Jeff, You are doing great. Do not allow thoughts of om to take up head space. Keep the communication lines open, just as you have been doing. I see progress being made here. I only caution you on this, keep your expectations at zero, do not get too hasty in jumping the hurdles w/her. She needs to feel safe and wants to be allowed to make her own decisions. Listen, validate and above all else be a true friend to her.
Good luck w/your cleaning venture!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well this morning she got up early and was running around the house getting ready to leave for the day. Yesterday she said she was going to be running around all day today. Last night she said she was going to be up early. So I get up in the morning because I couldn't sleep any more and she was heading out the door, with her snow shoes and new ski boots. She was surprised to see me up and said what are you doing up? I said , couldn't sleep anymore I had a good sleep. I asked her a quick opinion about something I was going to hang and she left for the day, I told her to have fun,she said thanks.
Now she didn't mention what she was doing even though she had the boots and snow shoes, it was almost like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. I hope she doesn't think I was checking on her, but I tried not to give a reaction I hope I acted as if it was nothing. The way she articulated her day last night was that she was just running around getting stuff done.
No matter how hard I try not to think about who she is going with it still creeps into my mind. Oh well she still was cheerful about saying goodbye when I see her tomorrow I won't even mention it and just focus on our day of skiing.
I guess it is the trust thing still and that is what hurts. I realized how valuable just being able to trust someone is and the comfort in that. Until we have trust it will be hard to relax completely.
It's not that she went skiing but the fact that she couldn't just tell me.
Last edited by Jeff3; 01/10/0901:10 PM.
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
it was almost like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. I hope she doesn't think I was checking on her, but I tried not to give a reaction I hope I acted as if it was nothing. No matter how hard I try not to think about who she is going with it still creeps into my mind.
This is funny when it happens. Remember....teenager right now.
As far as stuff like this creeping in your head...It happens. Try to focus on you. I have to tell ya, you are doing awesome with all this. It's very hard to keep the expectations in check, but we must.
Nothing happens quickly in MCLville. One day at a time. Focus on the positives.
[Nothing happens quickly in MCLville. One day at a time. Focus on the positives.] [/quote]
You are right I just have to remember we are friends right now. I guess I just have to focus on the positive. I can't help but think about the conversation the other night when she was talking about what we should do to the house. It felt comfortable. I get the feeling sometimes that she is looking elsewhere to see if it compares to what she has in me. I guess this makes it even more important that I be consistant.
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
The changes you've made in yourself must be true and consistent. The changes you've made must be permanent and for you. You can never revert back to the "old" Jeff ever again. If the changes are only to get her back, she will know it.
Allow her to talk, listen and validate. No questioning her about what she's talking about, the house, relationship, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I truly feel my attitude toward her has changed and I have been doing alot self examination. I realize that my responses to her in the past have been negative and angry. This ADHD thing really comes into play and now that I have been reading up on it I feel more compassion for her than anger. I am trying to focus my response and actions on what she needs. I am now getting stuff done around the house that I put off.
With an ADHD mind it can get pretty cluttered and hard to focus so...I am keeping the house clean etc. so that it is one less thing to create chaos in her mind. Last night she got frustrated and said she forgot to do the cat litter all week. I told her don't worry I took care of it, and went to bed. Things like that I am hoping will provide a connection.
I keep joking if it doesn't work with my wife the next woman will sure benefit from the changes I made.
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
These changes and new attitudes are for me and funny enough it has released some pressure in my own mind about what she is/has been doing. I have forgiven her (i have not told her)in my own mind). Still not easy.
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
It is sort of a hidden blessing in a way when it comes to how this changes you. I could deal without all this, but I have to tell you I like who I am becoming. I have noticed in your posts too Jeff, You are stronger.
