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Being nice is not the same as being a doormat. You are unfailingly kind to your H. Don't feel bad about protecting yourself.

Hi Sophie,

I think you are doing great and it sounds like you have a good L who understands you and what you want.

Deciding to answer back with a Counterclaim was a stressful time for me too. I couldn't eat or sleep and changed my mind back and forth.

I read and re-read the L's draft, sent it back with corrections, told him to hold off a few more days, then FINALLY gave him the go-ahead.

I felt the greatest sense of relief afterwards! And I know it was the right thing to do.

Of course my H is no longer speaking to me and I WILL NOT initiate contact but guess what - we're still married and are no closer to a D than we were a year ago.

Stay strong and have a Happy Thanksgiving despite him or in spite of him!

I'm relieved...but, I'm really bugged.


Interestint that I get a text from H at the exact moment his mom calls on the house phone. They must have spoken prior. (I haven't heard for MIL/FIL since end of Sept.)

Predictably, I guess H says:

H:thanks for the invite,I'm not gonna make it. Happy Thanksgiving.

I replied: bummmer...

Then I replied again: the kids are bummed you can't come over...k

I had to imply that the invite was not all about me. Not sure why...I hope it is better I acknowledged his decline rather than just ignore it. I'm not mad at H at all....I'm just sick in my stomach that he/we have to deal with such destructive things.

Did his L tell him about the call from my L?
Is he too uncomfortable, mad, depressed?
Is he trying to hurt me?

All of the above.

So much for his plan to be divorced and be friends...duh!!

The kids are actually mad at him, they are so tired of the their dad having so many problems.

The kids are much more upset about this than I am...they have gotten used to him being around since September...and of course, they don't know anything about the papers.

Turkey is in the oven and smells good. I have to work through this for an hour or so....it truly his my H's loss.

I am so sad, and I do hurt for my kids...the boys had plans to throw the football and watch games...I told H that d8 was making the dinner with me....and H bailed on them.

d8 been making cookies, helped prep the turkey...

Snodderly you are so right when you say H is only out for himself!!

H was very depressed last year too...not much change in a year...except he filed D papers

Just some thoughts after a perfect Thanksgiving for my 3 kids, our puppy and me...truly...it was perfect.

It seems the motion of D is becoming harder on H than it is on me. I was all prepared to fake my way through the day and WIN that Golden Globe, snodderly

What a difference 10 days make...10 days ago H was here with wine and taking the family to eat and watch a football game (which was 2 days after he knew I was served)

I figured he was trying to show how we can be such great friends.

Now, either time is shedding it's truth on him, or the reality of my L's words have taken the wind out of his sail.

H obviously can't be friends with me...he knew his daughter was making Thanksgiving dinner and he bailed with a text message at noon, today.

I sort of find satisfaction that he couldn't come here as if we would continue as happy friends getting a D.

I'm not sure why he couldn't come here.

It feels good to know that I am not the one messed up. This year of detachment is kicking back into my psych, after the shock of the D papers, and I see him as a really mixed up, I mean a REALLY mixed up person.

I want to be there but I can't even TOUCH where he is now. It feels contaminated to me.


1)4 years ago, H thought a 69 Camaro was his dream. I had fought that for years because of the cost. I saw how much it meant and agreed to use the equity line of credit.

I remember sitting next to him saying 'you should feel complete now...you've moved your family to Va, you have your kids and you finally have your dream car'.

2) That wore off in a month and the OW=biittcch came along.

She made him feel like Hercules until I found out, which was right away. He moved out for two weeks...and then the OW didn't last...the realization of that made him even more depressed.

3) In between ending that and moving out H wanted his other dream...a motorcycle. He got that, and moved out a couple months later...no more happiness from the bike. H came back three weeks later.

Two months later H wanted to run again...but, he didn't have anywhere left to run...so he stayed away nearly every night...supposedly working.

4) Finally, H 'ran away'...moved out to his first place of his own. That was exciting for him...he said it was really great when he got his first piece of mail!!! geez

That wore off in about 3 months.

5) Now...2 1/2 years later...the last straw...the last thing...I guess he figures a D will make him feel better.

I think it make him feel power over me to have me served.

But, now...what? I don't think H even thought about what happens after I get served.

Just writing...maybe, I'll need this recap when L and I chat.

What they want has no basis in reality.

They want, therefore it is................NOT!

Mine didn't believe we really had to do all the paperwork that was required to get a divorce. "Why can't we just be divorced?" Then when her lawyer sent her a hefty bill it was my fault. She retained him, told him what to do and when the charges arrived they were my fault.

If your H responds true to form he will blame you for any difficulty he encounters.

Expect the worst and whatever happens won't seem so bad.

Hi sleeper....

I think he already is...



Although his papers were so ridiculous, that I HAVE to respond and in disagreement.

H hasn't said for a long time, but he bemoans that he feels like a kid.

Yet...he keeps making immature decisions!!!

And...I'm used to being blamed for everything. It doesn't matter if I treat him nice, or argue the heck out of him...he is still depressed, negative and .... well, he's just absent.

But...seriously....when in the HECK does reality EVER bite their ugly butts?????

How are you now...did your D take a long time?

Thanks for your insight

Thank you guys, for being patient...I think I can outline a little from last weekend, and as always, love your insight.

Wednesday, my L called me/ and filed my 'Answer' to H's 'Complaint.

I'll just list the parts I 'denied'.

A)
H:complaint>>states we lived separate and apart, continuously, wihtout cohab, for a period exceeding one year. That H had the intention to remain permanently separated since the beginning of seperation.

ME: states that I cannot admit or deny what H's intention was and therefore denies his statements. Also, that I did not ask him to leave and did not want him to leave.

B)
H:Complaint>>H states 'no reconciliation is probable'.

ME: states that I DENY this allegation.

C)
H:Complaint>>H states best interest of minor children require he be considered for the responsiblity of ther care and custody.

ME: states I deny the allegation.

D)
H:extra paragraph 'prays' that he be granted:
* responsiblity for care and custody of children;
*that spouse will pay support the care of the children;
*that he be given all rightsand remedies of equitable interests in the marital debts and assets;
*that he be awarded his attorney fees and court costs;
*and for other and further relief as the court deems necessary.

Me: Defendant prays the court protect her interests;
*grant her all rights and rememdies associated with assests and equitable interests;
*that she be granted custody of minor children;
*that she be granted child support;
*that she be granted spousal support;
*that she be granted her attorney's fees and cost;
*and for such other and further relief as this cause may require.


So...we want this to imply that a divorce is his sole decision, that I don't agree but if he pursues, I will counter on grounds of desertion (in VA). ((There are other things that have not been shared with H's L, yet))

My L said that our intent would be in his phone contact with H's L.

I don't know if H's L forwarded this information to him on Wednesday before Thanksgiving...but,

H bailed on us last minute, Thanksgiving noon.


Friday....nothing....

Saturday, s10 had a soccer game. One of the soccer mom's was gossiping about us right in front of me...that bugged!!

Anyway, H showed up. I couldn't look at him, but d8 was talking to him.

Eventually, we were standing about 5 feet apart, I squinted my eyes and slowly rolled my eyes toward him...he was staring at me and cracked a smile.

He asked where s13 was. I told him relaxing at home.

H asked if I wanted anything to eat; maybe a beer (jokingly).

I said, beer would be good if it wasn't so early in the day.

H was nervous/flirt like. (WTHeck??)

H bought me a hotdog and a drink and was super easy to be around and talk to. (WTHeck??)

H, d8 and I watched the game like 'a happy-happy family'...

AFter the game, H walked us to the car, made an effort to say good bye to me. H followed us in his car and went back to his work.

It's Tuesday. I figure, he's heard of, and read, my answer to his Complaint.

I feel relieved that my 'duty' is done. I have answered, but I have not engaged in any 'war' or taken any steps to get a divorce.

But...

I feel like a 'sitting duck',...I DON"T ever want to hear from my L again...those legal papers are hurtful. It hurt MY feelings to read my answer!

I read this on Frank's thread by Kerry;



This is basically the wording in my H's papers.

Is this that common????

It seems to me to be like throwing out a grenade and waiting to see if either the pin was pulled, if it explodes....or if it is just a DUD.

GEEZZZZ

Sophie,
This is the first round of negotiations. They will posture and attempt to get everything they want and this is where the dollars add up in legal fees. His lawyers is going for everything the first time around and, of course, your lawyer is doing the counter. It's typical in most cases.

I'm going to give you this advice....don't phone your lawyer unless you absolutely have to. It's costs each and every time you call, letters he prepares, etc. Document, keep good records and take them with you when you meet with him. Make a list of questions. In other words, do your homework and be prepared when you meet with him, i.e., get more legal advice in one sitting and usually you are there about an hour, for your dollar.

As for your h, he's testing the waters to see if you got the papers and I bet he's not been advised yet that your lawyer has responded. They are very nice and when they do something unkind, they disappear. Typical bad child behavior.

Do not discuss anything w/him except your children and what's going on w/your living expenses at this time. Allow the lawyers do to the talking since the posturing has begun.