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Hello I just found this site a few weeks ago and wanted to put my story out there and see if anyone has any advice for me.
Here is my story:
My husband and I were together for almost 20 years, married for 19 of that. We have one son 18. My husband, 41, was a police officer for 11 years and a fire chief for 8. He is a very prideful man and well know in the community. Having said that, he is also very blunt and always in charge. He is always right! (According to him). At the same time, he has been a great father and husband to me up until our seperation.
It all started a year ago when he lost his job of 11 years as a police officer (sgt. for years). After he lost his job, he immediately found another one as a supervisor at a nursing home, supervising housekeeping and maint. During is time off, between jobs, he started working out regliously. I mean every day almost.
He said it was for his health. Anyway during this time we thought we were gonna lose our home, so we moved out into a rental house. (During the move, some problems arose at the fire dept. and he resigned as chief.) After living around 3 months at the rental house, we realized we could save our home and decided to move back in. This alone is very stressful, moving 20 years of stuff out and then back in all in a 3 month period!!! My Husband hates to move anything, so to say the least, he was very upset at the fact.
Anyway, while moving back to our origional home he changed from 3rd shift to 1st shift (big adaptment there to). This is where it started going downhill. During the move, my mother died and we had to stop everything. My husband, I thought, was being very supportive. Although, during the wake and funeral, he worked every day for at least half a day. About 3 weeks after my mothers death, he decided he wanted to seperate.
I came home from lunch (we were still in process of moving) to check on things, (he was painting) and thats when it happened. While I was there he got a phone call and ignored it, I asked who it was and he got deffensive. I dropped the conversation and asked to use his phone. While using it, he followed my from room to room watching me. I knew something wasnt right. I looked at the # and questioned it. He then opened up to me and started crying, saying he thought we should seperate. He thought he also wanted a divorce. He tried to tell me he had been unhappy for awhile and he was on the verge of cheating on me. He said he wanted to leave me before that happened.
He continued to move my stuff back into our home that next day. He decided to stay at the rental house for awhile. He got me moved in ONE day! I could tell he was in a hurry. After the move that day, he stood in the doorway and cried again. (remember this is a VERY prideful man, never cries). I should have known he was making a decision that he wasnt sure about. Anyway, I drove by his house the next morning and found HER there. A 25 year old girl, married and a mother. I confronted him, she got away, and he told me it was over between us.
Since then, she is out of the picture. When he moved me out in Sept., they saw each other until around nov. and then stopped.
My husband filed for divorced around 3 weeks ago and it was final the 8th of Dec.
During this seperation and even now, all he says is "I want to be left alone", "I want to spend my days left on earth in peace and quiet." He wants to be alone and not answer to anyone. He says he loves me but dont want to be married anymore. He says he will never be married, no one will ever live with him and he will never live with no one else. He says no one will EVER tell him what to do, and he will never answer to anyone again.
Of course I did the begging, crying, lets work on it thing. I called him all the time, and still do some days. We still are intimate on occuasion. He says he has never been with anyone else. He claims he wants to "play", whatever that means. I take it play around. He doesnt care for me calling once a day or every other day, but basically, just leave him alone. He dont want to talk about us for sure. He says he is Probably isnt coming home, (except when he is mad, and then its I am for sure never coming home). He says,(on some days), I wont say I am NEVER coming home, because he doesnt know what the future holds for us. He, agian, says he just wants to be left alone. He has told me several times to go on with my life and find someone to make me happy. But sometimes when I mention talking to certain people, he will say things like, yea you need to talk to them. (being sarcastic), then other times he tells me, so sinceely, you will find someone else, and that I need to have a better attitude. I think he wants me to find someone else, so he doesnt feel as quilty about this. He did say one time, that he didnt know how he would react when he saw me with someone, and that he would never let me know his reaction.
He told me recently that it brings back old feelings when we are intimate, and we shouldnt do that anymore. During the times we are intimate, we are not allowed to KISS!
I am on a rollercoaster right now. He doesnt call me unless he is returning my calls. He calls my son but not me. He is a very stubborn man and has to have things his way! Since we seperated in Sept. I have not went more than 3 days without talking to him. On the 3rd day he asked my son how I was doing. He had never did that before. While my son was with my H, I called him (my son) and my H grabbed the phone out of his hand so he could talk to me.
I need to go more than 3 days I know. BUT, its so hard.
I dont know, what happened to my husband. He was such a good father and husband to us for almost 20 years. When I bring this up to him, he says life changes. I think he may be going thru MLC, but I dont know for sure. I know we have had alot of changes in the past year, on top of this, raising a teenage son, that knows EVERYTHING! Even at one point before we seperated. My husband made the comment that he was leaving and I could stay or go with him. (He was arguing with our son at the time). I could tell everything was getting to him at that point.
Ok, I have tried to give you all the details.
What do you think? I know we are divorced, but I am hoping and praying he will come home.
I must add, that since this, I have turned my life over to God and have faith in him. God has held me up during this time and continues to do so. I want God's will to be done and I have faith that my marriage will be restored but until then I have to be strong for me and my son.
Thanks for listening and for your input.

Also after about a month of seperating, he did say that if we divorced we could always get remarried. He agreed with me that it was just paperwork.
Also, my H did get a FREE divorce from one of the lawyers he knew as a police officer. It only cost him filing fees of around 175. So, you see, I think since it was free, why not get it and not be tied to me legally...therfore he is single and doesnt feel as quilty about dating other people.

sunshinelewis,

So sorry to hear about your tale of woe. A lot has happened to you and in your life. I pray for you, and urge you to find your strengh and solace in Jesus.

First and foremost, if you have DB and DR, read them. If you don't get them. If you've already read them, read them again. Find yourself a support group of divorced women and attend; share; create fellowship. Plan your time with people, doing things or reading whatever stimulates your mind...just keep yor mind occupied in a productive way.

As far you XH, he may be going through a MLC, but you really need to read up on that and see if he has displayed any cues that that is the problem. Also, his working in two paramilitary organizations over 20 years certainly put a great deal of rigidity and discipline into him. Losing his job had to be a huge blow, along with leaving the FD due to unnamed problems.

Looks like your XH is having a serious self-esteem problem. He recently turned 40, job problems, he starts working out VERY hard, and he starts up with a 25-year old. Topping all of this off with his own need to be right moreso than happy, he has a pretty tough row to hoe. The 25-year old girlfriend is simply a symptom of whatever is the root cause of what ails him. Affairs are often mistakenly thought of as the problem, but they are simply a symptom of problems in the M. Additionally, your supposition that he wanted a D to simply play around was correct. He simply wants sex without the encumbrances and responsibility of marriage.

I know you want to be intimate with him, but I advise you to stop. You appear to be trying to pay to have him back by giving into his urges. Read DB and DR. Those are a fantastic starting point for recapturing who you were before this storm hit and for figuring out who you want to be going forward. YOU are the only one who gets to decide (1) what your attitude is, and (2) what you are going to do next, and (3) how fun your are to converse with because you are so well-read. No one else matters. Improve yourself. READ. BE happy. DO stuff. And certainly stop calling him unless you have a need that you MUST (not WANT) to discuss with him. ALL of this will make YOU more attractive to him.

Give him the gift of missing you. No one misses someone they feel is pestering them. One action step I did read hear was to mail articles from magazines/newspapers,internet that you think may be of interest to him, might lift his spirits, or may address a challenge he (or your son) has told you that he is having. Still, communicating, but one-way and without XH feeling pressure. I thought this was thoughtful. Perhaps worth a try.

If XH decides to date, so be it. YOU go out and do things with others, male or female, and have fun. Be certain that any men you spend time with know EXACTLY what your intentions are and where you stand. Eliminates assumptions, misunderstands, and hard feelings. Your staring at the phone and wondering what he is doing, and with whom, will lessen over time as you stay busy and enjoy yourself.

Good luck to you, my dear. Pray for God to help you to understand His will and to help you bend YOUR will to His. Pray for Him to help you understand His will and to understand that His will may not be not what you wanted or expected. Keep your mind open, keep your eyes and ears open, keep your heart open

All my best,
Tom

p.s. If you are a member of a church, seek out a women's group. If you are not, seek one out. You do not NEED to be a member to take advantage of the Christian fellowship. Participate. Tell people your story. Meet friends.

p.s.s. This may be the time in your life that you only see ONE set of footprints in the sand because He has scooped up your weary body and is carrying you.

p.s.s. BTW, a marriage is a spiritual contract between you, your husband and God. Cheapening your marriage or your re-marriage to "paperwork" is WRONG and will not make you feel better about what has happened.

Thanks Tom for replying.
I really dont understand the sex without marriage responbility. My H would be the first to say that that area of our relationship wasnt a problem. Maybe you can explain it. Could it be just the fact of new and exciting, something different?
I told him to quit blaming me for him leaving, that he just wanted to play the field, and he said yep, and I am gonna "play".
That just makes me sick! He acts as if he is young again. Here are some of the symptoms he has.
*Started working out 1 year prior to leaving. I mean really working out hard. I questioned him about it and he said he was worried about his health and that was all. This started right after losing his job.

*Wanted to look nice at work. Although he was made a supervisor, so dont know about that one. I dont think it was required of him to dress in nice dress shirts though.

*Started saying sex was over rated. I really dont understand that.

*Says he just wants to be left alone and answer to no one.

*Wants to live day by day, plan nothing in advance...never been this way before.

*Attitude changes with the wind. Happy one min. then screaming the next. Unexpected anger.

*Gave up one of the things he loved most (hobby wise). Being part of fire dept. Always loved this, raised our son to be a firefighter.

*Hanging out with some younger guys. But some his age too.

*Says he is the king of his own world

*Doesnt care if no one likes him, in fact doesnt want anyone to like him at all. Laughs at the fact that someone dislikes him.
(he has always been kinda like that, just not this bad).

*Says no one will ever tell him what to do EVER!!!

*Says he wants to play

*Leaves his family!!!

Now this is, to me, a true MLC....I am almost 100 percent. The question is HOW LONG is it gonna last???

sunshine,

I cannot stress this enough to you...read/re-read Divorce Busting and The Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis. A ton of marriage saving strategies are available in these two books, and yes, you marriage is worth fighting for and saving... even at this point.

While I am certainly no MLC expert, your XH certainly exhibits many of the classic symptoms. The Divorce Remedy has an entire chapter devoted to "Surviving His Midlife Crisis" which is quite informative, of which much of it you would find useful. Additionally, in Divorce Busting you will read about (1) Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy, (2) It Takes One to Tango: Change your Marriage by Changing Yourself, (3) Making a Habit of it: Identifying Patterns That Work, (4)Breaking the Habit: Interrupting Destructive Patterns, and most importantly (5) Make Yourself Happy for a Change (<-- will help you, of course, but will assist him in remembering how attractive you were to him before his current crisis, whatever it is).

The main focus in working to resurrect you M is YOU, not him! The Divorce Remedy tells you in Chapter 2, to Start with a Beginner's Mind when it comes to what you think you know about M. The next most important chapter for me was learning that I have the ability to change the destructive/hurtful patterns of our interactions by myself because all communication is circular, meaning that your interactions are inextricably linked without you or him deciding to change the dynamics that are NOT working presently. The next thing that I found extremely useful was the direction to Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels, meaning to stop doing things that are not working expecting a different result just because I WANT a different result.

Sunshine, I have given you a dimestore synopsis of DB and DR and quickly reviewed what I found useful in Michelle's books. Mind you, I am still fighting to reconcile my M and my XW makes the prospect of my efforts being successful look bleak, at best. I do know this: ONE of us fighting to reconcile our M is one more than would be working to do so should I give up. Many days the extent of my efforts is to simply still keep myself open to the prospect of reconciling. I've worked to improve myself and re-learn what is important to me as an individual. I have focused on my children and worked to keep myself busier with others so that my focus is less on my XW and more on me.

I have also solidified and strengthened my faith in my Lord. I know that I never walk alone when I am with Him. I know that He sometimes scoops me up in His arms and carries when my body is too weary to carry itself, ala the Footprints poem. I put my trust in Jesus, talking to Him daily and praying for Him to help me know His will and help me to bend my will to His, not the other way around as has been the case much of my life.

If you are a woman of faith, lean on your fellow sisters in your faith. Single sex fellowship is in your best interest right now. You may find a divorce recovery group. You may find a Celebrate Recovery (Christian based, google it for one in your area) chapter to participate in which help people to get over their hang-ups, habits and addictions which make their life unmanageable. DB offers counseling sessions to assist you in your reconciliation walk. You can always seek out a counselor in your area, either secular or one in your faith, to assist you.

I will keep reading your thread, and I want you to work on working on YOU. Read to sharpen your mind, broaden you interests and make yourself much more learned and interesting. Seek fellowship with other women who will sympathize with your plight. The more beneficial activities your are able to find and plug into, the better for you focus on someone/something other than your emotionally absent XW. Focus on your attitude, what you CHOOSE to do and what you read make you more interesting and more attractive to, not only others, but to yourself and to your XH.

BTW, to answer your question about sex and marriage, to answer Biblically, God created sex to be a union of man and woman in the bonds of matrimony. When people engage in sex outside of M, they want the pleasure of M (sex) without the roles and responsibilities of M. THAT is what your XH iw referring to.

He feels saddled or weighed down at present my the role of being a husband as well as his professional roles. He views sex with you as a leash or chain that 'burdens' him with all of the responsibilities of being a husband. He seems dissatisfied with where he is professionally at this point in his life because he feels HE IS WHAT HE DOES. Additionally, he stated he doesn't care whether others care for him or not is simply his emotional shield to protect himself from being hurt by others. I am no psychologist, but his words and actions say that he needs healing and understanding.

Best wishes,

Tom

P.S. If you have an interest in reading about my sitch, mine is on this Divorced, but... board also.

OK I just found out my x has been seeing another woman 30 years old (he is 41) for 3 weeks now. He is telling me he doesnt want to be serious with anyone BUT she says he talks about spending time at the lake this summer and tells her he thinks she has more feelings for him then she lets on. She says he is getting serious. My question is...should I ask him why he is lying to me about not really liking her? He does things for her that he use to do for me 20 years ago. Should I confront him about that and ask why? I think he really likes her, but why wont he just tell me the truth/ HELP ME PLEASE!!!

Sunshine,

Please re-read my last post slowly and carefully. Most importantly, the main focus to resurrecting your marriage is YOU, not him.

I had to learn the hard way in my situation that I couldn't listen to what my XW says. I simply needed to watch what she does; THAT would tell me what was important to her; what her priorities were on that day. Additionally, I've watched my XW hang out with friends and BFs so much simply because the are NEW and she'll be too busier to think, feel and heal.

To date, my XW still does not trust me, but none of what my XW feels, says or does can be allowed to deter me from DBing to the best of my ability.

Focus on you. Make you the best you possible. Spend some time taking a critical and honest look at who you are and how attractive YOU think you are to hang out with not just for you XH, but for anyone you want to spend time with.

Keep yourself sane. Don't focus on what he says. Also, believe it or not, the OW is competing with YOU, not the other way around. Everything your XH does with OW gets compared to how things used to be with you.

You have a lot of familiarity, love and comfort on your side. I can't say this enough. Focus on you...and read.

Tom

p.s. Merry Christmas.

sunshine,

One more thing to keep in mind is that your husband is in a career that is laden with young men (and women), a paramilitary culture geared toward valuing young soldiers, and the sudden (or not so sudden) realization that he is not longer one of the young bucks in the department. All of this leads men feel their own mortality, along with the death of their childhood dreams that they have not reached and, perhaps have become resigned to the fact that they are not going to reach them.

ALL of this is about your husband's feelings of failure and/or not measuring up to his own ideals/goals. You may still be HIS ideal/goal for a woman on his arm and or his wife, but none of the 'stuff' I just mentioned really have anything to do with YOU. This is YOUR ideal opportunity to polish all of your best points and sharpen some new 'best features' about you that you, others, and likely, your husband would find extremely attractive.

The only way that he is going to see not only the person he walked away from, but the person you are and are becoming is to re-orient your focus away from him and what he does to shine it on you and what you do. That way you will be able to look at his desperate attempts to recapture his youth by abandoning his wife and capturing the attention of a woman he will be bored with shortly because he is young enough (almost) to be his daughter. And now you tell me he's added a 30-year old also. Sad, but HIS business, NOT yours. What this tells me is that he's looking for YOU in his bevy of young babes. These women may simply have a badge fetish, an authority fetish, and/or a daddy fetish. Who knows? Who cares? Work on being able to say, "Not me."

Spend more time blogging here. YOUR experiences are valuable and valued here. Others need your insight, positive attitude, support, prayers and direction. Giving others gets you out of the mode of focusing on what's ailing you. Look online for support groups with women who are interesting to you. This could be a reading club, a support group (co-dependents anonymous, etc.), your church group (if you don't have a home church, check some out. You'll find some near you); choir, congregational service, bells, Sunday school, social activities, etc.

And lastly, just read up on anything that interests you so that you will be able to carry on more interesting conversations than you are able to carry on now with a wider variety of people than you presently associate with. YOU have a lot to offer. Unfortunately, sitting on the pity pot makes shining the light that emanates from you far too dim for others to see and be attracted to. Put yourself out to the world. The world is full of people who would love to have your as part of their social, professional and/or spiritual circles, but the vast people don't even know you exist.

It's up to you sunsine. Know that you are a quality person and the world is full of people who WILL find you fun, intelligent, exciting, and engaging. Dig up your roots and decide to move about. In the grand scheme of things, you may decide that husband's decision turned out to be a blessing in disguise. But, if you are intent on winning him back, put your best foot forward in making you the best YOU ever. Then, if your husband decides he does want to work on reconciling, YOU will be in the driver's seat with a well-laid foundation made up of bricks of confidence, friends, family, loved ones, interests, hobbies, new dreams and new plans for YOUR future; and depending on what YOU want, HE may or may not fit in your new life.

Find out who you are. Figure out your wants and needs. Be the best you are able to be. Get in control of you. Be in control of you. Remember, the pity pot only serves to dim the light that is sunshine. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year.

Tom

Thanks Tom. I need to correct something though. My xhusband got fired from the police force. That is actually when I think his attitude changed. He now is a supervisor at a Nursing Home for the elderly. He loves to be in authority. He loves telling people what to do and says he loves his new job.
This is where he has met 2 of the women he has went out with, ages 25 and 30. They both have moved on and say they were lured in by his charm. I believe them, because he did the same thing to me 20 years ago.
I just dread the day he really really likes someone. I think he started to have feelings for the 30 year old. She is so much like me personality wise but looks opposite of me physically.
It has only been over 3 months, and I still feel desperate. Our conversations have went from, we need to be friends first before we get back together...to...I dont know what the future holds for us...to...we are never getting back together now.
I am afraid I have ruined any chance we had by calling and trying to fix things.
What do you think? Even though I have not stopped calling, is their still time to correct this and win him back?

sunshine,

I do believe that you have reason to hope for reconciliation in your M.

I am not sure if you read my thread on this board, but in short, my separation was on Feb. 11, 2006, and my D become final on July 11, 2007. Needless to say, 11 is not my favorite number. So...I am coming up on 3 years of being apart; yes, three YEARS!

What I have learned is that being desperate for your spouse is useless and counterproductive. What IS productive is working to improve yourself physically, intellectually, spiritually, interest-wise, hobby-wise, friendship-wise...in every way. Rather than taking time pining for your wayward XH, use that time productively to make a better you. That time and effort is your gift to YOU that you get to keep regardless of what he does with HIS life.

One thing to NEVER forget, is that improving you may make you more attractive to XH (and others!), and since the will BE better, you will think more highly of yourself and your XH may no longer fit in your new life should he wake up and decide he wants a shot at reconciling with you. At that point, the decision will be YOURS and you will get to decide if he is worthy of the opportunity to reconcile with you.

The fact that you are here tells me that you believe strongly in M. Your XH has taken a huge blow to his ego because of the loss of his job. He thinks he will be able to recapture his youth, his manhood, and his 'machismo' by catching the eye of various younger women. One thing my XW has been finding out is that this Vince Lombardi quote rings true for me: Because frank_D was directed to my earlier thread, he urged me to come to grips with the fact that I am not THE problem that caused my now XW to seek a D. I am on my journey chasing perfection with the knowledge that I am never going to BE perfect but I will certainly catch excellence and be happy and fulfilled by simply being the best me I can be. It is the journey that is fun. The journey helps to distract me from thoughts that are hurtful and disturbing to by well-being. The journey is rewarding because I have control over THAT part of my life. The journey is rewarding because I see the strides I am making to improve me and I see the results.

I have made most of the 'mistakes' you will find on this board in the the DB and DR books. Since you cannot undo mistakes that you have already made, forgive yourself (HUGE relief), learn from what you've done incorrectly, and vow to DO differently going forward. Remember this, God is never surprised when you fail to keep a vow. YOU are surprised, but He never is. He forgives you and He loves you. The moral of that is YOU need to forgive you when you stumble, but more importantly you need to press on to the best of your ability in the moment. Do the best that you can do as often as you are able.

So, yes, there is still time to correct the misguided activities that you have been doing by doing differently going forward. Forgive yourself for what is passed. Focus on you, not on your XH. Improve you. Expand your interests. Stretch your level of comfort to new activities, new interests and new people.

frank_D told me: I offer his advice to you as well.

One thing I learned in watching my XW is that I had to stop believing what she SAID, and start watching what she DOES to determine what was truth. Most of the time for my XW, they were not congruent. Learning that my XW was such an accomplished and unabashed liar. THAT made me look back at all of the reasons she gave me for her being late and/or unreachable. But I also had to quickly throw those thoughts out because even if I did KNOW she was doing something she shouldn't have been doing, I would still be working to explore the possibility of reconciling our M.

As XW has gone through a string of BFs, I have watched closely because we have a D8 and S3. I have watched mostly silently, but VERY closely, because in her hurt and anger, her judgment has been suspect at best. All along the way, XW has told me that we have NO chance of reconciling. Mind you, I made lots of DBing mistakes along the way. Why? Because I was desperate for my wife and for my marriage. Only problem is that my desperation was simply a huge signal for my now XW to run from me, not a welcoming sign for her to come back to me. A friend recently told me that my XW didn't D me in order to get back together with me later. That hurt, and I see the logic in that, but if logic really prevailed always, no one would ever get divorced, would they?

The route I have taken more recently is to, again, stand fast, work to deepen my faith, be emotionally self-sufficient (at least not leaning on or pestering her), focus on my children's well-being, and to stay busy reading self-improvement material. I have also made a concerted effort to change my attitude about pretty much everything, and to take life in a much lighter, less serious way. All of this has made a difference for me, in that I am less emotionally affected by the rollercoaster ride that my XW lives her life on because I simply refuse to board. I watch from the side, rationally analyze the happenings and respond appropriately, am appropriately supportive when called upon, and I am NOT chasing her or acting NEEDY in any way.

At this point, we are much closer to the possibility of reconciling than at any point in the past three years. I regularly remind myself that I must NOT get too excited about possibilities, as possibilities often never turn into reality. I remind myself to NOT act NEEDY for her. I remind myself that I am terrified at the prospect of actually working to reconcile my M with my XW who may not be willing to work on herself and put our M first, ahead of her selfishness. I remind myself that I cannot make my M successful alone. She has to meet me halfway. She has to own her 'stuff', past and present, as I am working to own mine. I remind myself that even if my wish is God's will, XW has her own free will to do as she wishes.

As I have worked to improve myself, I have also gained remarkable self-control and improved my self-confidence. I know that I AM a catch for someone when the drama of my sitch plays itself out. Guarantees do not exist in love. I am simply hoping that that someone is my XW, but if my wish does not turn out to be my future, I will find someone whom I will meet their needs and she will meet mine and together, we will reap the benefits of our love synergy and ride off into the sunset together happy, healthy and whole.

I know I wrote a ton here, as I am often apt to do, but I cannot stress this enough:
1. Deepen your faith.
2. Forgive yourself for the past.
3. Learn from past mistakes. Strive to do better.
4. Chase perfection. Achieve excellence.
5. Make you the absolute best and most attractive you possible.
6. Read, learn, interact, expand your interests and your mind.
7. Step outside your comfort zone. Test your limits. Grow.
8. View your situation from the OUTSIDE looking IN for clarity. Give yourself advice, like you would to a good friend in your situation and FOLLOW it. (takes practice, but very effective)
9. Love yourself and treat yourself lovingly.
10. Understand that if YOU give up on reconciling your marriage, that leaves NO ONE fighting for it.

Best wishes to you. I will write to you more if you simply write to us more. We are with you, even those who have not found the time or courage to respond.

Tom

Thanks Tom.
Today I called my XH to ask about my sons truck, (he is trading it), he said he was taking a nap, (I think), anyway it was a short friendly conversation, ended nicely.
Then my son called to tell me later that I would have to find a way to pick up my vehicle, so I could get home after work. He called and asked his Dad if he would come and get me. I called my X to confirm that he was coming to pick me up and he was hateful and said he didnt know at the moment, he was still sleeping. I told him I would call back.
I called back and he said Yes (which surprised me) that he was on his way. He called me to tell me he was outside waiting and told me to hurry...HATEFULLY. I got in the truck and told him nicely Thank You and he said your welcome. We had small talk. He pulled up at my vehicle and said ok cya. Did not want to talk at all.
I went, got gas, and called him to see if I could come by. (I am so desperate to just be his friend). He said no, but I showed up at his door anyway. He didnt let me in at first but then changed his mind and told me I was hard headed. YEP thats me. Anyway we talked a bit and things happened. (and you know what I mean). All I want to do is take care of him, thats what I have done for 20 years, and I cant make myself stop.
Afterwards I was leaving and he told me that this would happen no more that it had to end because it was making me hang on. I agreed with him nicely. He said please leave before he fight, I told him I wasnt fighting with him no matter what and he didnt have to get upset. I asked him why it bothered him so much when I called him. First he said I couldnt just call once, that I called too many times. Then he said, the less I called the faster I would get on with my life. He said he wanted me out of his life completely! Of all the things he has said to me, or done, this hurt me the worst. I didnt let it show, but it did. I asked how can that be when we have a son together. He said our son was 18 and had his own life. I then left.
I called him again after I left and said some things to him. He was pretty nice and I said jokingly "Say Bye" and he said something funny back.
Also are conversations sometimes are crazy. One minute he tells me to stop calling and move on...then...I will ask him something like do you want to fix the faucet at home or do you want me to get someone else. He replys it dont matter, whatever.
To me, this is a mixed signal, or is it? What do you think?
And, what do you think about this conversation in general?
I know I messed up, but I want to tell you everything, so you will know exactly what to tell me.

Thanks,
Renee