Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Time for me to change....scared as Hell! 2

Honestly Dawn, it's more like the need to "damb" him for doing what he is doing. to somehow make it right, one way or another. To stop him and to say "whoa you can't do that to me!" Never to get attention. The negative he can keep to himself.

thanks for the applause

keep up the good work.....it work! yes it hurts we all feel the pain you are goig thru..we have all walked in your shoes.

You will learn, hopefully ARE learning, that this is not possible.


I am a teacher. I teach 8th graders thru seniors in high school. My 8th graders, boys in particular, can be very difficult when they want to be. Something about that age is very full of testing and challenging things around them.

When I call these boys on their behavior, I RARELY get a positive response from them. I can count on one hand the number of times in 13 years of teaching that I have had a kid say "Gosh Mr. W, I'm sorry I was such a butthead. You're right, I was making really wrong decisions."

It just does not happen.

Your husband must wrestle with his demons on his own. And you must tackle yours on your own.

You cannot change him. And you cannot truly make him feel guilty for the path he has chosen.

I want you to think about the intestinal fortitude that it takes for a person to work themselves up to the position of walking out of a marriage. Despite how we might feel about their decisions/actions, we must at least admire that they were bold enough to take a step that they KNEW would produce a catastrophic reaction out of those close to them.

Do you honestly believe that, having built himself up inside to the point of being able to walk away and cheat, that he is going to moved by YOUR opinion of his actions?


All he will do is avoid you at best, resent you at worst.

Condemnation does NOT lead to reconciliation.

If you honestly still love this man, if you still have dreams inside that one day things between you will be made right, consider this...

every time you throw his actions in his face, you chip away at any possibility of reconciliation.

Every time.

Some damage has already been done.


You think your husbands actions make it so that there is MUCH for the two of you to fix before you can have a normal marriage again??

What about YOUR actions to him.


I don't say this to condemn you. I say this to again try to convince you that this pattern you have of pulling back (as you should) but then responding hatefully to him out of your hurt is actually putting MORE distance between the two of you and making it LESS likely that there can ever be a reconciliation.


I am not excusing him. His actions are wrong and hurtful.


But you reminding him of it, you damning him for them...none of that serves the ultimate goal that you have. Even worse, it actually sets BACK your ultimate goal.


You are doing well recently. You are making GOOD decisions. They still hurt, of course they do. But they are NECESSARY. Necessary for YOUR emotional health, and necessary if there is ever to be a chance for the two of you one day.


There is a very good reason why those who post to you have consistently hammered you with 2x4's. We have been trying to get you to see that acting out of your HURT and EMOTIONS has actually caused further harm to the relationship between the two of you.


You are supposed to be the rational and sane one.

You are supposed to be the one who holds things together until and if he comes back to his senses.

You are the glue.

You are the lighthouse.

You must STOP indulging yourself by acting out when you feel slighted and abandoned. It's time that you finally accepted that you are NOT first in his life right now. DEAL WITH THAT, and begin making decisions about things you CAN affect, and leave the other things alone.


You are now on THAT path. You need to STAY there.


Blessings,

Bill

Word Up!! {I work in a highschool,too.}

If you honestly still love this man, with all my heart... if you still have dreams inside that one day things between you will be made right, I pray for this every day...consider this...

every time you throw his actions in his face, you chip away at any possibility of reconciliation. I now know your right

Every time.

Some damage has already been done. I pray not too much...

You are supposed to be the rational and sane one. Hard to be after all we've BOTH done
You are supposed to be the one who holds things together until and if he comes back to his senses.

You are the glue.

You are the lighthouse.

I feel we are both shattered now and there will be no puting the "us" back together. We'll be lucky at this point to fix the "me"

You must STOP indulging yourself by acting out when you feel slighted and abandoned. It's time that you finally accepted that you are NOT first in his life right now. I finally accepted that Last saturday night. DEAL WITH THAT, each and every moment of every day...and begin making decisions about things you CAN affect, and leave the other things alone.


You are now on THAT path. You need to STAY there.
Not planning on going anywhere, not yet

TOH sounds like you are having some awakenings yourself. Bworl posted excellent advice for you.

Life doesn't end without your h. You just will have a new and different life.

God still performs miracles today, but you have to have faith.

Faith and lots of patience are the keys here.

It does take time, that's for sure!

talk to me someone...

this NC is so really hard, as many of you know. It's hard to believe that it is "what's right". It's hard for me to just let him be. I miss him, I want to know how he is, what's going on. And yet, he obviously doesn't want to see me or talk to me. He obviously doesn't care about me at all. Hard to swallow but have to accept. And I am.

I really don't get why all of a sudden he is gone. No calls, no stopping by, no nothing??? It's like after ALL that has happened. In an instant it is over.

TOH,
It's not over just because you've not heard from him or seen him. It's part of the journey for them. They can disappear for hours, days and even weeks before they pop out again. Depression and replay work hand in hand and they are off into their own little world. Their minds become mushy and a mixed up jumble of emotions. They forget time and actually time stands still for them in their world. When the fog lifts just a little bit, he'll be back around to make contact. They all do it in their own little way. He may use an excuse to come by like a bill or helping with the farm, etc., or just checking on you and/or your children. But when he does make contact, be nice, friendly and happy to see him. Do not ask where he's been. Follow his lead.

NC was extremely difficult for me, because I was a lot like you, i.e., wanting to know where he was, what he was up to, etc., but I had to learn, just as you are now, that the best thing you can do is just leave them alone and accept them for who they are today, not the person that they were when they walked out the door a while ago. I had to learn how to judge his moods and follow his lead, which was never in my nature to follow any one's lead, but you will learn just as I did.

Your h does care about you, but it's stuffed way down because of his emotional stunting at an early age that has come to the top. You just have to have faith and patience when dealing w/them when they are like this. It's hard, but please put your faith in God, yourself and your marriage. Your h is just going through a growing up stage and requires lots of space, time and patience. I know you are still expecting him to be a certain way and it's not going to be that way for a very long time. The man he may grow up to be may be just the way you want him; he could have picked up some traits during his crisis mixed in with the normal h; or he could be an @sshole that you don't want to deal w/ever again. Turn the oven up on 350 and just let him bake for a while. You do not want him back until he is completely baked up.

How is your painting going? Any special interest projects in the works?

Toh, Come on now, where did your resolve go? how long has it been? wobbling already? NOT Good! Don,t call ,email, text nothing. You can do this we all do it at some point.
READ and then READ again Bill's post.
Keep busy, hows the painting.
Your H is long gone, I am sorry but right now he does not care.
It has not happened in an instant really, it's been a slow and painful death.
Keep busy, block those thoughts, loose your phone, turn the electic off whatever you have to do to keep away from contacting him.
Sorry this may not have been the "talk to me someone " you had in mind but there it is.
Now what are YOU doing for YOU in YOUR LIFE today?