Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy The unfaithful wife...that's me..

Simply stated, but wise advice.

Mel, we can't change mistakes we've made in the past. All we can do is try to learn and move on. And everyone makes mistakes. Sure, you can beat yourself up a little, but then you have to move on.

Life is always filled with challenges, we carry them, and then sometimes break a little. But eventually we have to try and find the strength to pick up and keep moving forward. I always say, no matter how bleak things look, search for those "silver linings." They maybe small, and they may seem insignificant. But they are there and they are what make life special. This might sound corny, but it's true!

ROOT & Jay,

Thank you. I know that is true. I am moving forward, for the most part. I'm not going to stay stuck. It's just not moving forward in the way I would like. Selfish, I know. And The Big Man not letting me in on The Bigger Plan is tough for me!!! Which is funny, because I'm not one to sweat the big stuff, I usually sweat the small stuff.

Maybe I should just get the D paperwork together for him like I told him I would. I haven't done that yet and it would be a 180 for me to dump it in his lap. It's not what I want, but it's not up to me.

Then he says "I want a divorce. Later down the road, we can always get back together and remarry." And I think to myself, no. If it wasn't worth saving, WTH would it be worth remarrying????!!!

What I have learned here is to not get in a tizzy so much and to just let some things roll.

Thank you all again.

Mel

Hi Mel,

Considering your H's alcoholism, do you mind me asking what is pulling you to want to make it all work? I'm not trying to be flippant or to put you on the spot. I just know how I am feeling with MY H .. who is also an alcoholic.

After almost 30 yrs I (think) I am ready to call it quits.

Living with an alcoholic sets me up for one huge disappointment after another. I feel like I am in a constant "holding my breath" mode in almost every situation .. from not knowing how I am going to meet monthly financial commitments to not knowing how he will respond to me (or anyone, for that matter) in any given situation.

While (IMO) his alcoholism hasn't really come to forefront .. only in these last 3 or 4 years or so .. with everything else added in from ALL of our years of marriage, it's like "I can't do it anymore!"

I commend you for wanting to hang in there .. but am wondering what is "different" for you .. in how you are currently thinking vs what (I think) you must have been feeling before?

rustie

rustie-

I noticed that you just joined the bb a few days ago. Where is your thread? You mention that your H is an alcoholic. Mine as well (a functioning one). I'd just like to read your sitch. Just in your brief post you said some things that really hit home with me.

Mel....sorry for hijacking your thread.

SueS

Why would I stay with an alcoholic?!?? Geez, Rustie, ask me a hard question!!!

Why would he stay with an adulteress?? I dunno. Just putting it out there.

1. Nobody's perfect.
2. He completely quit drinking in August 2005 and didn't have another drink until this past July.
3. I have isssues with Alcoholics Anonymous. The main issue I have is that a person is an alcoholic forever. I understand the theory behind it. But telling that person that they are sick for the rest of their life, when they have completely given up drinking, is difficult for me to stomach. I like SMART Recovery and a few others. My H's uncle has been sober for 25 years which is a huge accomplishment. Is he still sick? It's just a "me" thing.
4. The biggest influence alcohol had on our marriage is that I believed he loved the alcohol more. I was in constant competition. But I was doomed before that, because I was pregnant when we married. I didn't believe he really loved me and the drinking reinforced it. If he takes me back by choice, then my story changes. What I've always believed to be true, becomes false in an instant. How miraculous is that? And if I believed he loved me, how would I treat him different? It also changes the way he treats me because I'm not at a constant pity party.
5. The money it cost was....a lot. Cause we were spending $100 on booze a week easy. Not sure how I will handle that, but I'm not going to let it be as big an issue as I have in the past. Are the bills paid? Do we have everything we need? Okay. Quit panicking.
6. H doesn't think he has a problem. I know, I know. I'm definitely not saying he doesn't. But social issues were never it. I worried going home to my parents, but it was never bad.
7. My biggest worry/aggravation was that he put the family in a bad spot if something were to happen (dui, wreck, etc). That pissed me off the most. And it still does. But I spent a lot of time worrying about what had never happened and may never happen. I can' predict the future.

Once he quit these worries went away. He and I talked again last night. He says (Breakaway, don't you laugh at me!!!) that when he chooses to have a drink now, it's because he wants one, not because he needs one. Maybe it's a learned line.

7? 8? I am going to treat the alcohol different. I am not going to scream, cry, beg, plead, or fight the alcohol. It only helps it win. What I can do, is make the rest of our lives better, so that I don't have to compete with the alcohol. If there is nothing to escape from, then he won't want to drink.

Alright, Breakaway, go ahead with your 2x4 or your 4x6 or your 12x24....just get it over with. i won't promise it will work.

Mel

Just checking in here. I was married to an alcoholic that cheated as well. Its not easy and I truly believe until they can work on the alcoholism issue you cannot resolve the marriage issues.

LOL...I have to do a couple of things first...but, as The Terminator said, I'll be back.

Okay, Mel, you asked me...;P The interesting thing to me is...she asked why would you stay with an alcoholic, and your first few answers were about why you might stay...and then the rest of it was just excusing alcoholism. So that's two different things, really.

I'm glad you realize that. Please apply to yourself now!!! lol

Okay, so...you're saying, he was drinking...and now he's drinking.


I'm curious,why is it difficult for you to "stomach?" Interesting word choice. As in it's more than you disagree with that, but that it makes you sick...why? Because that's too much to accept? I'm really just wondering here, not being rhetorical.

Anyway, here's my take on it. I guess it depends on how you "define" an alcoholic...(which you seem to be spending the rest of your post trying to define it "away" sweets). Do you think your uncle can drink alcohol? What would happen if he did drink alcohol? The fact that he is sober and has stayed sober is fantastic, but if he drank alcohol he would not be able to "handle" it. Because he's an alcoholic.

Your husband stayed sober for a while. Great. What's he doing now? Drinking. Did he get cured and then get alcoholism again? It's not a virus, Mel, it doesn't "go away." My dad's an alcoholic but he's been sober for over 30 years. But he CANNOT drink.

I don't think you're ready for a 2x4 about this. I just hope one day you'll look back at this statement with new eyes.

Great that you are not panicking, but at the same time you are telling yourself it doesn't matter how much money he spends on drinking.

You know, you know?? Then why did you put that on your list!! No wonder he thinks "it isn't bad" with you already saying it. MEL!!!! You are doing the comparing thing...well it's not social issues, well, it's not that bad, well, it was never so bad I didn't have to leave.

OF COURSE HE DOESN'T THINK HE HAS A PROBLEM. LOL. Hallmark of the alcoholic, no?

I can predict the future. People who drive drunk get DUI's.

Now, Mel...why would I laugh?? YOU KNOW WHY. lol again. Actually I'm not laughing, sistah. It's only funny because you already know what bullsh!t that is.

This part is true.



This part is not true. It says you are still competing with the alcohol. It says you think you can control what an alcoholic does, that you can control what the alcohol does. THIS IS FUNDAMENTALLY NOT AND NEVER GOING TO BE TRUE. This is the part that is the codependent's "disease." He wants to drink because he's an alcoholic, Mel. Alcohol has control over him. You don't have control over alcohol or him. YOU ARE MAKING IT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. It is HIS responsibility.

The first step in a 12 step program, is admitting you are powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable.

Mel, is this why you don't like AA? Does the word "powerless" make you crazy? Sweetie...you are powerless over alcohol and what it does to your husband. It has made your life unmanageable.

I say all this with love and infinite compassion. I say it to tell myself again as well. The thing is, you aren't powerless over yourself. So that's the good news.

Well, what do you think?


[/quote]

I hope this didn't get misunderstood... I meant you are too hard on yourself. But nobody's perfect!! So you don't have to be either.

Let me sit on it for awhile Breakaway. I want the marriage to work. It's not going to work as long as he's drinking to excess, which probably will happen if he's drinking a little. He is determined to be able to have a drink if he wants to. If I make it a dealbreaker at this point, this marriage is already doomed. I might as well file for divorce now.

I don't know how to find a medium.

Mel