Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice IV

heh,

Well, for me, I must be living in Kevin Bacon's home town, because it is the epitamy of the saying 7 degrees of seperation, i can fin dout what my neighbors across the street (that I don't quite get along with) had for dinner on any given night if the right handful of people are asked. So I can't say anything anywhere.

AND, my 'housemate' had been and is trying get back to dating W's friend that she works with, one of two. 'Our' whole social network is tiny. So, I found not talking to her not only helped me get on with life for the time being by not focusing on the M, A, and OM, but, also since I didn't talk to her, I didn't have much to complain about to anyone. But yet that's all every one ever wanted to talk about, and damn it gets annoying.

You got that right. That's why i have a couple of other "social" networks starting. just to keep me dark. She knows nothing about me. Yet I am finding out now that the kids are getting questioned by her and even her "friends" when she is out of the room. Like what am I doing, who am I with, how have I been, does he talk about her/me....

I have to answer questions carefully. they get answered, but if i can get by with vague, then vague it is...

I say nothing negaitve about her or my situation. My kids know by looking at me how I am dealing with it. That's good enough right now. She wanted my son to put that cowel in the trash so I wouldn't see it, let's get real. she didn't leave me a note or call because she didn't want me to know. But, then she knew my son would know and he would tell me. I surprised her with my call. good. that I was first concerned about her welfare above everything else, good. then got onto business, good. I'm sure her head is going, well he seems to be concerned about me, then he asks me for money he knows I don't have, so whats going on? Good....If her whole life is about OM and she is in love with him and he is in love with her then why is she miserable? Stay tuned for next weeks episode....

Well, if she's anything like my W, and virtually every situation you describe sounds exactly the same, the two of them must own a hell of a lot of stock in Tums Antacids, mine was/is eating half a damn bottle of things daily. Why? Well, if what my W says now is true, that she misses me and thinks of me daily, then it's because she knows what she's doing is wrong and that deep down inside, her reasons to justify her actions are not valid.

Seems to me, yours just has to hit that wall, and in due time she will. I thought mine wasn't going to, in the last month I've gone into complete defense mode, planning to move out, packing, spending as much time as I can with the kids, etc. And I think that was a reality check, seeing all my stuff packed, seeing me boxed and ready to go, and that's exactly it, and that must have scared her back to reality or something, the fact that I WILL BE GONE.

I could be way off, who knows. I don't even think she knows yet, but at aeast she realised what she's losing out on. And again, if yours is anything like mine, one day she will wake up and ask herself what in the world am I thinking? No house, no car, no money, and a loveless R with someone she shouldn't be with in the first place.

Her crash is starting. Her car accident the other night, well I believe she hit something, but I think she hit something and took off because she was drinking. I think she may have hit a parked or broken down car. reason being, no police report filed. In Mass if the damage exceeds $1000, a report must be filed. there is none. If all this is true, she is in a very bad place right now. If I don't hear from her about my money by noon today, I will contact her Monday. Well look at it this way, now when she gets up everyday to go to work, to go to the store, to pick up my D, to go to OM she will see her life in that damaged car she is driving. And what happens when the spare tire blows?

enough about that. i asked very few questions last night, slept good, woke up calm. D went out with friends and was supposed to call me if she was sleeping at girlfriends, she never called, her ass is in a sling now with me...

Getting ready to head out to my cousins house and meet her husband and spend the day with them. My son wants me to watch my grandson overnight so he can take his fiance out to dinner and spend time alone with her. Told him it depends on when I get back. This will be the start of the "walk" for me. Couldn't really get going until I new W was OK and got hold of what really happened. I knew she wasn't telling me the truth about the accident. It was the proverbial black guy, in the black car , with the black dog....I have heard it way too many times to not know it when I hear it. But she is OK, and that is the most important thing. This will be one more thing for her to live with.

Well I'll check back later. DD I hope yur sitch is going OK, keep the faith and remember don't get lulled into a false situation, make sure he is gone before even considering anything she says.

Well the W came by to pick up D17 and take her over her friends. OM was driving her, my son showed up and told her she had better leave because I was going to be home soon. Nice, freakin nice, bringing that idiot to my house. He stayed in the car, but still that was rubbin my nose in it.

Had a nice visit with my cousin. We are going to get together and go out soon . her husband is real nice. Hope everyone's New Year is going good.

I never bring him up, but she is the one getting negative feedback about him from everyone else, not me. I say nothing. trust me, I hold my tongue plenty. Liek tonight, when I heard he was here picking up my D17 with her, trust, the term Ape Sh45 came to light. I said nothing. It hurts like hell he was here parked in front of my house. I feel violated. I really do, that no good POS in front of my house!!! No I am doing what I need to do, I am db'ng, I am everything all the books say I should be , I am on the road He wants me on. I am all of these things. Own up to my part, done that 10 fold but again, none of this is really about me or anything other than her, that was the hard part. Am I a better person, God knows I am, everyone who knows me knows I am, Do I xcare if she thinks so, not particularly, because I don't hinestly think that whuile she is in love with someone else that it really doesn't matter. I am who I am for me, for the people who love me and the people I love, thats it....

Sorry I sounded jumpy, reread and knew you weere posting Dday. But everything I posted is true. And if I stay the course, maybe my outcome is the same as his appears. Would be nice, but knowing she was here, with him, picking up my D17, well tahnk God I have church tomorrow.

LD,

well said and well done. But I disagree with one comment you made--- she is not "in love" with OM. I mean, please... We who have been through the fires and the triumphs of family life, and raising children (including when they were sick in the middle of the night, or broke their arm, or won an award or a race...) and working at jobs, on our homes, over years of time...we know what love is. It's a choice, an action verb that requires sacrifice, and it is a series of acts born of truly knowing another person and wishing them the best... Though we have not loved perfectly, we want to.

The OP is rarely "the real love of their life" but is...something else. Not always sure exactly what that means b/c although each "A" has some things in common, they are also unique. I hate to oversimplify and generalize. Plus, in my more "englightened" and forgiving moments, I see that the WASs are not always just being selfish and evil...seriously, a lot of WAS (and or MLCers) are in tremendous pain, and not sure what the hell to do, Whether they can "un-do" anything or should. Often knowing they're inflicting pain on innocents, yet acting like bulls in a China closet emotionally...careening from one disaster to another and not being able to get themselves back on the road to health and love. Inner issues or baggage from their childhoods that never got addressed, or flaws they used to have a handle on, but now are flourishing...lots of confusion...

So, I get a little wary when someone says "that's exactly what my H- does", and joins in the "blame them" game. Or if someone spends all their time venting negatively (which IS helpful to do HERE[/i]...) to the point that they keep themselves angry and hurt pretty much 24/7 with brief respites of painfree time, just enough to rest and then get on another 'binge' of fury a few days later. Basically, the anger at some point, will hinder our recovery. Which slows or prevents our own happiness. And then, it really does become a self inflicted wound at some point.

[i]I am from a large family. One sister was divorced in '95 (h left her for OW and married the OW and has a kid with her, etc) and she is still hurt and angry and never got over it. Although I can safely say that my sister did contribute some to her marriage's end, I cannot say that she believes any of that. She's afraid to look within, b/c she may fear she is as worthless as her low self esteem suggests? I don't know, I'm not a shrink. But she lacks self awareness, yet is great with others' and their problems. I honestly think she believes her first M ended ALL b/c of the OW and the h changing into a bad guy. So, when I hear her complain at this point of her life, [i]over a decade later, ( considering that I'm female and she's my own sister, trust me when I say she got a good financial deal...) she complains about her finances...Hmmm, where was I? Oh yeah, she will periodically complain b/c compared to what she had when married to her first h, she isn't wealthy. But compared to 90% of LBS women/mothers, she has it great AND for God's sake, it has been nearly 14 years now. SHE has inflicted a bitter negative outlook onto herself, the glass is half empty all the time (or "if it's filled, watch it, it'll spill any minute") and she has become someone UN-fun to be around. Her social circle gets smaller by the year. And that makes her even sadder and angrier and it's still all the x's fault...

Though her h was unfair and unkind and dishonest, and even if she had been perfect...how long can anyone blame their X for their misery ? Is there a statute of limitations? We all agree that At some point, we have to take responsibility for letting go of our parent's deficits and act like adults. Same goes for WAS's...at some point, the LBSer has to go on with LIFE and live it well. Unfair things happen. All the time & all over the world.


Sorry to hijack with a story of analogy but it may help here.... My last pregnancy was difficult, though not really life threatening.. (Super inconvenient, bedrest for weeks, etc). One night, after a gloomy week of rainy weather, I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself, when I finally saw a full moon. I realized that there were literally millions of women who were pregnant at that moment too. Some of them could see the same moon... But the reality is that Most of them were not laying in beds looking out of windows, and most were not wondering about how loudly their husbands snored. In fact, realistically, many were alone, wondering if their husbands were ever coming home, or if they were alive. They were not wondering about what to cook for dinner the next night, but whether there'd be any food at all in the hut they shared with 5 others. They weren't able to be in "bed rest" as I was, b/c they had mats of straw to sleep on that were unclean, and they were not worried about whether getting an epidural was the route to go; or if their favorite physician would be on call at the hospital they'd give birth in; they were wondering if they'd be giving birth indoors at all, without any enemies attacking, or the monsoon flooding... It was one of those "aha" moments when I wanted to slap myself. I was embarrassed.

And though a broken heart is a terrible blow to anyone, fellows, pardon this tiny 2 x 4, but really, in the grand scheme of things, do you see how valuable your lives are? How much you have going FOR you?

As gimmicky as it sounds, it might help you to spend 10 minutes a day (or an hour or more??) thinking of what a man's life is like in one of the countries that make up so much of our world. The 3rd world is a lot bigger than ours...

good luck Gentlemen, and don't think I'm poo pooing your pain. It's painful but touching to read, and I am moved by your words. But I thought you could use a little feedback of the other type, so you know that in the "real world" you have a whole lot going for you in life. Oh, did I mention your healthy children who love you? And the honor with which you've conducted yourself in front of them???

Not bad, guys, not bad at all.
j-

LD,

well said and well done. But I disagree with one comment you made--- she is not "in love" with OM. I mean, please... We who have been through the fires and the triumphs of family life, and raising children (including when they were sick in the middle of the night, or broke their arm, or won an award or a race...) and working at jobs, on our homes, over years of time...we know what love is. It's a choice, an action verb that requires sacrifice, and it is a series of acts born of truly knowing another person and wishing them the best... Though we have not loved perfectly, we want to.

The OP is rarely "the real love of their life" but is...something else. Not always sure exactly what that means b/c although each "A" has some things in common, they are also unique. I hate to oversimplify and generalize. Plus, in my more "englightened" and forgiving moments, I see that the WASs are not always just being selfish and evil...seriously, a lot of WAS (and or MLCers) are in tremendous pain, and not sure what the hell to do, Whether they can "un-do" anything or should. Often knowing they're inflicting pain on innocents, yet acting like bulls in a China closet emotionally...careening from one disaster to another and not being able to get themselves back on the road to health and love. Inner issues or baggage from their childhoods that never got addressed, or flaws they used to have a handle on, but now are flourishing...lots of confusion...

So, I get a little wary when someone says "that's exactly what my H- does", and joins in the "blame them" game. Or if someone spends all their time venting negatively (which IS helpful to do HERE[/i]...) to the point that they keep themselves angry and hurt pretty much 24/7 with brief respites of painfree time, just enough to rest and then get on another 'binge' of fury a few days later. Basically, the anger at some point, will hinder our recovery. Which slows or prevents our own happiness. And then, it really does become a self inflicted wound at some point.

[i]I am from a large family. One sister was divorced in '95 (h left her for OW and married the OW and has a kid with her, etc) and she is still hurt and angry and never got over it. Although I can safely say that my sister did contribute some to her marriage's end, I cannot say that she believes any of that. She's afraid to look within, b/c she may fear she is as worthless as her low self esteem suggests? I don't know, I'm not a shrink. But she lacks self awareness, yet is great with others' and their problems. I honestly think she believes her first M ended ALL b/c of the OW and the h changing into a bad guy. So, when I hear her complain at this point of her life, [i]over a decade later, ( considering that I'm female and she's my own sister, trust me when I say she got a good financial deal...) she complains about her finances...Hmmm, where was I? Oh yeah, she will periodically complain b/c compared to what she had when married to her first h, she isn't wealthy. But compared to 90% of LBS women/mothers, she has it great AND for God's sake, it has been nearly 14 years now. SHE has inflicted a bitter negative outlook onto herself, the glass is half empty all the time (or "if it's filled, watch it, it'll spill any minute") and she has become someone UN-fun to be around. Her social circle gets smaller by the year. And that makes her even sadder and angrier and it's still all the x's fault...

Though her h was unfair and unkind and dishonest, and even if she had been perfect...how long can anyone blame their X for their misery ? Is there a statute of limitations? We all agree that At some point, we have to take responsibility for letting go of our parent's deficits and act like adults. Same goes for WAS's...at some point, the LBSer has to go on with LIFE and live it well. Unfair things happen. All the time & all over the world.


Sorry to hijack with a story of analogy but it may help here.... My last pregnancy was difficult, though not really life threatening.. (Super inconvenient, bedrest for weeks, etc). One night, after a gloomy week of rainy weather, I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself, when I finally saw a full moon. I realized that there were literally millions of women who were pregnant at that moment too. Some of them could see the same moon... But the reality is that Most of them were not laying in beds looking out of windows, and most were not wondering about how loudly their husbands snored. In fact, realistically, many were alone, wondering if their husbands were ever coming home, or if they were alive. They were not wondering about what to cook for dinner the next night, but whether there'd be any food at all in the hut they shared with 5 others. They weren't able to be in "bed rest" as I was, b/c they had mats of straw to sleep on that were unclean, and they were not worried about whether getting an epidural was the route to go; or if their favorite physician would be on call at the hospital they'd give birth in; they were wondering if they'd be giving birth indoors at all, without any enemies attacking, or the monsoon flooding... It was one of those "aha" moments when I wanted to slap myself. I was embarrassed.

And though a broken heart is a terrible blow to anyone, fellows, pardon this tiny 2 x 4, but really, in the grand scheme of things, do you see how valuable your lives are? How much you have going FOR you?

As gimmicky as it sounds, it might help you to spend 10 minutes a day (or an hour or more??) thinking of what a man's life is like in one of the countries that make up so much of our world. The 3rd world is a lot bigger than ours...

good luck Gentlemen, and don't think I'm poo pooing your pain. It's painful but touching to read, and I am moved by your words. But I thought you could use a little feedback of the other type, so you know that in the "real world" you have a whole lot going for you in life. Oh, did I mention your healthy children who love you? And the honor with which you've conducted yourself in front of them???

Not bad, guys, not bad at all.
j-