Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I was unfaithful

I think this is excellent advice. In the past, I would often do things (or not do things) or make decisions motivated out of fear. I think that's a horrible way to live and I was getting more and more like that pre-bomb. That is one major change I've really tried to work on. If I'm scared of something, now I like to almost make myself do it, b/c I don't want to be motivated by fear anymore. It's important for healthy Rs, but healthy people too... karen

"I wish he had put his foot down" sounds like nonsense to me.

Nobody can force anybody else to face their responsibilities.
It comes from within.
Best anyone can do is show people....
- compassion for screw ups and mistakes
- the right path
- encouragement to do the right thing
- understanding for ongoing escapades
- a clear line on what is acceptable and what is not

I redoubled my efforts to help out at home, too, while at the same time insisting on no contact with the OM. You cannot blame a husband for that. You cannot blame the people who are being abandoned for trying harder to make it nice at home.

Trying harder does not have to be motivated by "fear". When I looked ahead at a life apart, I did not like what I saw. I preferred a life together. Is that fear? I felt like it was clear thinking on my part.

I kind of think we don't think that much differently. Yes, you can't force someone to face their responsibilities and you have to make your own choices and all that. But in the past b/c I was scared, I would be wimpy and all that and put up with may too much crap b/c I was scared if I acted a certain way H would leave me. But the truth was even before he "left" he had kind of mentally check out of our M. So in retrospect if I had to do it over again I would do some things differently, try not to be so motivated by fear as I was early on. Of course, that doesn't excuse mistakes or poor choices my H made or anything. Karen

ok then! I love it when we agree!
Sending good vibes to Mof3.....

It probably depends on where you are in the situation and the people involved. For example, if it's still early in an affair and things haven't gone too far, or the spouse involved is kind of on the fence about things, putting down boundries may help. On the other hand, if the A has developed, the spouse is beginning to lean towards leaving the M, putting down boundries may just give them a convenient excuse to leave (of course, at that point they will look for any excuse).

Sometimes the best thing to do is look very carefully at motivations, individual risk-taking or non-risk taking tendencies, where things are with the relationships involved, and then try something and guage the reaction. Pay attention to what seems to work, and what doesn't work, and then react based on that.

'Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.'

A quote from my C. A reason for how I used to live and no longer choose to live. It affected how I loved and fear will never taint that again. I will love unconditionally and honestly next time. I cant wait. It will be amazing !

I am detaching.

Merry christmas to you all. I will be sleeping off the food and the wine before most of you guys even get started.

Hi to all of you guys yet to do christmas day.

H came over this morning with an amazing lot of food and platters. He did an awesome job for the family. i am glad that i was able to have him here and not get upset. I thought I would be upset once he left but I was okay.

He brought me some lovely presents and I think he liked his. Bit boring but what he likes i think. Main thing kids enjoyed there day.

I got a little bluesy in the afternoon at my mothers and sent him a nice text. He did not reply. That is who he has become with me now and that is ok. As long as he keeps up daily contact with the kids. My focus and care had turned to them and i think by making some good choices , they seem happy.

Long way to go and I still hold hope that my next relationship is indeed with H. but at the same time I see that the future is to move on. That does not mean give up , it just means start to live.

Tom thanks for posting on FB. Your support here and on Fb has been appreciated. I know your heart desperately wants your family back and I hope that you get your christmas wish for that. Same for everyone here.

Good luck you guys for your christmas day.

Hi - Thanks Dino for your support to on Fb and I know you really really really want your family together. Hope it happens soon.

I am off on holiday now for a few weeks and really looking forward to it. Weather should be good. Got lots of books and family around me. Just got the yuk job of packing.

Have a good new year everyone.

M....

I am so happy that you had a lovely Christmas.

Your H bringing you food and lovely gifts is a GOOD THING.

Your H took the time to think about a gift(s) for you.

Your H took the time to buy a gift(s) for you.

Your H took the time to wrap a gift(s) for you.

Your H came over with gifts and food and genuinely wanted to make Christmas a GOOD day for ALL of you.

Your detaching is the best thing for you and him right now. I am proud of you. You will continue this tug of war within yourself. This is very hard. You are now on the right track. Maintain it.

Your Christmas was wonderful.........

My H came over on Christmas at 1:30pm. He brought a gift for son. We watched son open it and he loved it. I was very glad for H that son really loved his gift.

I was in the middle of putting together a lasagna, so after the gift for son I went back to the kitchen to finish that.

My H came into the kitchen and placed a Victoria's Secret bag on the counter. My H had bought me a gift. It was the first gift H had bought me since 2004. I was so speechless, my heart was pounding. I opened the bag, H had bought me a beautiful silk nightie. I think the fact that H bought me an "intimate gift" was huge.

NOW.....I asked H why he bought me a gift: H said "I wanted to buy you something because you have been really nice to me". He also said "you have been wearing some really cute things and I wanted to get you something that was cute on you too".

M....I want to share this with you.....In my sitch, my DB is bringing my H and I closer to each other.

We still may end up D'd but my H and I have travelled miles back towards each other and yes it is taking a long time. It is OK.

I did not buy a gift for H. I will not because H has an OW. It is that simple for me. I love him to pieces and would have liked nothing better than to have some gifts for H, but right now I cannot and will not do that.

I also look at the gift H bought for me....a nightie from Victoria's Secret. One does not just buy from that store for anyone. It is a special store where you pick out a gift for a special lady. I read volumns into that alone. Maybe I shouldn't.

M....please keep posting here. I read what you wrote to Mamanpc. I want you to feel like you have a place here regardless of what is going on. This place is for all of us...The support is invaluable. We don't always like what we are told BUT that is not always a bad thing. Regardless of the advice we DO use it to see if it pertains to our sitch or not. We all care about each other here.

I needed to write to you and tell you about my Christmas. I would have never thought I would have received a gift from my H again, and here I am. There is hope......I have worn my nightie for the past two nights even though H is not here. I feel closer to him.

I want you to have a wonderful holiday vacation with your family. Use it to recharge your soul. Come back from vacation and tell us how it went. I hope your H pays you all a visit. Anything is possible....

I want only the best for you...Warm wishes for a very happy 2009.

Please take care and keep the faith.....

Sanderika

oh Sanderika, i am SO happy for you too! i do agree that the type of gift H got for you is VERY significant. it's wonderful that you have come closer to each other. and i do understand very well why you don't want to buy a gift for H because he's with OW.

I agree with you and your request to Mof3 re:posting. Even when it's annoying/painful/or we disagree, it can still be intersting and insightful.

i am so happy that your xmas went ok, M! i think that's a great sign of progress too.
Hang in there, all of you, and Happy New year, may it be filled with hope and joy and progress on yourselves and your R with YOURSELF as a 'whole' person, whatever is happening with your partner.