

We're gonna make plans. I'm going to pick up the girls and spend a couple hours at the house so he can check out a busted water pipe I have outside the house and the girls can spend some time together. That means that I'll email the wife and let her know my plans to take them, get her okay, and then get them back to her place later.

That doesn't count in my book anyway. A forward of an email re: to the kids doesn't count. I see what you're saying that she calls & talks and you're not talking as much, but I think it would be even better if about halfway through your talk say something like "anything else I need to know about the kids?" b/c after the first couple exchanges you are doing more of a chat than a necessary info kind of call. Letting her chat away and listening to her is still filling an emotional need for her I think. Then be polite and friendly, but say "gotta get to work" or wherever you are going or can say you're going. Thanks for the call, bye or something like that. So I think that chat ended your nc in my opinion. Reset the timer and do better next time!!! Karen

I did email her, asking if it was ok to pick up the girls and take them to the house so they could hang with their friend. She didn't respond.

She called me, just as I was getting ready to leave work. When I answered, she gave me the "Hey, you." She said that she just got my email and she called me because she thought that I might have left work already. She said that it was fine for me to pick up the girls. I told her that I should have them back by the time she got off of work.

"I can go pick them up after I get off work."
"Not sure" I said. She surprised me with that one. "I already talked to S14 and to D11. The boys are still there. They haven't left yet."
"They're still there?"
"Yeah, and he was a little pissy when I asked him when they were leaving and that I thought they were supposed to have left by 12. He said that they were cleaning up the mess and that they will call their parents soon."
"Yeah, they went to bed really late" she says. Then she starts to laughingly tell me a story. "And yes, a big mess. Yesterday (she starts to laugh)they were in the garage listening to their music and playing the drums. When they finished (laughs)they closed the garage door with they remote control still inside. They left their phones and Mat's computer in there, so they were with out anything for a few hours. I had to have it opened."
"Someone had to come open it?"
"Yeah, and it wasn't free. (she laughs)It came out of HIS pocket."
"Okay then. Good. Next time he'll know."
"Yup. The girls are supposed to have put their clothes away and S14 was supposed to do the rest."
"I'll call them to make sure they do that before they go."
"Okay. I'll call when I get out of work."
"Alright"
"Bye"

"Bye"

I don't consider that a chatty talk. She was TRYING, but I wasn't laughing with her. I was speaking rather directly to her.

Was that chatty?

Nope -- that was good.

Puppy

That was good. No more cake eating for her. Time for her to think about stuff. Are you praying for her? DO you have others praying for her?

What will you do if she calls, upset, about something? Finances, work, kids, etc. Be ready. She seeks you for her emotional support, and when she needs rescuing.

I deleted some words I had for you about B. Just know that I still believe you aren't showing seriousness about your desire for marriage when you hang out with her and call her often.

Wife called me at about 5, asking if the girls were ready to be picked up. I told her that we were still working on the piping and that the girls were all playing together. I really didn't want the wife to come over to the house.

I may have offered dinner or something.

"Well...I'm still at work."
"I'll take them back."
"Well, I'll be leaving. Just call me."
"Okay. S14 is at the apartment?"
"No, he went to the movies."
"Did he leave the Sprint phone?"
"Yes."
"I'll call when we're on the way."

We finished the job and watched a little football. At the end of the 3rd quarter of the Titans game, I called her and told her we were on our way. At the apartment, D11 asked if I was going to walk them in. I told her that I had to take their scooters in for them. We get inside D11 takes off to ride her Rip stick. Just a quick hello to her mom then off. D7 walks to her room. I gave a quick kiss and goodbye to D11 before she took off to the parking lot. I call D7 to come tell me goodbye. The wife starts to ask if its cold inside. I shake my head and then she says that she feels like having soup. I call out to D7 again. While waiting at the entry way, which is just behind her sofa, she sits down and asks,

"Hows work?"
"Scary."
She looks at me concerned, "Why?"
"Because its tough out there. A lot of people out there looking for a job. Management wants you to bust your hump and you have to perform or there is someone wanting your job."
She nods in agreement. D7 comes to me and we hug and then we play right where I'm standing. The phone rings and the wife answers it. Its S14 calling. I hear her ask him where he is, that he was supposed to be home by 6:30. Its sounded like he told her that he tried to call her at work. She asks him who he spoke to because no one told her.

"Why? I thought you had a ride....no, your taking advantage of me.....I just got home.....what?.....I can't hear you.....your breaking up.....look, give me a moment, let me finish cooking the chicken and then I'll go pick you up. Bye." She was frustrated.

D7 and I are still having fun with each other and laughing. When the wife hung up, she says "Sheesh, that kid", just TRYING to get me to ask the question, "What's the matter?"

I don't. I continue with D7. I start to tell her goodbye again. She tells D7 to put her jacket back on, that they have to leave.

"Oh, y'all are leaving?" I ask like I don't know.
"We have to pick up S14."
"I thought he had a ride."
"I thought so too, but he said that he was going to walk home, but it got too cold. Now he wants a ride."
"Where is he?"
"He's right here. The movies."
"I'll go get him and drop him off."
"You don't have to. Its just right here. You go the other way."
"I'll get him."
As I open the door, D11 comes in and I tell her goodbye again. I announce my goodbye and the girls and the wife tell me goodbye and then she tells me thanks you.

"bye" and I walk out. Pick up S14, get on his case a little about making his plans and that he shouldn't be walking such a long distance anyway. I drop him off and come home.

Gonna watch some more football and maybe make myself a steak.

I'm so glad I got to spend time with my girls. We had a really good time, especially D7 and I. My bud was outside doing all the work. I helped a little, but I would have been in the way more than not.

I shouldn't have picked up S14, but I just got the girls there and didn't want them going out again. D7 had already fallen asleep in my car on the way there. I didn't do it for the wife.

beej, I know what you were going to say. Believe me, B is not in the picture, just someone to talk to and pass the time.

What I do is not with saving my marriage in mind. Thats not my goal. I just want to save myself. At least, thats how I'm looking at it. I want her to realize that she made a mistake. I'm not going to say its out of the question, but I'm not looking at it as my goal anymore.

I was thinking yesterday and today. Back around July, we had a discussion. Basically, what it had come down to, she had reduced me down to "positives and negatives". She was piling up and naming the negatives on me. I'll never forget that. I think I'm going to frame that.

"It comes down to positives and negatives...."

If she calls me? Upset about something, or whatever. I don't know. What should I do? Blow her off? Tell her I don't want to hear it? Tell her to go talk to OM?

What would you suggest?

YOU SAID:

"What I do is not with saving my marriage in mind. Thats not my goal."

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Ok, I'm going to edit/add.....Before I have a hissy fit, tell me exactly what your goal is for you and your wife, and I'll try to help.

I have to think of it from a different angle, is what I was trying to say. Thinking of it from the "everything I do is to save my marriage" was wearing me down.

I'm thinking of it differently. If it happens, then it was meant to be. Focusing on "saving my marriage", no, focusing on me, yes.

Thats what I meant.