Quoting cfronk: It was very disappointing but then he's always talked to me like that...nothing has changed.
I had posted yesterday in my thread about the whole changing thing (in separation).
IMHO, you can't expect him to change. You loved him and wanted to be with him even when he was a jerk, right? My ex-b has things about him that drive me up the wall. But this whole DB thing is about us and how we can change and then it makes positive changes (hopefully) in our R's. Maybe you did that for standing up for yourself.
We have to be the ones to change - we are the ones that are looking to have our R's back. I don't expect ex-b to change at all - except if he wants me back, to commit fully to me. That is pretty much it. I'd love it if he talked to me also when problems came up. But I don't expect that he'll change, even on things that irritate the heck out of me.
Yes, I agree about the changing. Only I can do that for me thus improve the R. But (yes there is one of those) he continues to maintain that he's not going to change. He's planning on moving far away. It seems like the harder I try to be the 'new' me the worse he gets. I think I just need to totally detach for a long time. He's going to move so then there will not be that much contact between us. I really think I need to call it quits. I'm tired of dealing with someone that has no remorse or consideration for my feelings nor our kids feelings. He seeks no help though he has been this way for many many years. He's very obviously moved on with his life. I'm just sitting here funneling money to the attorney while I wait for someone that treats me like crap.
Only you can know if you feel you need to pull the plug. I have gone through one D and would never recommend it to anyone unless they were being abused or something. It sucks.
Detaching is a good thing, though. And if you feel you can't be with him again, there is support here.
Thanks. The thought of how traumatic divorce is is what is keeping me from actually finalizing our papers. I don't want to go there. I think cutting all contact for a while will be good for right now.
His mom, who has married 3 times says that divorce is not the answer. She's been encouraging me to hang in there. But it's so tough so see someone you love be willing to hurt you repeatedly and not even be sorry.
Thanks for your support. I feel a lot more grounded today than I did yesterday....thanks mostly to all the responses I got yesterday from this board. I hated him so much yesterday...today I feel sad for him and pray he'll be able to come out of this funk he's in and be the h I know God wants him to be.
Detaching right now will probably be a very good thing from you - cutting off some contact, etc. I think it's good you aren't jumping into D yet. This is such a great support place to vent everything, I had gone through some really rough times earlier this year and I am so thankful - and things right now are going really well for me, much in part because of this board.
What is your situation? How are things going well? Do you have lots of contact with H? My H is fine not seeing me until he needs some then he calls. I must not be db'ing very well I guess for him not to want to see me any other time outside of sex. He says he loves me but he doesn't think being married is the right thing to do.
Let me know what is working for you...maybe I could try that instead !
Quoting cfronk: What is your situation? How are things going well? Do you have lots of contact with H? My H is fine not seeing me until he needs some then he calls. I must not be db'ing very well I guess for him not to want to see me any other time outside of sex. He says he loves me but he doesn't think being married is the right thing to do.
Let me know what is working for you...maybe I could try that instead !
Well, I'm here over an ex-b. Over 3 years, 2 years living together. I thought we were heading for marriage.
Last October, heard ILYBNILWY. Had moments as late as January where he thought maybe we could stay together and work on it. February I moved out, I didn't know that an ex-g (and then platonic friend of his) was coming to stay from overseas. She isn't a nice person, I won't go into all the stuff she does but she is a user. She became OW, but she isn't here so he doesn't see her much. Not sure he has time to talk to her much either. Stuff was still strained until maybe 6 weeks ago, around July 4th - we have our moments, but things have gotten much better since then. We see each other more, we talk a LOT more - even in late June I was telling him he could call and stuff on the way home from work and he got irritated of me saying it (I guess I was nagging). Now he calls me often. In mid-June he said he was uncomfortable with me wanting him sexually, but we've continued that sort of relationship again, with him initiating the first time on July 4th (all other times since Feb were initiated by me). He has initiated a few times since then, including last week. Though nearly a month ago he said how could we be friends if I kept wanting him (something like that, though he'd initiated the couple of times previous to that).
It gets confusing. But we talk a lot, we IM a lot, he pulls away on some things and gets closer on others. I have just tried giving him space, getting my own life and letting him talk a lot about work and whatever he wants to talk about. I don't talk about the R, I don't snoop, I don't do any of that stuff. The closest to a R talk we have had - about a month ago, was when he was pulling away and said that friends thing. I did say he was still the guy I wanted to marry. He may have been uncomfortable with that, but he didn't pull away the next day either like I thought he might.
There are times he'll say he is doing something intentionally - like witholding this greeting he does online - because it had been part of our R. That hurt a lot, that was a couple of weeks ago. But at the same time, he calls me by the nickname he always used - he has initiated, he does other things also that were part of our R. So who knows.
The most important thing is that if things went downhill again (and it was really bad earlier this year) - like if OW was here, I could detach pretty quickly and move away emotionally from him. So really it couldn't go too far downhill, because I'd pull the plug extremely quickly. I want him to remember the good stuff we are doing now, not fighting and hurtful stuff like before.
! 
Over 3 years, 2 years living together. I thought we were heading for marriage.