Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Not sure what to make of this...

Thanks gang. I did decide that I'll just see where this is headed. If she's just trying to repair a bridge to friendship, ok that's fine. Being friends will make life going forward easier when it comes to parenting and such.

So I am not expecting anything from it but I am fighting off the feelings of hope. That is extremely hard to do because honestly I do still love her. I still get a skip in my heart when I see her for the first time or she walks into a room. I look forward to conversations with her, or her just being nearby. So I have some personal work to address here.

I do have a simple strategy, just be nice and friendly without expectations. This way I can guard my heart, our girls can benefit from positive interactions between their parents and my ex-wife and I can have positive interactions with each other. And if "it's meant to be" well it'll have to start with friendship and positive interactions.

So what is this week's challenge? Well, on Sunday when she dropped off the girls at my house she brought along cookies and a Christmas card. She signed it from her and the girls. I won't make even crumbs from this but it was nice. She joined the girls and me for dinner then too. I asked (it just came out, I hate when I do that) and she replied even before I had finished asking. Again, take it for what it's worth, just a nice dinner at a pizza parlor.

We did exchange Christmas lists via email and she replied almost immediately to me that she was on eBay looking for my gift. LOL! She loved what I was getting the girls, bikes and told me that although a bike is on her list for me not to spend that much money on her. So, she's getting the popcorn popper she asked for.

BTW, AmyC if you are out there, I'd love your insight given how you and your husband have played this friendship game for so long.

Sometimes you just have to scratch your head and wonder. I am doing just that today. My exwife took our two daughters up to Virginia for a day of skiing. So what does she do? She sends me a photo of the girls taken on her phone. Last week she sent me a photo of her dog after the dog had pulled together pillows in the girls playroom.

So I am scratching my head and wondering what's motivating her. What ever, I'll just enjoy the nice photos. Gotta say, I do love that silly dog and it's a dog she adopted after our separation. Would you believe that dog loves me to death too. If I am at the house, which isn't too often, the dog shadows me. The girls have told me the dog generally ignores anyone who comes to visit. Even my ex-wife has mentioned it too.

Be very carefull with any interaction. They love to use us, especally when there isn't anyone else in thier life. Remember, one of the huge fears of this B.S. is being alone. Be carefull to not just be a fill-in until someone else comes along.

I hear ya and thanks for helping me keep it square.

I have decided to get back to DBing, albeit with a lot more strength, a lot greater sense of self and a peace that I can and am taking what ever cards are dealt with pleasure and happiness. There are so many very little signals that tell me she's not done with us, that we aren't done. So, I feel like I owe it to myself, to her, to our kids, family and friends not to turn my back on it all just yet.

The words to the song "White Flag" kind of caught me the other day when I finally listened to them while it played on the radio. They say a lot about how I feel. Don't exactly identify with the mess and destruction part but I understand how some people can feel that way. For me it's about always having something positive in my heart and soul, Love. I'll always have it in some form or fashion for her.

Oh a bit of news, a woman I know from a divorce support group had great news, after 5 years of separation she and her husband are getting back together. They've been back 3 weeks now and loving it. Evidently lots of work to do but two people very willing to give it everything they've got.



"White Flag" by Dido

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothin' but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Thought I'd post just how much at peace I am at with this decision to DB again. I have said throughout this situation that I wanted to know I had done everything possible, no regrets. I realized that if I didn't give it once last go I would have regrets, regrets because if she was probing ever so slightly that I turned my back on her. Doing that is contrary to my core beliefs and what I expect of myself.

Now looking forward to this evening with my girls and friends at our vacation house!

Hello Catfan,
I am in a similar situation. My W and I have been texting and she mentioned to get together to catch up. The truth is we text every few days and occasionally talk on the phone about our kids.
It's hard not to have hope that they might be feeling something towards us. maybe my W just thinks I have finally accepted our D, who knows.

can you explain what you mean when you say you are going back to DB again. What form of DB have you been doing and how are you handling her small interest.

My ex W said we should get together to catch up. I said sure. Should I leave it and wait for her to initiate a day to get together of should I try and set it up?

Thoughts?

Here's my take on these things, texting, emailing, occasional chats. I think it's the significant other probing to see who we now are, how they feel about us, how they feel about the relationship, how we may feel in return, etc. In other words, testing the waters, and I think Michele even mentions this in her books.

Now for me what did I mean when I said getting back to DBing. Really getting back to the core principles of DBing with the biggest one being don't pressure in any way, no R talk, don't initiate, let her lead. I'll let it be known she's welcome to join the girls and I out and such but I won't pursue either. The other thing is to maintain that positive mental attitude all around. I generally am a pretty positive person but do find myself, at times, thinking negatively about the whole situation.

I really learned patience in the last two years and it's been liberating to say the least. Now what's great is I feel I have the strength to practice a great deal of patience and now can DB properly.

Lastly, I am going to re-read DR and listen to the KLA CDs completely through. Then start applying the core principles like goal setting etc.

Thank you and well said.
It really helped me.

cf,

As I recall, you have had these feelings that "something might happen" for two years now. In the end, you're divorced. Have no expectations and you'll never be dissappointed. Is she still with the other jerk?

Right you are FLTC and that is something I have started chewing on the last few days.