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She probably makes him feel good. She makes him happy. She accepts him for who he is and makes him feel special. The other things are superficial.

It would be better for your children if neither you, nor your husband lived with OP or remarried. Divorce makes them unsettled and insecure enough, remarriage would only add to that. That's just my own two cents. There are some instances where remarriages do work well, but statistics are against it. A large majority have many problems, and I personally wouldn't take that kind of risk with my kids. I'd have to know and date someone an awfully long time before I went there... of course by then my kids would be out of the house so that would be fine.

Hello M....

In my case....

My H has definately down-graded.

My H's OW didn't meet him when he was young, broke and struggling to create a career. She met H when he was a wealthy successful businessman. SOOOOOO.....It is the concensus around here the OW is a gold-digger. She only knows the man he is now. She wants in on the wealth. H has the money now to wine and dine and that is all she knows and for what I can see she isn't letting go. She took 1 husband to the cleaners already, everyone says she will do it to H too. (If he is stupid enough to play along with her schemes til the end).

I was 15 when I met H...we married at 20 and were so poor. We lived in a camper for 1 year and a cellar for 12 years. I lived through all the bad and the good. Together we battled his cancer and many other challenges. Together WE built a successful business and achieved wealth. I love my H for who he genuinely is and am proud of our achievements.

In my sitch....40 months with OW, she has NEVER met our son. This alone should tell you the kind of b***h OW is. My H will not even suggest that happen. H knows the truth about her, IMO.
I truly believe that H is slowly waking to the facts. All in due time.....

These women know how to rope a man. They have been around the barn so many times. They are pros at getting what they want. It is our poor H's that are naive to the game they are playing. IMO they are out for one thing and one thing only and once they get their claws in they manipulate H's even more and it is H's that end up hurt, but out of their own choices. It is usually too late when they finally wake up.

I have a very wealthy FIL. My MIL died 4 years ago after they had been married 45 years. My FIL has since dated 3 women. Only one of them was financially independant enough to not want his money. The first GF was actually quoted saying: "I finally found myself a rich one now". This last one is very much the same way. We'll see how far this R goes they have only been dating about 3 months.

This is only my opinion. I tend to believe that 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc...Rs are not based on unconditional love. From what I have seen it is the money they fall in love with, and you can't base a real R only on money.

Sanderika

Hi R - I agree with you 100% regarding kids safety. I also think kids need to feel comfortable in either of their parents homes. If there is another adult living there , they cant relax. Cant hang around in PJs. etc

As for the other woman making h feel good - it is because of exactly what S says and actually what H said himself. H has everything and she has nothing.

Hell if Donald Trump turned up in my shop ( or anyone I would consider successful) - I would sit up and listen and hang off every word they had to say and I would tell him what I think he would want to hear. Time would show you there true colors.

Eventually you must want to be mixing with your peers not people that would eventually bore or annoy you as they are most likely to not have the same work ethics or thoughts or drive as you do.

I feel that really there is no one else in the world that I am equal to except H. We share so much history, experiances , children , financial ,good times and bad times.

I wonder if you do become suspicious of everyone.

Mof3,

I'm just curious, what did OM have over your H? How long did it take you to realize he was not what you wanted, but your marriage was what you wanted?

I think the reasons for affairs and the people chosen can differ quite a bit. But I also think there are probably differences between the OP chosen when a spouse had an affair. In your case your H was fleeing the bad feelings from your A and I think OP, regardless of her personal attributes is bringing support and comfort for that. And yes, I agree that history and children have a lot of value and that's one thing you learn from the whole situation. You probably learned it and now hopefully your H eventually will too. But I think it's going to take time.

I think your H is going to have to work through the whole situation with the OW and hopefully he will eventually decide history, kids together and family mean more. This won't be something you can teach him. You will need to be patient and create positive situations in the present to help erase the negatives. The thing is he may come out of it and decide he wants the marriage with you, or he may move on. You can just do your best. Try to be a great parent and leave the "door open." Don't stand there trying to coerce him inside. Just live your life and hopefully he will realize it's safe in there, and that's where the best things in life really are.

Hey Mo3. It's been a long while since I've followed your thread and I just had a good long read of the previous locked one.

Over the past few days, as a person in a similar situation, I can relate to all the self-obsessive thoughts that drive me mad. It's not good for me and anything you can do to turn off the brain...do it. One thing I do is to take three deep breaths and raise my hands above my head. That short-circuits my mind and I feel a bit better. It gets that wedge in the door and I can take control of my mind again.

It seems like you're really digging deep into what DBing is all about. You're getting good love n' care along the way too. I love reading every bit of advice the SPM, Sanderika, DQ, RoT and others pump into this thread because it helps me too. It's hard work for me and I know it's hard work for you. Keep it up.

Esky (downunder)

I have worked a bit on this with my Councillor. 4 years ago i was a very different person than i am now. It is amazing how someone trained can show you how to change, how to think differently , how to improve yourself.

I was needy of attention, I needed outside compliments and attention. OM gave this to me. I have ( since stepping back ) seen him as someone who knew exactly what he was doing. He pursued, he wanted others to hurt ( his long time girlfriend and then wife had had affairs ), he was a womanizer and I presented myself as a willing accomplice. He was exciting , he paid attention and he was not about work. Don't get me wrong nobody twisted my arm, I thought i knew better and was clever. I felt I could have it all. I made a bad choice.

At no point did i see OM as having anywhere near the attributes that H had. H was a hard worker, fantastic father , loyal to me, and OM was not. I knew he lied, he has no ethics H had and he was hardly loyal to me, as he remained married. Sometimes i would look at H sleeping and think WTF am i doing and then the next day OM would start the texting or calling and we would meet. I felt bullet proof like H does now.

Once H found the texts I just wanted H to go away. Thought i did not love him, when really I was running from having to face up to my responsibilities of my actions. I really hated the pain h was in. Then after a while, meeting H C I realised that I did actually love H and lived with the guilt of what i did EXCEPT I then lied about the 2 physical meetings. I was afraid of the consequenses ( and as I am now separated, having told the truth- I was right to be scared ). H promised me that the truth was all he needed and that we could start again. That was not true.

H now does not answer my calls or texts. Not that I call very often as he does need his space , as do I. But I am trying to keep the family connected and feel that just exchanging info on kids is good for the kids and makes this all easier for them. i might have that wrong but i doubt it. I am sure H does feel distant from them, but i say nothing to them about their dad, I encourage contacting him and including him but it is hard when he wont talk. i also still think it is important that H knows that i am not and would not see any other man and by letting him know what i am up to helps that, but when i cant talk to him , it gets yukky.

I am hoping that all the kids will come to their cousins xmas service on xmas eve ( which we have done for last few years ) and I would love to ask H. But I am scared , he has scoffed in the past or not answered or ignored invitations or just not told me either way when i have issued invites and that hurts. How do i include him, or keep the kids happy when I am now at a point where I cant share stuff ?

I have no ulterior motives. I am not game playing. I just want to do what feels right to do without the pain. I know that we both need time and I also will never say never. I think if H was able to come to me and say lets start again and he wanted to be married that we could do it.

So it is hard to create positive situations. i am sure H wants to be involved . It must be hard for him not being with his kids and I know he is angry , that I am home with them and he is not, when it was my actions that triggered this whole situation. He is right.

Hi Esky - Yes i had been dbing hard for a while now but i see no progress at all. Not even an inch forward from H. I feel now that it is working on myself ( doing new things etc ) is the way forward. If H never notices at least I know I am a better person.

I wish H all the love and support in the world. I seem to not be able to be angry - but I think i had been angry for 10 years prior. I just want to be happy and content.

I don't want to be punished anymore by H either. My lesson is learnt, I have made good changes in my self esteem , which was low, explaining why i also treated H the way i did. i know now that when you don't feel so good about yourself, you make others not feel good about themselves. wrong wrong wrong. Will never treat another human being with anything but the respect they deserve, just being themselves. Wish I had learned that 10 years ago But you cant turn back time.

Hi M....

When it comes to the kids, it can't hurt to throw out the invite. Let H make his own choice though without strings. If H wants to be included he will show up. Do not be angry/hurt if he does not. This is where DB comes into play. Instead of calling H send him an email. This will allow H to give it some thought. Do not say "I want you to...". Maybe say "Just wanted you to know there will be an xmas service on xmas eve again this year". Send it as more of an announcement not a personal invite from you. In my case early on in my sitch, if H thought it was something I WANTED or that he would be doing it for me, he would not even entertain the thought. Just an idea for you.....

OH and do not remind him again....once is enough!!! Your H does not want to be hounded about anything from you right now regardless of the event or who is involved.

I quote you: "I was needy of attention, I needed outside compliments and attention. OM gave this to me."

This statement has so much truth for many of us here.....

MY H LEFT ME BECAUSE I HAD STOPPED GIVING HIM ATTENTION.

I would assume that a majority of posters here could say the same thing.

DID WE MEAN TO STOP GIVING ATTENTION?: NO NO NO

For a variety of reasons, it happens. In my case I was so depressed I could not see the light of day.

Did I deserve the result? NO

Do I have regrets? YES

Do we get second chances? SOME WILL/SOME WON'T

How do we change our lives to obtain a 2nd chance?

Will we be happy IF we get a 2nd chance?

What happens between people?

How come some couples mutually decide to give it another try and others do not?

What are the diffences in these couples?

Why can't I seem to obtain that 2nd chance?

I ponder all of these questions quite often. The only answer I can come up with is that BOTH partners have to want it simultaneously. Until that perfect idea is met at the same time, there cannot be a reconciliation of any type. It really does make it harder when there is OP in the picture. I believe the longer the R between the WAS and the OP lasts the less likely a reconciliation will occur. A couple cannot even begin to reconnect unless OP is gone w/o contact of any kind. As the LBS we have no control over the dynamics of the R between our WAS and their OP. It gives us (LBS) question as to whether DB should continue or cease.

You made me think today........Hmmmmmmm.

I hope you are having a nice weekend.

Sanderika

Hi S -Yes having a nice weekend except I have lost my car keys. So little paniced about getting that fixed. plus it has turned cold.

Hmm i have a friend whose husband left her for her best friend and married her. It lasted 8 years and that was a long time BUT it did not last. I do not think OW relationshios last. They are born out of deciet and lies. Yuk Yuk Yuk.

Yes lots of questions and lots of whys. I know that the Db book is a big believer and quotes high stats for couples that deal with infidelity go on and have better marriages than before. With what i have learned through C, i absoluetly believe it. With what I have learned i would like second chance ...... but it is not looking good.

Hey M....

I hear you loud and clear......

My key story this year is that I locked them in my car at the local ice cream stand. It took 2 hours for someone to show up and break into my car. I refused to call H and ask for his help. In the end it cost me $65.00 and quite a bit of embarrassment. The owner of the ice cream stand knows everyone, of course...

What are you going to do about the xmas service?

I personally have not spoken to H once about the visits for Christmas. I am not going to bring it up either, that is his problem.

Right now my plans are to...

Son will go with FIL on 23rd and spend the night and 1/2 of the day on the 24th.

My son and I will go to my families for Christmas Eve.

My son and I will spend the day alone at home on Christmas Day.

I, like you and many others here, are apprehensive about the upcoming weeks.

I have a huge menu I am going to start to prepare tomorrow so I won't have to cook next week. I am excited about that. My son is very excited about Christmas this year and I am happy about that.

I hope we all have a wonderful holiday....We so deserve a few hours of happiness, don't we....

Sanderika