Guilty? Embarassed? Ashamed? BBJ, you have no reason in the world to feel this way. We all have our opinions which we form by hearing one person's side of the story (in this case you). At the end of the day, you are the one at the front lines. Am I surprised that you would even entertain continuing with Dan....yes. Am I surprised that Dan seems to have had a change of heart.....no. I do not think you will find many posters who like Dan....but you are his spouse not us. I refuse to judge you or anybody else on these boards.
I agree with John, what we have all been trying to say to you, others in a more harsh way than some, is that if you want this Marriage, you at least have to try a different approach.
What you have been doing so far, hasnt worked. It is difficult to see that when you are "in" the situation, it's easier for us being "outside".
You seem to be ruled by fear. Fear that if you let go, he will too. The question to ask yourself is, if your desire to hold on to this marriage is enough to make it work, if Dan doesnt share it also. xxx K
Decided to stop in before my long overdue nap time and then the dentist.
it is not suddenly gonna come together ..as the story line of your most recent post kind of unintentionally had a ring to it like that ..to me anyway ..the hopeless romantic that I have the capability of being.
Intense Counseling is what has been and still is in order for this R of your's and his to ever experience any true joy as adults.
It seems that in order for you to retrieve really joyous and true times you have to go back quite aways to your youthful innocence. I am not suggesting to not be hopeful. Cuz where hope is depleted and lost it is to be found again from our Savior. He is true. He is right. He is love in its purest form. And I will be praying that Dan will be taught about love from the founder of it ..Jesus. That will be the next prayer as a part of the ongoing PD! Un-ceasing PD! For your sake and so that the rest of us can share in your triumph, I will ask Him with a pretty please w/ sugar on top if He can expedite that a bit for you and your family.
We want you to be happy. We want him to be nice to you. If you are happy, and getting what you want, we are happy for you. Certainly, fixing your family is better than tossing it out and starting a new one. Maybe he has realized that too. I think if you could get into MC to solidify the changes, that would be good. As always, I am pulling for you!
I kind of like what you are doing. Here's what I think! We don't know why Dan is doing what he is doing, but I'm not sure that is really important right now. I'm kind of thinking even if he is "playing a game", he might just find out that he likes the results. It seems that it could turn out to be "faking it 'til you make it" in reverse, without him even realizing it! I'd like to think that his time driving through Texas (now THAT's a lot of fun!) gave him some time to think, and to realize that there are not a lot of BBJ's around, and that he is really fortunate to have one that loves him! Keep you expectations low, and your eyes open!
Thanks everyone for your feedback. I feel like I am looking at the situation through a kaleidoscope, every time I try to see it it looks different to me...
Jeff, he drove straight through from San Antonio to Glenwood on Saturday/Sunday. He could have stopped and stayed overnight somewhere (like Kansas City, for instance...ick). But he didn't. So that was a LOT of drive time to ponder life...
I am not sure what it means b/c I haven't ASKED him what it means. I feel like that is part of what wasn't working, peppering him with questions all the time.
At this point, I figure that since he is home with me, I am going to give it a week or two to see if it 'sticks'. Typical Dan fashion would be to run away again by Friday.
If he does I will not be surprised and have already made a lot of the arrangements if that is the case. Like making financial arrangements, getting legal arrangements ready, etc. I pretty much expect him to give up, say 'he can't do this', whatever. I am beyond that now.
If he says he can't live like this, I know how good THIS is. He has a great, loving, ridiculously forgiving wife, and two oustanding kids. If that drives him away, then this time he just needs to stay gone. Period. And I am mentally/emotionally/practically preparing myself for that, have been for a few weeks now.
I was very surprised he didn't call me on my offer to help get his house. I know you guys would all beat me with 4 x 4s or even larger if I actually helped him get a house. But to me that was the ultimate statement of, "Go ahead and go". If he really wants to leave and that is what is standing in the way, then go have your house. Enjoy it. Good luck to ya...
I have been reading "The Shack" and going to church and trying to figure out how best to love Dan. One big theme I have encountered is that you cannot force love and you cannot control people or situations. No big surprise there, but I needed to hear it again. The past week I have been living my life for me and also for my kids but not for Dan. He needs to grow up and live his own life, solve his own problems, etc. So when he came home Sunday to OUR home and stayed with me, I wasn't sure what to do. Seemed like an odd time to do tough love, when he has come back on his own choice I wasn't ready to be TOUGH GUY with him.
Now, if he (when he) falls into old patterns of going out late, taking drives, not being able to sleep, be comfortable in his home--you know the drill--then I will take the hard line and say if you aren't comfortable here then go, go now, go TODAY, period.
But for the moment I am taking it day by day. If (not likely) he continues to be here and be living more like my husband, then I will approach him with the things I need to keep it going. Such as counseling, even if it is through church or something other than the standard MC. Date nights, time together, etc.
But right now I am zero expectations (except negative ones) and eyes wide open...
Sara what you said nailed it on the head. For me, fixing my family is better than tossing it out and finding a new one..if this marriage can be saved that is my ultimate goal. I just feel that challenging him at this point could be counter-productive. I would like to take a vacation (brief may it be) from the drama of the past year...
If he says he can't live like this, I know how good THIS is. He has a great, loving, ridiculously forgiving wife, and two oustanding kids. If that drives him away, then this time he just needs to stay gone. Period.
(((((((BobbiJo)))))))
If that drives him away, he is really, really, really, broken.
Exactly. And I am tired of spending every waking minute trying to figure 'him' and 'us' out. I can't do it anymore and shouldn't have done it in the first place.
So I am taking care of me and the kids and letting Dan figure out Dan. It has been nice to have a sense of calm and peace....I know I will be okay no matter what, I really do know that, so that helps me to be able to just do my think and stop dwelling.
