I hope she sees the stocking. I know when I went to my wife's and saw my stocking up it meant a lot. It's the little things that sometimes mean the most.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
...just got a call this morning from my W asking if I could keep S2 home with me today, since he woke around 4am and threw up...I said of course...and she kept asking me if I had anything else scheduled so she could leave her work early and come get him. I said no, I don't have anything pressing, and would just stay with him today...
When I got online, I noticed that she had also sent me an email around 5am saying the same thing: ................... Hi,
[S2] woke up at 4.30 and threw up. I don't think he should go to school today, since he still hasn't had much to eat. I have a lot to do at work since I left early yesterday and am taking next week off-- is there any way you can stay home with [S2] today? If you have anything scheduled, maybe we can work around it.
Please let me know.
Thanks,
[W]
.......................... So...she did have to mention that she left work early yesterday (which was because I had asked her if she could pick up S2 early from me) - and she did her usual thing of not even typing my name into the note...which may seem like nothing - but happens to be very unusual for her - though all of her emails to me have been that for the last few months...she won't type my name...
Anyway...I'm glad that I can stay home with S2 today - especially since I know he loves being home with me - and right now he's just mesmerized by the lights around the Christmas tree - and the lights I put up yesterday around the chimney...
Volleydog - thanks for swinging by - I thought it was wonderful that your wife put up your stocking.
WIT - I was wondering about how you're doing...I also just wanted to let you know that reading about your journey through self-healing helped me understand my approach my wife more. For a while, I still had something Patricia Evans wrote in her book floating through my head - in that she claimed that abusive women can't change - or are unwilling to change - at least that has been the case in her practice...and sometimes, reading through this board, it seems like the way my W has been/become simply meant our M was a doomed enterprise...reading about your work and your willingness to improve let me know that there is a chance...and that made me more patient and open.
I'm still detached, keeping my distance, giving my W all the space she needs - and am moving on with my life as I have to - and I'm also seeing my wife in a different light - and feeling a lot more compassion for her pain - and am even more resolved not to engage her in her anger/battles - since I can see more and more how little they really have to do with me.
Well...she just dropped off baby...and he seems totally fine...so it's a bit of a mystery to me that she thinks he's very sick...He came into the house and immediately started running around and playing monster...right now he's sitting next to me on the couch (since I figure he woke up so early, he might need some rest) and we're catching up a bit on Sesame Street.
She actually got out of the car and rang the doorbell this morning - rather than calling me from the car and telling me she was here...she also brought S2 to the door - and handed me a bag of extra clothes (in case he throws up again...I guess she doesn't think I have any clothes for him, but I do)...and she handed me a bag of dirty baby wipes - since he had stepped in dog poop at her place...and she handed be a little baggie of crackers for S2...I took them all without comment - and went back inside...
She is calming down more...and I will just let it be and continue to do what I'm doing...since it's hard to make anything of her moods - either positive or negative - since she often seems to be putting on an act...I try to take the act at face value - but sometimes I can't help but notice her tells.
After going through this mess with my M...I think I can handle just about anything...at least that's what I tell myself...
So...here's a question...since I have S2 home sick with me today, should I send my W an email letting her know how he's doing? Or should I let her initiate contact and ask about him? I feel like I should leave it up to her...but was wondering about other opinions.
That's a tough question. I was in that situation not too long ago and I decided to not make contact but my W did call, I told her that everything was fine but if anything changes I'll give you a call, she called again a few hours later.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Carlos - I am not a parent so what do I know about it, but I would do what you feel is right as a dad, not as a DBing LBS.
I am amazed at some of the similarities in the behavior of your W and my H. Mine avoids using my name in emails, too. It is very strange for him. In the first couple months, I assumed it was to show me he had no feelings for me. At some point I told him I accept our reality and he should feel free to address me by my name. He said he would. He still rarely uses my name. I now think it causes him pain. I really do.
Mine also looks like a ghost. But in my situation, no one who has known him long enough has seen him. He is artfully dodging my family who are trying to reach out to him. He is no dummy. Most of my family think I am exaggerating when I describe his appearance. Only one mutual friend, with whom he works, sees him and she recognizes the changes, but she sees him daily so it's less shocking.
But back to you. You are an amazing parent to your boys. You are teaching them both amazing things about love, understanding, compassion and kindness. I wish all parents were like you.
Well...it's 1pm now and she hasn't called or emailed...strange...I just can't imagine not checking on him...breaks my heart a bit...
Actually, I've been a mess today - can't really explain it fully - just a lot of sadness over my wife and what she's going through - having a friend see her that way last night just left me very down today...having my baby boy home with me is nice - though I just wish he weren't under the weather - he just fell asleep leaning on me a few minutes ago - and so I set him down in his crib - and right after that I got a call from my S11 - he actually had a second snow day today (in Southern CA!) - and so he wanted to do a video chat...which we did - and it was fun...
Like you, VD, I've decided not to make contact - since I know that he's fine...and it's not up to me to fix her parenting skills...
Beth...your words made me cry...in a good way...sometimes I feel so beaten down by the sadness of what we're going through - that I just have to dig deep inside and remember to do what is best for my boys...I can't help but wish my wife could see me as you describe - but she just doesn't...and that, despite being detached from her anger and choices, still hurts...
I wonder how much of what she's going through also includes a lot of elements of depression - frankly - when I saw her yesterday - and, really, most of this week, she has looked ghostly and sad...and very unhealthy...and I worry so much about her...as harmful as she can be - she doesn't deserve the pain she is in...no one does...but it just saddens me so deeply sometimes to think that she is giving up something that she wants so much...a happy family, a loving, supportive husband, a safe place to be loved...I don't know if she'll ever see it - or if I'll even have the strength to give her the amount of time she needs to see it...but I want to...I really do want to...and yet I have to balance this desire - this distant hope - with the stark reality that I have got to move on with my life - and accept what has been dealt me - and I have got to stay strong and stable for my kids...I don't have a choice there...even when I have moments of falling apart...I do not have a choice but to be strong for them.
Okay...I know that part of this is because my S11 and I are leaving on Sunday...and I keep picturing us back in my mother's house and my father's house...and I can already imagine the strange feeling of not having my W and baby there with us...and that's just destroying me today...I don't know how else to describe...I just hope letting some of this pain out now - feeling it now - will help me be stronger when I'm back home for the holidays - and it's just me and my S11...
For the first time in all of this...I found myself on my knees this morning...praying, praying so hard that God or whatever is out there could find a way to open my W's heart...even if it means she moves on without me...just for her to heal...for the sake of my son...so that we can find some closure, something...
Okay...I really am okay...I know what I have to do...I think I just needed to take the time to let these emotions come up and come through me...but I know that I will be stronger even by tonight...that's how I cycle sometimes through my pain.
If it was me, I wouldn't call her to let her know how A is doing. I dare say she will ring sometime during the day (or text, or email) to ask how he is. Particularly if he seems to be fine. I think it would be a bit different if he was still sick. You are the parent today, your w needs to work. Let her concentrate on that. She will appreciate you being a dad and being someone that she doesn't have to check up on (I know, I know...she hasn't acted like that much...but I live in hope for the future). You will reap the benefits at some point (cross fingers).
As far as A not seeming sick. That's definitely a kid thing. d7 doesn't often throw up, but when she has, she has been fine ten minutes afterwards (sometimes even fine straight away - particularly when she was A's age). It's only been as she has gotten older (5 years plus I guess) that throwing up usually results in her sleeping more from the effort.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Hi Purple... He does seem fine now...he ate a bit...fell asleep on my lap...but played with me a lot this morning - and wasn't at all fussy - and had no signs of fever, etc. I think he may have just caught a bug yesterday.
I like the idea of just letting her focus on her work - and focusing on my role as the parent today...I was just about to send her a note just saying what I wrote above - the he played, no fever, fell asleep and is fine...but I guess if all is well, she really doesn't have to hear about it...
I'm glad you have hope for the future...I know that I do too...it's muted...but it's in me...
