Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice IV

She's right, of course. It could be worse. It would do me a lot of good to consider that when I am in my depths. I also have noticed that many of the people in my own village have never loved as deeply as I have. Perhaps if I had never felt the joy of a wonderful M and the thrill of fantasy of an ideal future then I could get over all of this easier. But...

OM in the driveway. ARRRG. That is so annoying.

Hi LD. I have been riding invisible shotgun with you for about a month and you have helped me through the holidays. The Holidays. God be praised! They are over. Now we can comfortably go back to the regular purgatory that is our life. The next twist of the knife doesn't happen until Valentines day.

I haven't posted since you were still happily married. At least as far as you knew, right? Sorry to be so familiar, but we are brothers in this hell and you have helped me through some really dark times and maybe if I jump back into posting I can help you. I couldn't even remember my password or I would have commented weeks ago when your W was doing whatever messed up stuff she was doing weeks ago. I think the last time I posted I was on a business trip to South Africa. Well, I just got back from a vacation with my sister's family in Costa Rica. I keep taking these trips thinking that when I come back my W will have changed back. So far she hasn't.

You are so prolific. You write so much. Lately, I have known that when I am feeling desperate I can see how you are doing, and usually you are struggling the same way that I am. That and the fact that you have AmyC's ear. She cares about you. She believes that you have a chance. That means more to me than anything else. It's as if she has been on the same side of the fence as our Ws and is slipping us notes that our Ws would not want us to see. AND you have FH! His W said some of the exact same things that our Ws said and he conquered that demon.

So why am I jumping in now? Well, the image of that POS in your driveway was too much for me to handle. I had to break the silence. As you know, of course, it isn't him. It is your W. And it isn't her either, is it Amy? It is the monster. The way you wrote your last post it looks like it didn't bother you too much, but it sure bothered me. Then I went out and had a great time with some friends. See how close we are?

Anyhow, thanks for posting. I hope I haven't freaked you out. I'm sure my thread is in here somewhere and you can see that I am legit. I am praying for you.

Oh, and dday! WTHeck? I had written him off and look at him now. My fingers are crossed for dday. I think I need to look closer at his plan of action. Did I mention that I am a doormat? I thought it was my best course of action as I have yet to confirm the OM. I have been waiting for confirmation to get my butt off the floor but I'm starting to contemplate a different approach.

Anyhow, again, this is your thread. You are doing great. You are my inspiration. Please keep going. Please keep posting. Please keep listening to AmyC. Please keep giving up your anger and focusing on your D17 and your GAL. Because if you do, I will too and maybe the other invisible sadsacks in this car will too. Our Ws need our help even if they won't take it right now. Was it FH who told us what unconditional love really meant? Even if it doesn't work out. It makes sense to me.

God bless you. L.

P.S.(My W snapped her front axel on her car last week on a curb.)

25year you're great. When I say "in love" you know what I mean. It is her feeling right now that she is in love, that's what she tells everyone. I understand she is going through something, I truly do, but it hurts me nonetheless. Church was good this morningme and my 2 year old grandson, do the math. He loves the priest and during the recessional always walks with him. Well this morning he felt it necessary to go up to the alter and hang out with him, several times. I kept rushing him back, but the last time I went, the Father gave me the high sign that it is ok. During the recessional he came and got him. I told him how much he looks forward to being with him. Father is a great person. I did as you said and I have been asking Him for a sign of reconciliation or just move on alone in my life without her. No signs yet, but after learning about the POS being at my house, I was , once again, very calm this morning and questioning why I got upset (listen Lucas this is important). I am finding that when I have angry thoughts about her or them, I am waking up without resentment or anxiety. I know what is happening and I am opening up to it more and more. Your input to Dday, did hit some chords with me and I heed the advice deeply. I believe if I stray from this path, I will lose at so many levels it will be impossible to recover. Now I'm actually scared of falling off the path. The walk is working. I told Him today in church, that I am glad I am walking with Him and talking to Him. I feel less emotionally retarded. I am calm and happy with myself. It is hard to see into the future, my dreams are quiet which is not uncommon for me. As I have posted I dream hard and most times, especially repetitive dreams they come true, yes I forsaw this affair. I cannot see the outcome because my mind is dealing with the here and now and what I can control. I loved the story and I do always say to myself, it could be worse, look at the deaths and the turmoil, the life that others have that are in such chaos, yues I do. My world is my world. It is beset with things I can control, and things I can't. I step over the things I can't but at the same time try to figure out a way to understand it. If I can understand it, then I can learn it, master it, and ultimately control it. No I am not a control freak. But if it is in my world, then it must have meaning and relevence to me. I have learned this the hard way. Thanks for posting to me. Not much today. Checking emails, doing laundry, watch some football and load up on some unhealthy foods.

Well thanks for jumping in, I can always use advice and love to make new friends. That is the key. things YOU need to do. As you have been going through this a while, I am sure you are on top of most things. Doormat, end that situation immediately. Ferris Bueller said it best, "you can't love someone if you don't respect them". Numero uno, make it your mantra. I slipped a week ago, byut that was also prior to my recent meltdown. Trust me I feel like a new person after that. It was such a release, AmyC said she wouldn't read it all because it was crap. It was a release of every negative feeling about me , her, them, this situation and the litchen sink. But she also told me I needed to do it. Here are the key things that get me through it, I willl not preach on the praying and going to church, they give me great feelings of hope and faith thought, so...Totally up to you.:

1. Believe nothing she says
2. Believe less than half of what you see
3. Find people who she would never talk to if you need to vent. this board works best for me and now, my cousing who has always been real close to me.
4. Do not talk about how you feel in this situation unless it is the above confidant. This is absolutely critical. all your hopes and wishes for you and her will be told her at some level, remember the game telephone....
5. Get your financial , mental, and emotional house in order.
6. Do something. I am taking country line dance lessons and love it.
7. Stay tight to your friends and family, if they are like mine they love you uncondionanlly.

These last two are recents and they require your utomost devotion

8. Keep the road home paved and clear. This is both spritual and emotional.
9. Treat her as if she is gone forever, and live and love like she will be coming home tomorrow.

I am very glad to hear my posts have helped. I wish no one was going through this crap, but someone has to. I am a real tough guy, the type of person that backs people down from fights by looking at them. Oh yeah...This is a fight that can only be won in your heart. Tough will keep you going, hope and faith are your strengths, belief in yourself is what make you want to wake up the next day. If you cherish these things the way I have it will help, oh it will still hurt like hell as I am sure you know, but I get up and face it everyday with the same determination. If you move forward and make yourself someone, YOU CAN LOVE, then you cannot lose.

Yeah God speed to Dday, but it goes to show what can happen and as AmyC said, how quickly things can change. We do not know what is going through their minds and as 25year and a few others have indicated to me, to a large degree, neither do they. I pray for your strength and resiliency in this. I hope we all come out on top. Can't wait to hear from Dday. My buddy T'gone, you still there?

P.S. All of my strength, hope, faith and committment to this battle were failing. God has told me that I can do this , He is walking with me and showing me His light, which I know now is Our light, mine and His. I squeeze my cross when I am unsure. I ask Him for a 2x4 when I slip (AmyC is the hand of God in that one, as well as FH), but seriously, I have seen too much happen, positive and negative to not believe in what I now hold deep in my heart. He loves us all, He will not abandon us and He will show you his plan if you will just listen.

LD,

I relate a lot to the efforts at comprehending the incomprehensible from our mates. On one hand, there's the type of trying to understand, that just sucks, is unhealthy for us and our family, and is useless, harmful obsessing. We've all been there and it sucks out our life's energy, etc. OTOH, we also want to figure out whatever we can about the sitch and how we got to this place, for good reasons. We at least want to control whatever we can, which is just us, to reduce the risk of this happening again. Never any guarantees of not being hurt again, by anyone, etc.

But yes, I understand the need to understand. The catch 22 is to Try to accept that you will possibly never understand all of it. I still have a part of me wondering wth H was thinking and how he could shut out his family the way he did for so long and so weirdly. But this vacation, when it was good--mostly--the kids were putting their legs on him to get their legs scratched and they were all draped over each other watching a movie and I thought, "how could you ever not want this?" And h looked...nourished, emotionally. So, as he goes back east to be with his mom and work, he'll have that to recall and think of. Not me whining or scrutinizing him about the craziness of those times. Guess I have to accept the whole alien theory b/c it's the only thing that keeps me from wanting to cross examine about his thought process. In retrospect, it was like a thought disorder frankly.

Remember my beautiful sister who got divorced 13 years and a 2nd marriage ago? She is still missing the point. Post divorce, for years, She'd do all the negative obessessing, and snooping and make herself miserable, but never looked within, to see what she could do to lessen the chance of another heartbreak...the very things she could have control over, the only things, she ignored. When she starts dating again, I think she'll pick up where she left off as a teenager...repeat the same damn mistakes and yet expect different results. I think that's the definition of insanity. The times she'd go to c, it was for her to feel better or get the step kids to help more in the house (2nd M issues) but never for her own improvement or insights. Know what I mean?

So I do have hopes for you. Not all of them mean that your w will come back to you. Sometimes I get the feeling she doesn't know how and you'd have to somehow demonstrate it way way way down the road, long after OM disappears, which he'll do, unless she feels cornered. When the WAS faces too much condemnation, it seems they are more likely to stay with OP just to make their point or defend themselves. When they're cornered, the only person who will be with them, in their minds at least, is OP. I know you don't participate in the bash the OP game, and that's really good. But until she sees the contrasts, and regrets the choices she made, and believes there is a chance she could possibly try to un-do or work forward... you can only watch from the curb as the parade goes by. Sit down and have a martini, (alcohol free if need be) b/c the floats are bigger and weirder this year...

One time a nice guy (LBSer) told his ex when she wanted to return was, "No, you cannot come back. B/c you won't put up with the conditions (his word was s---) I'd need from you to trust you again, so what's the point?" I did understand his feelings....but not sure of his goal... They divorced and she married OM...

I don't know for sure if what he did was right for him, or her, as she had cheated before. But then I noticed that the things she told him she needed in their marriage that contributed to her A's in the first place, (for example, her love language was verbal affirmations and he just didn't say things like "ILY" very often...was stingy with compliments too and I know that for a fact...) were still issues for him in later R's....he didn't change himself at all, as far as I could tell. He later dated a woman a whole year and she ended it b/c she "wanted more from him" and it was the same thing his ex w had wanted. I questioned him a little. He said he'd never told his new gf he loved her (dating someone a year without feeling love, or saying it???) and so she broke up. He seemed puzzled or like she was asking for way too much. Geez, what's it cost to say ILY, if you feel it? It was as if he felt the gf wanted something he couldn't give. So I thought, good luck there pal. I liked the guy, but just shook my head sometimes.

There are books like "After the Affair" about how you can re-build a m, post A. It can happen. Also if you haven't already, read the "Five Love Languages" so that whomever you meet, you will give and receive love in the language that's best for each one. I know it was helpful to me to read and Still is.

But My other general hopes and beliefs re: your sitch is simply that you're a better man for this. Bet You'll be a very good h down the road. Hopefully it'll be with her, but if not, you're closer to Him, and a better catch for the lucky one you meet.

Yes, yes, I also agree that there are times that the whole "others have it worse" thoughts are only so helpful, b/c sometimes I'd pray out loud to God and say, "I KNOW there are starving people in the world...but right now, I am in a PAIN I've never known before and could use a little something thrown my way..." I usually got relief, or came here to get it, but sometimes I'd just embarrass myself again, inwardly and say, "25, wth are you saying? That you deserve zero pain in life? And by the way, the kids are watching you more than you know..."
Meaning, you gotta show up and be a man, for them, on those days when you don't feel up to it for yourself...been there, done that, (except for the part about being a man as I'm a woman. But being a mother is a really important part of my life-the most-and sometimes it was just for the kids, that I lifted myself up again. So what? Who cares what triggers our recovery and improvements? I say, whatever works...)

I'm a better woman/w than I was before. I know that. Much more patient and less need to be "right" but I still have to fight that.
Even with important historic events in our marriages, we just don't have the same "tape" or film as our spouses. Some parts of it will never be recalled the same way. Or given the same meaning or significance. All that will matter then, is forgiveness and having a similar view about the future. And don't forget those two relatives I have that divorced and remarried. I mean, it does happen.

Anyhow, carry on LD, with your head held high. For the record, OM in the driveway is just tacky. Not evil, but clueless on your wife's part. Totally an alien right now. Until the alien planet releases her, just remember to ignore alien spew and revisions of the m. Did you read the 2nd DB book ("Remedy"?) I found it very helpful...and if you can, just get a session with a db coach. Set of 3 is cheaper than 3 sessions with a T in my area, and many t's are not as pro-marriage as the DB's coaches...
(( j ))

Thanks that was excellent. Yeah I know I'll never understand it all, and most likely, I will be content with that. My W's mind is like that, she will stay firm until a brick wall falls on her to prove her wrong, she at least has that part of her still alive in there. No she is an alien, and yes, that's what I said to my son, him showing up with her to pick up D17 was classless. It was, but this wlk is allowing me to walk away from it without reliving the thought. It is a hard walk, but well worth it. I know that I will have to do things if/when OM is gone to show her the light. First we will have to become friends, then I will show her I want to trust her but she will have to show me a real desire to come back. Its a lot right now. I believe I am a really good person and I have said it more than once, at the end of the day, someone is going to end up with a real good man. I never needed to be more affectionate, I always was, it was her not showing that part. Drinking on both our parts didn't help us with this situatilon, I have stopped and seen the damge it caused and is causing because she continuees with the "where's the next party mentallity". Again, she'll have to look at that car everyday for god knows how long and remind herself where she is heading.

I like me, I don't mind being alone, sometimes even want to be alone, just to relax in my house and enjoy my surroundings. I have friends that are both of our firnds and I now have friends that don't know her, don't care to know her and I 'm good with that. Met a nice woman in church this morning who was with her daughter. they were playing peek a boo with my grandson, kids a babe magnet. Anyway she is very nice and asked where I have been. I told her I have been here every Sundasy. she said the last two we didn't see you. I told her I was sitting more up front. Nice to know that you are noticed when you are somewhere, and flattered to know you were missed. No, no romance there. Just a really nice woman. Who knows, if this doesn't work out with me and H, my next companion could very well be someone from church...God and his mysterious ways, but I have faith and the belief that He is leading me in the direction He wants me to go and I believe it includes her, for now. Until OM is gone, there is no chance for me. Sad thing is, if he is around too long, when she finally rids herself of him, there is no guarantee I'll be in the same frame of mind, sad, so i try to think about it.

Read the DR about 5 times. It is helpful, but I am taking a rest on the reading and researching right now, because I need to stop analyzing, do my walk for a while and listen to Him. Just shut up, shut down and listen...

did not want to wake up this morning, felt completely exhausted, like I had run a marathon, asked the question again last night, reconciliation, or is it just me? No answer, but it is a tough one and I know a lot of it depends on this walk I am taking and my conversations with Him. That at least makes me feel better.

Called her this morning about car insurance money. she says she's broke, she's sorry, but after making a car payment and stratening out her bank account and getting food and gad there is no more money. I told her I cannot afford it, next week she will owe another payment. 260 bucks I don't have. Are we ready for this. She had been telling me and everyone else they are pushing to get her on full time, to which I know they are not. Well she informed me this morning they are cutting her hours back to 1 o'clock. she has Wednesday's off. that means she is working 20 hours a week. She told me she is trying to unload some stuff. She had taken some antiques from our house a couple of months ago and I figured she was trying to sell them. She is probably selling the jewelry I bought her, diamond wedding band, gold wedding rings, diamond earrings. She was at my house right before Xmas getting stuff out of her jewelry box, who knows. She is going to call me tonight to let me know where that stands. She said she hopes to unload some stuff this week.

I made no threats about er car insurance. I did tell her, I pay my bills on Monday, you told me you'd contact me about the money, I need to pay these bills. I cannot afford to fall behind again. She said she understands and then I told her about the end of next week when it will be due. I told her I can't afford her insurance. i left it at that for now, no threat about cancelling her from my policy, get your own, blah, blah, blah...Wouldn't matter, just makes me look like an ass....

I will wait to hear from her tonight, she won't call, I'm not an idiot...Like everything else in her life right now, if she ignores it maybe it will just go away...

Forcing myself to the gym tonight. Spent most of yesterday doing laundry and watching football. Should have gone to the gym and done something , but I was wiped out. Don't know why, but I was. Need to get out of the house at least 3 nights a week I figure. I am going out saturday night, Gym tonight, most likely every night this week to get me jump started. I might be going out to play cards Friday night, but I am not sure yet.

I do not want to hound her for the car insurance money all week. If I don't hear from her tonight (LOL) then I will call her friday. Doing the walk is much easier if she is not in my head at any level.

Hey LD,

You need to quit stressing about OM and just accept it. My W can't drive do to her accidents, pending lawsuits and being popped for the umteenth time for no insurance, so guess what? OM drives her and my boys everywhere, is constantly in front of 'my' house and on a couple of occasions I've had to go out there and stand at HIS car to talk with W face to face on family issues directly in front of him.

And how could I do this and not have the urge to reach to reach in and choke the ever living crap out of him? Because, I'm the better man and I ACCEPT IT. As I've said, he can deal with Ms. Party Girl, I won't. And so far, it's paying off, his days are numbered.

I've either got to get internet at home or finally owe up with the libarary and use the internet there over the weekend (seems I now own a copy of DR that I never returned, ooops, LOL ).

I'll catch up with this later, gotta update my sitch.

Nope I was able to walk away from that with no problem. Posted it, mentioned and moved away from it. Her problem with her car insurance is there is a loan on it so the insurance cannot lapse. She knows nothing about these things. again, I will wait and see, if I have to pursue the matter Friday, she will be told, end of the month she is on her own.

Your constant reference to him as a POS and over all attitude says you allow him to get to you. He can't if he does and it shows, he has won.

It's only human nature to think unkindly of those who take things that 'belong' to us. But I must profess, that is probably the only ONE thing I DID NOT screw up through all this time, even when I didn't accept it, I never insulted him to her or anyone else, sure I refered to him as 'Shrek' a few times in light conversation, but never once did I let on to her how I felt abou ther being with whim, other that 'you're with him what do you want me to say, or why do you think I say/do the things I have?'

It also takes two to have an affair, just try and remember that.

I wouldn't cut her off any inusrance either, I know I was soooo tempted to do so many of times, but in hindsight am glad I didn't.