It's not to much info; I manage the budgets, operations, and facilities for a major NYC university. That's a pretty obvious job description, but if not it essentially means I make the financial decisions, manage personnel issues, and make decisions regarding the maintenance, upkeep, and renovation of our buildings. It's a very stressful job, but one that I enjoy. I find that college majors have very little to do with what profession you'll end up in or how far you'll go in life. It's all about determination, strong work ethics, and enjoying what you do.
Thanks for the encourgement, I really needed it. I lost it again this weekend. I made a very poor decision on Saturday night; my W and I were watching a movie together at home and afterwards I decided to tell her that I really wanted her as my W and I wanted us to fix things between us. It turned into a huge argument, with her saying the usual "I don't want you, I don't want this marriage, I don't want to live in this house." I ended up telling her to just file and move out then. I mean I don't get it; if she wants out so bad then why not just do it? Anyhow, she's making plans to move out and for now I am making plans to move forward with my life. I hope (and sort of believe)we will come back together some day, but for now I just can't go on in this much unhappiness. I think a separation really needs to happen for both of us to see things more clearly. And as for the respect factor, I think you are absolutely right. We really need to hold our heads up high and stop being door mats. It's like the whole situation is just upside down! I'll check on your thread to see how things have been for you. I hope you have a great week. WP
WP, I've had those moments too. Are you wanting to just move ahead with your life? It does sound to me like your W is confused and not 100% sure about D or she would have filed already. But I agree, you shouldn't be a doormat. I've been there, and it's not good... Karen
I know what you mean about feeling like you lost it. I think that right now setting boundaries is the most important thing I can do for my own sanity and kids. I think my H needs to be away from me to get some clarity. Maybe that is what your W needs as well. You are not a doormat. You are a H who loves his W and wants to save his M.
Have you read the book "Love must be Tough" by Dr. Dobson? It is a Christian perspective and talks about boundaries and standing up for ourselves. I found strength in it words and message.
The one suggestion I have for you, and that I need to take myself is to stop the R talk. It sounds like you were having a nice evening, until the R talk began. Allow the lack of discussion regarding R and your actions of love speak for themselves. Remember, DR says that by saying you love her and want to work things out, it just reinforces that she doesn't feel that way right now. It doesn't mean that she can't come around, but right now we don't want to prove that she is correct.
Hang in there, have faith, I believe we will make it through this.
You're absolutely right about the R talk. I do that often, and I really need to stop. I guess I just see the fact that we can enjoy our time together as evidence that our M can be saved, and that makes me want to discuss the issue. But this is wrong and I know that. We actually went out as a family to dinner last night, and as usual we had a very nice time, and this morning she and I rode the train in together and we talked and laughed. Today she called me to see how my day was--this was a first in a long time--I'm usually the one to make the first call. My fear is that all she's concerned about is making sure we stay friends for our D's sake, which is of course necessary, but I want more. Anyhow, I'm really working on letting go. I prayed a lot this weekend, and I really feel that God wants me to totally lay this at his feet and know that He can and will fix the situation in His way and His time. So, I am moving forward with the separation plans and just trusting this to God. And I will try very hard to cease all R talks! I haven't read the Dobson book but I will pick it up. I just started reading "Not Just Friends" and found it to be very useful. I see my life unfolding in that book. If you haven't read that one then I highly recommend it. Based on your situation I really do think that your H needs to see the consequences of his actions first hand. I think the boundaries you are setting are good and hopefuly they will open his eyes. You hang in there as well and keep the faith.
I do think she's confused. It's not that I am ready for a D or to give up on my M, but I am ready to stop hurting. This has been going on since June and I want off of the roller coaster! At least until I can catch my breadth. I love my W very much, but I realize that I need to leave this totaly in God's hands. He can and wants to repair my marriage, but I need to submit it to him first. I realize that there were many times in my life when I loved my W more than God, and that is just plain wrong. He uses these situations to cleanse us of anything that does not please him, so I am going to try to focus on myself as much as possible, and for that I need my own space. I just hope that in the space my W misses me!
Today is such a crappy day! My plans to earn some extra income fell through, so now my hope for some light at the end of the tunnel has been squashed. The extra money would have allowed my W to move out. Not that that's what I want as a goal, but I just feel like until she tastes life on her own and w/out me she won't even consider our R. I don't know, maybe I am wrong about this and should see her living at home w/me as an opportunity to change things, but I just don't see any interest from her in doing that. I know I can't expect to see that interest, but the problem is that she says a big part of her reason to D is that she never lived on her own or experienced life independant of me since we've been together since we were so young, and she feels she needs to that. Of course I've never had those experiences either, but I don't have that same need. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so hopeless. There's no way I can afford to keep the house on my own income, and I just spoke to our realator who said that selling it would cost us 10K out of pocket. Money I obviously don't have. Life just sucks for me (and all of us I guess). This just isn't what I planned. We moved to a great house in a great area and were planning to grow our family, our finances were stable, and I was really hoping that the move out of the city would really allow my W and to go back to the wonderful relationship we once shared. I'm very sad and feeling hopeless today... WP
I'm one of those people too, that never got life on their own. But the truth is now, I'm never going to get life on my own, because I have D4 with me! And that is fine. It's the way it should be. Now H wants life on his own and the joke is on him, because he has S13 with him! We can't go back to being 20 or 19 or 25. We have to move forward, but it's hard for people to realize that sometimes.
Is there anyone else she could move in with (parents, sister, anybody?) to help her squash these feelings? Would she listen to me????!!!
Living independent means coming home to an empty house. It means no one ever having supper ready when you get home. It means you take care of all your own bills. It means if you can't hack it, you fall, because there is no one else to depend on. It means getting your own medical insurance, your own car insurance, and taking care of anything and everything that you used to depend on someone else for, no matter how small. However, it is also half the laundry, half of the food, and about half of the house cleaning, too.
Living independent is facing the world alone with no one to catch you. I want to be caught. I want to catch somebody else.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
I hear you loud and clear; too bad my W doesn't! This is why I feel she just needs to experience it to know that that is not what she wants. Or maybe it really is, who knows. Unfortunately we don't have any family in the area, so it's either together or completely alone. We also have a D4, who we will share custody of, so my W will have some alone time I guess. Who knows, I am pretty confident that our life together was mostly very happy and fulfiling, so I hope she does this and gets it out of her system.
