Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

Hey Dawn

Hows things? Its good that you are trying to make it to church (did you, on Sunday?). Did you get to do baking with your friend Lynne too? I guess there are no more H sightings...thinking of you

Al xxx

I have been reading a little here and there on the boards, but not posting...I've been so sleep-deprived over the last few weeks that I would literally fall asleep every few sentences while typing. This has not been good for my business...but I did finally get my extreme procrastination of late under *some* control and got caught up with my work, finally, and am on a more normal pace with it now.

Hey, Ali, thanks for checking on me. No, I didn't make it to church last Sunday (hope to this weekend, though), but I did bake with Lynn...sugar cookies, yum! They didn't last long...I didn't even get them frosted, 'cause I couldn't stop eating them! I also made four pumpkin pies, special family recipe, and gave one to Lynn and her H, one to my neighbors who have helped me so much lately, and have been working my way through the other two, with much smacking of the lips!

No contact at all with H in two weeks now (not since voice mail exchange while I was out of town). It's been almost 3 weeks since I saw/spoke with him, and almost 4 weeks since he moved out. The only evidence I have that he's still alive is that messages periodically get moved around in our joint email account, and also most of the bills still come here, so I see the paper trails of the great masses of money he has been spending. I can't imagine that he can sustain this sort of thing financially. He's already cashing in life-insurance policies that his parents bought for him when he was young, and borrowing from his retirement funds, to pay for his current activities. I don't know how he plans to keep this up. I AM happy I don't have to listen to him complaining about finances right now, though. Maybe OW will be more sympathetic. Or maybe she will realize that he doesn't have the financial resources to be her sugar daddy indefinitely. Of course, she's only 23. I was pretty naive when I was that age, myself.

My mom was asking me last night what I was going to do about seeing that my cats are taken care of while I'm at her house for a couple of days over Christmas, and I told her either I would check with Lynn to see if it would be okay for her to stop in, or I would just make sure they had plenty of food and water, since I will only be gone for two days, and they will be okay for that length of time. She suggested having H look in on them (his family is mostly local, so he probably wouldn't be going out of town on Christmas, unless things are moving really fast with OW). She seemed surprised when I said "NO!" to the idea of asking H to stop in. I explained that I was leaving H strictly alone to give us both some space, and also to give him the opportunity to begin realizing that I am not actually the source of all the misery in his life. I don't think she really understands why I am doing NC, but she accepts my decisions.

So...I wish I had posted yesterday, when I was feeling pretty good, thinking that my ADs were working nicely. I had gotten myself completely strung out from lack of sleep over the last few weeks, but I finally started turning it around the night before last, and got to bed at 1 a.m. (which is the earliest I've been to bed in two months), and got about 10 hours of sleep. I felt a lot better just because of that. But then last night I stayed up later than I should again, although it was still dark when I went to bed (unlike a lot of days in the recent past), but then I woke up upset repeatedly--four nightmares in a row that had to do with H. I got to the point that I was almost afraid to fall asleep again. I have a history of nightmares, but not usually this many in one night. And I haven't had as many in the last year and a half or so as before, which I think is because my nightmares are happening while I'm wide awake these days. So, anyway, my upsetting night is my take on the reason I'm feeling sad and sorry for myself again today, and yesterday's good mood has completely evaporated.

So, yesterday I felt kinda strong and courageous and almost happy. Today I feel sad and hopeless and tired and overwhelmed. Angry, as I feel a lot these days. I have studied the stages of grief, and I know that I whizzed through denial and bargaining, but have spent enormous amounts of time cycling between anger and depression. I don't think I am anywhere near acceptance yet.

I also pray every day about forgiveness, but it seems totally out of my reach. I did finally figure out that a big part of my problem is that I feel like forgiving H means that in some sense, what he has done is okay. And it is definitely NOT okay in my mind. I finally just started saying to God, "Okay, I can't forgive him on my own. I know I have to do it somehow or other, but I simply can't figure out how to do this by myself. I'm totally stuck. If this is going to happen, I need your help. I'm handing this off to you to take care of, because I simply can't manage it by myself." Usually I try to control most things on my own, so this is a real switch for me.

I wish I could be more positive right now. However, I've noticed that the worse I feel, the more I am compelled to journal/post, so my writing may reflect a more uniformly pessimistic mindset than what is actually true of me in the long run, although the way I write is reflective of how I feel at that moment.

I have now reached the point at which I am sick of "listening" to myself, which tells me it's definitely time to quit writing. I hope I have something more positive to say next time. Thank you all for reading and supporting and advising me.

Peace,
Dawn

Oh yeah, I wanted to add that I have been watching the Christmas cards coming in. We used to send them out every year, with individual notes in each one. During difficult times in our M we haven't sent them, so none have gone out for several years now. I haven't actually done a comparison, but I am sure there are a lot fewer cards arriving this year than in any previous year.

I can tell to a certain extent who does/doesn't know about H leaving by who has sent cards here (they have all been addressed to both of us so far). I know of certain people H has told about our sitch, and no cards have shown up from any of them. Others I wasn't sure if he had told or not, so I am seeing who sends a card to us here, and who doesn't that normally would. Interestingly enough, the first two cards to show up, a week or so into December, were from H's dad and brother, so I guess he really hasn't told them he's moved out (that's what he said, but I don't believe a word he says any more without corroborating evidence). I can't help but wonder what he told them about why I wasn't with him when he met with them for Thanksgiving, three days after he moved out. We have ALWAYS attended holiday family gatherings together since we got married, so this is a first.

I have probably spent more time composing this post than I have spent thinking about the topic otherwise, so I don't think I'm actually as hung up on this as it might seem, but it is a point of interest. I'm trying to figure out what to do about the few phone calls and mail that come in for him, without breaking NC. I guess I feel like if he really cared about this stuff, he would contact me...but it's also entirely possible that he figures I will contact him if I think it's something he needs to know about. Which is true, although I have raised the bar considerably for judging "what he needs to know about."

Oh, to hack with him. I'm just sick of thinking about him and what he has done or might be doing and how he has treated me.

Yep, not one of my better PMA days.

Peace,
Dawn

Hi, Dawn.

Just dropping by to let you know you are not alone in your struggles. I too have been really down. It's a daily battle to get out of bed. (Hey, that's sort of funny. You can't get to bed and I can't get out of it! )

Anyway, I'm so ready for this year to be over!! Here's hoping 2009 will be better! There's really no way to go but up, right?

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I agree! I'm ready for 2009 & I hope it will be a better year!

I have problems getting to bed & also getting out of bed.

I feel your pain & struggle! We have to keep praying!

This is a very hard season.

(((HUGS)))

Sometimes I just wish I could go to bed and sleep for the next year, ya know? Wake me when it's over!!

OH YEAH!!! I don't *think* I'm in denial, but it would sure be nice to wake up and find that this was all in the past, wouldn't it? I'm not sure a year would be long enough, though!

Peace,
Dawn

Okay, maybe I'm in denial after all. If I hadn't held the form in my hand and seen it in black and white, I'm not sure I'd believe this. I just went through today's mail. I've always opened everything that's addressed to both of us, or anything that looks business-y that's addressed just to H, so I can cut down on the amount of stuff he needs to deal with, and he has never objected to this (anything that looks personal and is addressed solely to him I leave unopened). Today there was an envelope that was labeled "about your student loan" and addressed to H. With a mixture of dread and confusion, since H hasn't been a student in about 13 years, since finishing his master's degree (which was paid for by his company anyway), I opened it, per usual policy. The form told him, "Thank you for co-signing a student loan for (OW's name)" and reiterated that they are both equally responsible for paying it back.

!?!?!!!!!

Okay, I know it's not like they bought a house together or something, but... I was on the phone with my mother when I opened this, and was too shocked to restrain myself from mentioning it. She said, "He's acting like her father!" I said, "I KNOW!" She asked about OW's parents, and I explained that I know nothing whatsoever about them. (I'm guessing that they aren't much older than H, assuming they're living, but that isn't particularly relevant here.)

I still think it's odd that he gave this address, meaning I was bound to find out sooner or later, whether I tried to or not (I didn't; I haven't been snooping, and this totally blindsided me). My mother pointed out that this had probably been in process since before he moved, but still...maybe he figures since I haven't said anything about any of his other shenanigans since shortly after the bomb, it wouldn't matter if I found out or not.

I'll probably settle down about this pretty soon, because it's just another step in the trend, but I can't help but wonder if it will ever turn around, or will just keep on going in this direction and get worse and worse. I knew I wasn't fully detached, so this has thrown me for a loop. I'm more angry than anything else, but I don't entirely know what to do about it. I'm certainly not going to confront him about it, and not going to talk to a lot of people about it. I'm trying to talk about him as little as possible in RL, and when I do, to be positive or neutral (mostly the best I can manage is neutral).

I feel like one of those Weebles toys. Anybody remember those? "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down"? They were basically punching bags, with a rounded bottom so they were self-righting a moment after they were whacked and knocked over. Sometimes I think H thinks of me as his punching bag...although I don't think he's deliberately trying to hurt me. But it hurts anyway.

Time for bed now.

Peace,
Dawn

If he is unable to pay it back, will they call you?

Wow Dawn, that sucks. Once again you can't stop the behavior. I find it unbelievable what they get themselves into. Now you said Dawn that he came into some money recently, do you think he got some from this student loan?

Sorry this is all happening to you.