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You threatened her with what the kids might feel later in life?

Your consumption by a feeling that she is a selfish, manipulative cold hearted liar compelled you to call her and tell her that and tell her you hate her?

Your anger?

Your humiliation?

Your insurance?


Admittedly all of those emotions are justifiable under the circumstances however I am taken aback by what comes off to me as extreme self-centeredness. Perhaps it's just the nature of the post but my God, the woman is your WIFE. What part of 'in sickness and in health til death do you part' did you not comprehend? Don't come back and ask me what part SHE didnt comprehend either because that's not going to fly. She's having issues. Major ones that effect the whole family, yes. But you are supposed to be the strong one. It doesn't matter if you like the role you've been cast in. Are you going to play it to the best of your ability or not is the question.

The single biggest problem all across these boards is people being too caught up in what THEY feel and what THEY want. The small percentage of people here that have gotten their own selfish wants and desires (and anger) under their feet are the ones most likely to see their marriages restored.

Reading your post I thanked God that through all the hell I put my husband through he didn't say those kinds of things to me even when he did snap because that would have likely sent me right around the bend.

Let me ask you this: What price are you willing to pay for getting that stuff off your chest (you could have vented that sh*t here!)?

Think about it.

Because when you are dealing with a walk away wife and you choose to get stuff 'off your chest' in the manner that you did you might as well just get a gun and shoot yourself in the foot and go file for divorce your damn self.

Do you feel driven in your heart and soul to stand for the restoration of your marriage?

If so, tighten up.

If not, choose your steps wisely and carefully and handle the business at hand.

Just don't blow your own ass out of the water before you've had a chance to truly decide based on what's in your heart instead of what's on your mind.

((DDAY))

Listen ((AmyC)) she is telling you straight. Your uncontrolled venting to your W may have cost you the whole ball of wax. Your uncontrolled venting may have set you back months, if not longer. I think you better go very dark and lay low for a while. At least until you can control your emotions with and around your W.

You are not the only one around here that has and will get anger and is shamed of their sitch. Your C may have told you not to keep it your emotions bottled inside you, but I just bet she didn't tell you to blow–up to your W. There are other ways to blow off steam. (1) Is writing down what you want to say, (2) posting here, (3) find a very close friend you can vent to, (4) tell it to your C. I have writing my WAW 6 letters filled with gilt, anger, shame etc... But I never sent them. I put them away where know one can find them. I have felt better.

Do you really think your W is not going through the same bad time? I am willing to bet she is hurting more than you think. Now you may have just turn up the heat and pressure on her to the point...... Who knows? Stop talking to people about your sitch. Change the subject. Do something, but discuss it with them.

I am LBS. I have been going through the same H*LL as you are for the last 5 months. Yes, I have wanted to tell my W what I believe truth as I see it. About what she is doing to me, us and the family. I have to admit that I have had I have expresses some of my hurt and anger to W. It made feel better for about 15 minutes. After that 15 minutes I hated myself and wished I had not said a word. I should have stayed dark. I have learned from the fine people here, my IC and readings that controlling my emotions; especially my anger is the best for me to archive my goals. I am not saying that I will be successful in saving my M. But at least I will not regret the things I have said or done to my W some time in the future.

Look. It is not over until it is over. You can still make a deference. But you must learn to control your anger or it will not only destroy any chance you may have to save your M, but it will destroy YOU.

Suck it up and get with the program. We are here to listen, advise, and help. If you have to run your thoughts (2 a.m. thoughts) by the people here before to take your next step. Talk to your C about your anger. Your C will help you work out your anger issues.

Hang in there!

VS

Amy,

I know my saying what I did may come off as extreme to some if not most. One of my major contributions to the seperation was I never voiced myself. I always kept to myself in fears of getting her upset. Another is as I slipped away from her, it wasn't just her, but the entire family, so for me to show pure concern for my kids was a complete eye opener, not selfishness.

Whats one of our steps in the program? Do a 180*. That is one of my 180*s and guess what, as scary and wowing as it may be to your stich, it helped mine. W has pretty well now flat out said, she wants to straighten things out and does not want to file for D!!!

She's calling me now, so I'll finish up later!

Well, yet another sane and meaningful conversation for the most part.

VS, yes I know she is going through a bad time. Her ride has obviously begun. She says she is having a hard time keeping her head straight and is confused but wants to work towards being "friends".

Although that is entirely wonderful and a definate start, it does cause a conflict of interest as she is still with OM I don't know how to keep myself together just yet being friends to my W who is with someone else. I feel she kind of put me to a test just now when she said she was having a hard time with things yesterday also because OM's mother is in the hospital. I kept my cool and listened. I also listened to her talk of her problems and merely expressed my concern for her and she knows how to get a hold of me as I can relate to what she's going through and care.

So Amy, back to you, in your opinion, should I not put my hand out for her and let her deal with it on her own, or would it be helpful if I did? This goes back to my 180, I haven't been very sensitive to her needs for a while and I'm not sure if I do it may show her yet another change in me, or confuse her more?

Oh , and for the record, the call in question was not made in a tone of anger at all and I said that I hated to feel that way becaseu I don't want to.

She was taken aside by the fact that I actually expressed myself openly like that. Positive change Might even see her tonite to which she sounded sort of upset if she doesnt

Hey I don't mind being wrong in a case like this.
I love it in fact!

Just be careful you don't cross a line when you're expressing yourself - if you do it wrong and it sounds too much like you're blaming HER for EVERYTHING she will withdraw and you'll have been two steps forward just to wind up 3 steps back.

Enough said about that.

Hell maybe your sitch will turn out to be one where you just needed to man up and stop kowtowing to her!

Good luck and keep us posted!



AmyC

Amy,

I know your quotes my not perfectly apply this this thread, but I thought that they profound for many of us LBHs. You can't vent and validate at the same time. You can't listen and talk at the same time. You can't be right (again) and expect her to heal.

I hope that I am finally evolving to one of those who have put their feelings and anger under feet in hopes of their W's healing. We aren't talking about an R, but when we do talk, I am sensing her more and less of me. It's not that I don't feel me, but I've got to let her heal without worrying about me - at least in conversation.

I'd rather be in my marriage than right all the time.

Sorry to hi-jack, but I what you (and VC 54) are saying needs to be heard by us LBS.

Thanks Amy!

I understand your position and thank you for your input. Perhaps a little more insight to my sitch will help you understand. My W mother passed 2 years ago and sent W into a slow developing tail spin I didn't pick up on. We as most people were/are in a financial bind with the cost of a home we got greedy for when the market was good. She turned to her friends, when I wasn't there for her in which she became addicted to drugs. I saw this as I was being shut out and felt like I just wasn't good enough to support her needs. In turn while doing so she began to have her A, weither it was a PA or EA before walking, I'm not sure.

It's taken me a long time to see and know that I did in fact put my hand in causing her to be in the situation she is. Every day I learn something new about what I did wrong. Hence, I accept and forgive.

By me speaking for myself and expressing what I feel to her instead of keeping it inside is a huge change for me. I would always 'bottle up' to avoid conflict, which in turn obviously back-fires. I know it's a fine line, but know that when I do tell her what is on my mind whether positive or negative, I now say it in a tender tone, without casting blame, and apologize if there may be no way to put it kindly. She has accepted this thus far and has been thankful in her own way for me stating how I feel. Granted she may feel that I teeter at times and she doesn't know which way I'm going, but she is starting to understand that it's her situation with OM that creates it.

I am by no means being selfish anymore, yes I was, but not now. I see her 'ride' taking off and only hope she makes it thrugh okay (and quickly would be nice, but hey). I am more than confident now that she will come full circle through this and we'll have a lot of work, but in the end a much better understanding of each other.

I did play the typical LBS and beg and plead and push her away further. Now after learning that the hard way, I now know better. I do not bring up R or M talk, I let her. I try not to make initial contact each day, I let her. I'm letting her determine what my role in her life is instead of asking. And it works so far

So, in closing, what do you say to my question from your standpoint? Do you think it would be helpful or hurtful to try and aide her through her ride?

Thanks!

And the ride continues

Still wants to be friends for a chance for things to grow, but yet IS with OM and "that's how it is". Everytime I hear that now, I get pushed away. How does someone not understand how badly that crushes their husband/wife to be told this? I honestly think maybe we should go back to silent terms. I'm somewhat understaning of her position and willing to do this with her, but I question my stability in doing so.

I think at this point you have to aid YOURSELF through YOUR ride.

Like when oxygen masks deploy during an aircraft emergency, you have to get one on yourself before you try to help someone else.

In light of your latest post, it might also be time to consider setting some boundaries in your situation.

Since she is with OM still, she has no reason to think you're suddenly going to morph into her best friend. It isn't rational. You're her husband and she's screwing around, torn by that fact or not, that IS a fact and it's ON HER. YOU did not make her have an affair. She made the conscious decision to do that. So while you are facing your own mistakes, make sure that's not on your list.

Now YOU have to decide how close you will let her get to you and you have to base it NOT on what you desire but what you know is BEST FOR YOU under these circumstances. Once you determine that, you set limits, whatever they may be for your personal situation. It won't be easy but it's important that you show self-respect as well as that new willingness to open up to her.

That's my opinion.

Basically to start straddling the fine line between standing up for yourself and being a doormat.

Good luck with it and don't worry about backsliding.

It happens to everyone.

It's the only way we learn.



AmyC