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I had considered calling H to speak to him AGAIN about talking to me about weekends with S16 since H doesn't abide by the court appointed every other weekend. But, I figured it would fall on deaf ears. I've spoken to H 3 times about this. So, I took the energy I was going to use on H and put it work finding a hotel for ME on the beach this weekend! I'm going by myself. I can't wait.

I need some help here folks.

My H lives 1 1/2 hrs away with OW. H and I don't talk/communicate (except my text slip up last week) unless it's about S's which is almost never. I see OW's comments on her myspace page about how GREAT her weekend was with her man, can't wait for her man to come home, etc.

My question is, how in the hell can H and I ever get back together if we aren't communicating or seeing each other. We don't have it like some here with younger kids because S16 drives to his dad's when he wants to see him. So H has no need to come to the house or ever see me again.

Absence is not making his heart grow fonder.

He has OW 24/7 and they are SO happy.

I have been working on myself. I started selling Silpada Designs to help supplement my full time job. I really love it. I've met some really nice people. I don't date (honestly no one has even approached me) and I've never been one for the bar seen. A friend just told me about a divorce group at her church that I'm going to go to with her. I'm alway here for S16. H doesn't take his every other weekends with S16 (S16 doesn't care to go) so it's not like I can make any plans for get aways for myself.

We will be separated a year next month. A YEAR!! My how time flies when you're going through hell.

So what do I do? Do I pack it in? Do I conceed defeat? Do I say thanks for 21 yrs., 2 great kids, see ya? Honestly, if H and I don't see/speak to each other how is this fixable? It's like I am a total stranger to him.

HELP!!! I don't know what to do. How do I go about saving my marriage?

I feel so alone.

Well, tonight S16 has a football game. I wonder if H will bring OW. I know she doesn't have her kids this weekend.

ANYONE OUT THERE? I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE SOME FEED BACK ON MY POST FROM 10/1.

Well S16 team lost their football game in OT. It was a great game. OW didn't come but H was wearing an extrememly ugly shirt. He's trying to act young. Such a shame. None of our friends would set with him. Why can't he see what he's doing is so wrong? No one approves.

S16 went Saturday to H and OW's house. S16 had not been there in 3 months. He wasn't even there 24 hours. He was back before lunch on Sunday. I guess it was a good thing that I didn't go to Florida like I was planning to do.

S20, S16, H and OW went to play pool Saturday night. I'm sure they were geting beers for them. Real good. S20 (A MINOR) has 2 DWI's that we are still going to court over and S16 certainly doesn't need to be drinking but I don't think he did. S16 seems to have more since then they do and besides someone needed to drive their drunk asses home!

S20 followed S16 home but he went to his friends house. He only spent 20 minutes with me. I try not to get angry with S20 but I guess I'm just so jelouse of MY son living with OW and all the time that she is spending with him and I don't get to spend much time with him. Then, he lied to me about having to leave to go back to where he has been working. I found out he went back to OW's to eat dinner with H & OW and their 2 only friends. Why lie to me? I am so tired of being lied to. Don't they realize that telling the truth may hurt but not as bad as being lied to?

I feel like I'm talking to myself here.

S20 told me that H and OW got him a bottle of Petron for his birthday. Real good. Contribute to the problem. While I paid for a month of his insurance and didn't get a thank you.

S20 got arrested AGAIN last Saturday. Minor in possession of alcohol. JUST GREAT!! HOW MUCH MORE CAN I TAKE? I went to court yesterday with him for DWI #1. Everything seems to be going OK. Now we need to see what will be done with DWI #2.

H & OW are being S20's "buddies" while I'm the responsible parent.

Please God give me strenght to get through this.

S16 broke his arm Friday night during the game. It didn't break all the way through the bone just fractured it.

H brought OW to the game and she sat with some of my supposed friends. That really hurt.

H actually met us at the doctor the next am for the x-ray. He's only been to 6 doctor vists for both boys and that includes their births.

H didn't invite S16 to go with him and OW for their weekend. But, some how S16 leaked my plans to H. I went out of town to H's brothers house for their annual party and had a great time. S16 stayed with a friend but H could have invited S16 to go with him and OW. OW didn't have her kids and I guess she didn't want to be bothered with mine. I know H didn't mention anything about his weekend because I asked S16 what his dad was up to this weekend and he said IDK. I wasn't quizzing him it came up in conversation.

OK, I found out something today and I really need some advise.

In June 2007, we had a party for our friends birthday. I'd noticed H and another friend always by each other. H had told me the day after the party that the friend had asked him for his cell phone number. The friend and her boyfriend have been having problems for quite some time. Oh yea, she has a smoken hot body. I'd mentioned all of this to my friend who the party was for. At the time, she said that she couldn't see our friend doing this. She'd known her for quite some time (I'd only recently met her) and she didn't think that she'd asked him for his number and we left it at that.

Today, I spoke with my friend and I finally had the courage to ask her why she'd asked H for his number. Needless to say, she'd told me she'd been waiting to tell me the truth since it'd happened because she had told H that we were all friends and that was all it was going to be. She'd told me that he had been making comments to her when we'd have get togethers prior to the party and at the party he followed her everywhere and wanted her number to see about going to lunch sometime to talk about her problems and be a shoulder for her. He'd apologized to her a couple of months after the party saying he'd probably had too much to drink.

H doesn't want to get back together at all with me. I know that there are successful DBers out there that there H/W's have said the same thing. So, do I continue trying to reconcile?

I REALLY NEED SOME ADVISE.

SL,
I am surprised more people haven't posted to you, but I believe this is the first time I've come across your thread myself, and I'm on here (MLC forum) almost every day. You can post on other people's threads and ask them to check your thread and post to you. I do that sometimes with people I especially respect and/or have developed something of a rapport with.

I think what you need to do right now is to work on yourself, and find your own bliss. Not for him, but for you. For the time being, focus on making YOUR life better. Let him flap in the breeze without your involvement. Go dim on him...don't contact him unless it's something NEW and major that you need to discuss with him, or he contacts you about something important. Don't initiate any R talks.

DO NOT tell him about the bad stuff you have found out about OW. It WILL come back and bite you in the butt. You, the messenger, will get shot. In fact, don't say anything to him at all about her if you can possibly avoid it; if you can't avoid it, make sure it's at least neutral. (BTW, I had to do a couple of little searches on slang terms while reading your posts...did you know there's an entry in Wikipedia for "camel toe"--including a picture! )

About the friend whose number he was asking for...I'd say let that go for now. You have bigger things to worry about at the moment. Wasn't he officially with you but seeing OW on the side at the time? How many women can one man juggle? Puh-LEEEEZE. It's blatantly obvious that he has been of a straying mindset for a while now. If he was hitting on someone else in addition to OW, well, OW wasn't keeping him happy enough then, I'm guessing. So I wouldn't assume everything is peachy between them now.

Right now I think your best "trying to reconcile" move is to make yourself into a happy person, for YOURSELF, with the side effect that it may make him take notice too. Do not engage with him unless absolutely necessary.

You see it all the time on this board...WAS's always "affair down," and that's obviously true here. In my case, I'm a muscular size 2 gymnast/yogi, H told me many times that I was the smartest person he knew, and I have a variety of other appealing characteristics (although obviously not perfect!); his OW is half my age, still in college, and weighs probably 300 pounds or maybe even more; I think she's about as wide as she is tall (not trying to pick on heavy people, but H *never* expressed interest in anyone who wasn't fairly trim before...but they met via the internet <sigh>). Anyway, it will obviously take a while, but eventually your H will figure out that he is getting a raw deal by choosing her. DO NOT get involved with trying to wake him up to that fact. You can't sling mud without getting some of it on yourself. He will not consider you a reliable source of information about her, as you have ulterior motives.

Have you checked out http://www.rejoiceministries.org ? They have lots of info and resources for people who are standing for their marriages, and a daily devotional you can sign up for--no charge.

Hope this helps you! Maybe this bump will get some other people to post to you too!

Blessings and peace,
Dawn

Well I agree with Dawn. She gives very good advice. You can't tell H anything right now. Not about the debt, not about the OW. I know it hurts. You also can't get so angry with S's. I realize that it feels like they are choosing him over you, but they are just kids. They are very confused as well. S19 is showing definite irresponsible behavior, probably in part as a reaction to all of this. I had a friend who was killed by a drunk driver while in high school, so I hope he can really get some help. S16 sounds like he is doing well. He has a good focus and you need to help him keep that. You also need to focus on yourself. That is what is important now.