I'm not holding up well at all. Today was horrible. After going on an overnight roadtrip and having a very nice New Year's Eve, and then waking up to hear my W say she didn't see a future for us I just sort of lost it.
Well, why you believe anything she says is beyond me. Believe none of what they say, cheaters are liars, etc. Sounds to me like your W may have been feeling kind of like you were, maybe positive about your M, and then she talks like that, to start a fight. This is classic. Then you fight, and she can justify her A. And says This is why I'm with OM. It's all crap.
We all mess up. You need to stop listening to what she's saying & DB your butt off. If you want to of course. Karen
I agree with Karen. Stop being REACTIVE, C, and start learning to ACT.
Come up with a plan, and then pray for the strength to follow it. You are REACTING right now to your wife's button-pushing, and it's not a good idea to react to someone who does NOT have your marriage's best interests at heart right now.
I'll second what Puppy and Karen have said. Stop REACTING.
What do YOU WANT? Do you want to try and save your marriage or are you done?
Don't believe ANYTHING your W says right now. EVEN things you've overheard. She doesn't have a clue what she wants right now. Waywards will say things that make NO SENSE. So just blow it off.
And quit giving her ammunition to justify OM.
If you can't take this, then maybe you should just move forward with selling the house and moving on. No one would fault you for that. But if you want your marriage to have a chance, you've got to get a plan together like Puppy says. And it will take a LONG time.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Thanks for the gentle a** kicking! I really needed that. I'm doing horribly at GAL! I just seem to be stuck in the mindset that she is still my W and she still comes first. I went into NYC today to check on a renovation project I had going at work, and the first thing I did when I got here was to call her and tell her how wonderful the place turned out. She congratulated me, but then when I told her that I was going to get together w/my friend and I'd be home later she said "you don't need to tell me that. It's none of my business what you are doing and I don't need to know." I said that I was just being courteous and what was the big deal. Anyhow, I really do suck at all of this. I'm still way too involved with her emotionally, and I just can't seem to stop my thoughts from drifting to our past. I've decided to rent out the spare room and make a way financially for her to move out. I do still hope that our marriage will reconcile, but I just don't see it happening as long as we are under the same roof. I think this goes against the time spent together principal, but the fact is she still communicates regularly with the OM and lies about that, so as long as that is going on I don't see any hope for our M. Also, she just doesn't know what life will be like without me, and maybe she needs to taste that. I have a prospective renter coming by on Tuesday to rent the room. Wish me luck...
I need some really solid advice and prayers. My W is living in the house now for financial reasons and will stay here for most of the year. She has said time and time again that she does not want to work on our marriage, but that she wants to want to. This has been consistent. It means very little, because the reality is she could work on M, but chooses not to. I could earn extra income by next week and make it possible for her to move out and on, which is what she continually says she wants to do. I still really want to save our marriage, so if I make it possible for her to move out am I blowing the last chance at saving our M? She still talks to the OM who I believe she's had an EA/PA with (I've been reading "Not Just Friends" and I really feel that she became physical w/him). What do I do? She does nothing genuine to show interest in me as more than a friend, but she does value our friendship and wants it to continue. Is that enough to hold onto? Last night she was looking for a place to move to and saying we definitely need to be apart and that our R is not good, that she can only see me as a friend. Today, after I was out for a few hours, she and I go to a store and she starts looking at things for the house and says she wants to buy this and that for "our home." I really believe she is just being manipulative, so I didn't say anything in response. Should I say something like "it really confuses me when you look to buy things for 'our' home?" Should I make a way for her to move out? Will there be any hope after that? Or, is her staying just a prelude to the big bomb later this year? Please let me know what you all would do. I will pray for clarity and make a decision on Monday. Thank you so much.
Ugh, WP. I can't even begin to guess what to tell you. On the one hand, if you give her the way out, what all else will she milk you for and besides, why should YOU do that for HER??? Except for your own dang sanity, obviously.
As you know, I moved out (because I was stupid, but I won't go there, now). But even now, when I go "home", I still say "my bathroom" or "our room". I know dang good and well it's not "mine" anymore, but my name is still on the deed!!!! And I painted those rooms! And I laid that dang fake tile!!! And nobody helped me scrape the popcorn crud off the ceiling in that closet! And I was the one who put the closet system IN that closet. So yeah. I still kinda feel some ownership. Maybe partly because I want all of it back, too though.
There are no guarantees. And none of us can say for sure one way or the other no matter how bad we want to be able to do that for you...for all of us.
I'm sure Puppy will be by sooner or later. Sooner or later she is going to "fall" from OM. It's a matter of do you want to be there when she does? Do you think she'll be willing to do all the work it's going to take to start to put things back "right"? I didn't think I would be able to. It's part of why I left. But now, I don't care who I have to tell what I did to, it is worth WHATEVER to have our marriage and family back.
Good luck and I will pray for you.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Hi Mel, There's a big difference between you and my W; she only lived in our home for less than a month before moving out and she has hardly lifted a finger in it since. I've done the projects around here. I don't think she says things about "our home" because she feels like this is her home--she doesn't even want to live in it--I think she says those things to dangle carrots in front of me. That's why I didn't respond. I still haven't decided what to do, but whatever I do won't be for her, it will be for the attainment of one of my goals, sanity for myself or a chance to repair our M, or both. I feel that God can fix things whether or not she lives here, so I am leaning in that direction for now. I hope I can figure it out soon enough. WP
I know this is off subject...but you said you went into NYC to look over a renovation and then you have done your projects around the house, too. It sounds like you have an interesting job. I am data management secretary at the local high school now, finishing my master's in May. Maybe it's crazy, but I am always interested in hearing about "cool jobs" to pass on to the kiddos who are looking for interesting fields to go into after college. They are all such amazing kids with the most amazing stories. So I guess I am interested in hearing a little more about what you "do". Maybe it is TMI, and if so, I apologize.
I hope you get to a decision that gives you peace. And I think you will know the decision when you get to it, and looking back, you will think "Well, that decision was obvious! What took me so long!!??"
Good luck.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. I'm glad to hear that you had fun in NYC. I have always put my H first as well and am just now starting to understand how it is to put myself first. It is giving me a sense of control over how I feel. I still get emotional and have moments of panic, but I have decided that if I can't take care of myself, how am I supposed to take proper care of my kids. Right now it is my H who is emotional and crying, and for once I am the strong one.
I think our S's have come to depend on us being needy for attention and love, and will be incredibly shocked to learn that we no longer need to get that only from them. Respect is a huge factor. So you hang in there, keep your chin up, GAL, and take care of you D. That way regardless of what happens with your W, you are stronger, healthier, and happier, and also know that you did the best that you could do.
