The last 2 days have been interesting and eventful so I feel the need to talk about it. Yesterday was H's birthday, and when I told him on thursday that he needed to leave he asked if he could wait until after his bday. I said sure because I felt the kids needed to be with him on his bday.
Yesterday was tough for H. His family is mad at him, my family is mad at him, and I think he is mad at himself, he just won't talk about it. He came home after work and the kids and I put together a nice pizza supper, made cupcakes with candles, and handmade/wrapped presents. I could tell that he really appreciated it. I gave him a card that said that I did wish him the best in life and would be here for him as a friend. He cried and gave me a big hug.
After supper, he rented a movie and ppv and invited me to watch with him and the kids. It was nice to have a family evening, and I didn't feel all the anxiety because I had finally made a decision and felt at peace about it. AFter the kids went to bed H went out with some friends. (didn't ask, didn't care)
Today I worked so he stayed home with kids. When I got home he had a bag packed and was crying. Said goodbye to kids and when I asked him where he was going he said to OW, but she isn't there, just sleeping on her couch. IDK if I believe him, but at least he left. He asked if he could come over tomorrow to be with me and the kids, and I agreed.
For the first time, I am at peace with my decision to ask him to leave. Also for the first time, H said "I really want to work this out, we need to work this out". He even said that he loved me. He hasn't said that for almost 3 months. I thought this was at least a step. He still hasn't agreed about the OW, but I didn't bring that up tonight.
Silverfox - I just got Love Must be Tough in the mail today and started reading it. I'm glad to hear that I am already following some of the priciples. Your right, respect is the biggest issue for me, I just can't live in a home without respect.
The consequences that H will experience are many, not just from me I fear. But, I am learning that I have protected him from himself for a long time and it is time that he felt the pain that I have been feelings. I do still want this to work out, but am learning to stand up for myself and live one day at a time.
I would love to hear Puppy's take on this. I seem to see that he is big on consequences.
I'm so glad you are taking these steps. He'll probably figure out very quickly that the grass isn't greener w/OW. My only advise would be to set more boundaries. He probably shouldn't be coming over all the time--that just sounds like cake eating to me. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, b/c I know how important time together is, but I just am disgusted at the fact that he is living w/OW. Keep setting boundaries and stay strong. It's sounds like you are coping well.
Tonight my H actually left for the night. He is staying at OW's house and still claims that they are just friends and "where else am I supposed to stay?" I told him that if he would agree to stop contact with OW he could stay here, but he still isn't willing to do that.
My C recommended I change the way I discuss the OW a little and I did that tonight. I made a point to say that "the R with OW is hurtful to me." H continues to reinterate that they are "just friends", but I said the "friendship" is hurtful to me. If I had a friend that made him uncomfortable, out of respect for my H and his needs I would stop contact with my friend. Until he is willing to do that, I cannot move forward.
So, here I am, home alone with the kids, and actually feel at peace with my decision. I hope that he can respect that these are my needs. Today he thanked me for dinner, something that he hasn't done for ages, and actually talked about getting a second job to help us with finances. IDK, I want to believe him, but I know that I really shouldn't.
My biggest concern is where to go from here. I stood my ground and now we are sleeping apart, but what now? Where do we go from here? I am a planner and a doer, and I feel like I don't know what to do.
I know exactly how you feel about planning things! I hate this state of limbo, but I think all we can really do at this point is take it one day at a time. The Bible says that we should not worry about tomorrow, because today has enough worries of its own, so I try to think of that. Afterall, how much control do we really have over these things? Also, remember that although we may plan God may have other things in mind for us. I'm really trying to see that through all of this God is trying to teach me something. I've been a believer for 10 years now, so I know that he is with me and he is allowing (but definitely not causing!) this in my life for a reason and purpose, so I am just trying to make knowing his will my focus in life. Just try to focus on yourself and the things that you would like to change in your own life. Let your H worry about himself. I think if it's truly meant to be between the two of you then it will happen regardless of what you do or don't do. I don't know, I suddenly feel very differently about my own situation. I was so sad and hurt and confused and all of that and all I wanted to do was hold on to my W with all my might, but now I am very at peace with my life. It's very wierd and it seemed to have happened very suddenly. Things changed for me when I decided to take some matters into my own hands to secure myself financially. I realized that she really doesn't want me right now and I don't think that I want her either at this point. She's just no longer the woman I married and the things that she values at this time in her life are in total opposition to what I value. Deep down inside I hope things change between us, but only if that means my needs are being met. I don't want to be married to her just for the sake of being married. Do you feel that way as well? Ask yourself what you want in a H; does your H meet those needs? Did he ever? Do you think he can? I think that is a good starting point in regards to planning and doing.
First, I want to thank you so much for continuing to check on me and write. It's funny you should ask those questions. My Mom asked me the same thing today. She asked if I still love my H and do I really want to be M to him, or just want to be M? I really don't know the answer right now. I also don't think that I am in a great frame of mind to answer those questions.
I don't think that my H ever really met my needs, but I'm also not sure that I asked for him to meet my needs in the most positive way. My way of trying to get what I wanted was to nag and be passive-aggressive. I am trying to be more open and specifically ask for what I need, and then follow through. This is a 180 for me.
The thing that I most have to let go of is that I can't fix H. I need to work on GAL, and focusing on what makes me happy. I can't make up his mind, I can't make him happy, and I can't make him love me. I haven't gone out with friends, without my kids ever. Money has always been part of the problem, but I need to find some things that I enjoy for me and do them. I need to make me a priority.
So this is what I am going to do: 1. Stick with my guns that H can't live here until he is willing to NC with OW 2. Start running 3 times a week (I feel soooo much better when I do that) 3. Plan a night out with the girls for next weekend. 4. No R talks with H 5. Smile and be happy whenever around H.
You are welcome. I feel like we all really need the support--I know I do. I find so much comfort and release in this forum. I think you are definitely on the right track with your list. I know first hand that GAL is very difficult; for so many years my life was completely wrapped up in my W and family. Running is great thing. I run about 25 miles a week and I feel so much better after each run. Definitely stick to that. And definitely stay away from R talk. I just realized that my W never brings up our R unless it's to talk about moving out or divorcing; ask yourself if your H ever brings it up; does he ever say, "Let's figure out a way to make our R work?" My guess is probably not. They just don't want to talk about it, so we should not bring it up. I think another we both probably need to realize is that we must meet our OWN needs and not expect our needs to be met by anyone else. I believe you can do this!
The other thing I am going to focus on is letting go of my obsession with OW. Her comments and actions are far more hurtful to me than anything and they send me off on a tailspin of pain. I am soing to stop focusing on her and start seeing the positive baby steps.
That is sooo hard to do. I know I was obsessed with the OM for months. I used to follow up on him on a daily basis. I just really needed to know what the hell my w thought was so great about him. It's hard to stop obsessing, but you will definitely feel a lot better once you do.
I am starting to pray for OW. That is my lead to forgive her. H continues to claim that they are "just friends" so I am letting go of her and praying for her to "grow up".
